


Here I Am

by Deannachu



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Cutting, Depression, M/M, Mavin, Multi, Tina/Ray towards the end, geoffin - Freeform, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:26:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1679804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deannachu/pseuds/Deannachu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Jones has always been one of those wallflower students, the kind that no one really pays attention to. He's only outgoing to his closest friends, and even then he doesn't have many. Gavin Free, however, is the complete opposite. He's arrogant and rude, but only to protect himself from the pain he left behind in England when he moved when he was 16. Both keep their sexuality a secret except to those closest to them. Now that they are in their final year of school, time is running out for Michael to put his worries behind him and put his heart out there for Gavin to take, even if Gavin is unaware he wants it in the first place. It's time for him to no longer be invisible, to step in and win over the guy that he's fallen for and show him that he is the one for Gavin, before it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was first posted on my Tumblr account (www.team-lads-in-the-tardis.tumblr.com) so if it seems familiar, that's why. :)
> 
> Also I suck at summaries, so sorry guys. Lol.

I, Michael Jones, am in love with Gavin Free. It sounds so simple and so easy when I say it to myself, whether in the confines of my bedroom or while I’m standing in the shower, water running down my back. But is love ever really easy? Love has conquered distances and mended lives, but it’s also brought death and destruction.

            Gavin didn’t know how I felt, and frankly neither did the rest of the senior class; Gavin was the big man on campus. Everyone loved his looks, his cheekiness, and his accent only gave him an added bonus he didn’t even need. He didn’t play a sport, but he was just one of those intelligent, people who just gained popularity for the hell of it. He was surrounded with friends everywhere he went, whether it was lunch, a sport event, or the theater (where he spent most of his time.)

            I know, I know, it’s extremely cliché to fall in love with an actor, but fuck it, I did. So what’s the problem, you ask? What obstacle is standing in the way of Gavin and I embracing in a passionate lip-lock in front of the whole school and running off into the sunset with “and they lived happily ever after” flashing in some girly font?

            I was Michael “the invisible one” Jones, he was Gavin “look at me” Free, and as far as I knew, Gavin was completely straight. So, no embraces, no kisses, no sunsets, and some fuck-wad used Comic Sans instead of script to write “April Fools, dumbass!”

            I played video games in my spare time, usually alone, but I did have a fair few (okay, two) friends: Ray and Geoff. They’ve been my boys ever since kindergarten when we first got our Nintendo 64s. I mentioned Mario Party near them and we’ve been inseparable ever since. Okay, I realize I’m not making myself out in a positive light here. I’m pretty smart and I’ve got a knack for fixing things, but other than that, I’m pretty much invisible.

            Only my parents, Ray, and Geoff know that I’m gay. I only felt comfortable telling them because I knew they wouldn’t judge me. But then again, how exactly do you come out to a school of over a thousand people? “For morning announcements, I must remind you that the rival football game is this Friday, volunteers are still needed for the park clean up on Saturday, oh and Michael Jones likes men.”

            Right.

            “Dude, how did you fucking pass me?” Geoff shouted, angrily punching buttons on his Xbox controller. Ray, Geoff, and I were playing some racing game that I downloaded for free earlier and I was hauling ass, leaving damaging items in my wake.

            “Maybe I’m just better,” I joked, blowing up Ray’s car in the process.

            “Mother fucker!”

            “You snooze, you lose, ladies,” I laughed victoriously. My character was doing a dance on the screen, holding the first place trophy. We were recording this video for my Youtube channel, LtMkilla, and I planned on doing a behind the scenes for it as well. I got a fair amount of hits and comments for it, but nothing special.

            Geoff threw down his controller and launched himself at me, missing and knocking down Ray instead.

            “Hey, I thought I was the one with the anger issues,” I laughed. No, really. I get angry when the coffee maker takes its sweet fucking time to heat up. Therapy helps, but so does yelling.

            “Geoff, gerrroff,” Ray mumbled from underneath Geoff’s lanky frame. They wrestled around for a few more minutes while I filmed it, occasionally cutting the camera to my handsome mug and shaking my head, my shoulders shaking from laughter.

            “If you girls are done,” I hinted, “I’d like to start editing this video now. Although I think our audience is going to get a kick out of your boxers, Geoff. Is that Pikachu I see?” Geoff blushed scarlet and flipped me off.

            “If you must know, Griffon bought them for me and I like them,” he quipped, crossing his arms. I tilted the camera towards my face.

            “He’s only saying that because she watches these videos and he doesn’t want to have to buy her flowers or the newest Pokémon game or some shit to make up for his clearly not liking them.” Geoff threw the nearest object (an empty cola can) at my head. “Ow. You just proved my point, Geoff, thank you.”

            I switched off the camera and got to work on editing the video while the other two booted up Minecraft. “Don’t blow up my house, fucktards,” I said before putting on my headphones. I worked for five hours to build my house to my standards and I didn’t need all that work undone with dynamite.

            “Looks like LegitBrit is in our city working on his house right now,” Ray said, punching a few buttons. We had a mini contest a few weeks ago to let one lucky person who watches our videos and is subscribed to our channel join our city and play Minecraft with us. He doesn’t join when we film, but it’s neat to just know that there’s someone outside of our usual circle playing as well. “He’s really going overboard with the gold, holy shit.”

            I swiveled around in my seat, careful not to unplug my headphones, and saw that his house was made out of stone but had gold and obsidian towers all around his multi-level house. He even had one for a sort of chimney. “Think he’s compensating for something?”

            “Maybe. I like it. Hey, wait. He’s got a sign above one. ‘Tower of Pimps.’” The room was so quiet that I could hear my mom downstairs on the phone, arguing with my father over the phone. “What the hell kind of name is that?” Ray laughed. Geoff started laughing uncontrollably, falling out of his seat. He had one of those laughs that was ridiculous but contagious at the same time.

            I turned around and worked on editing again. “It makes him sound like some sort of pretentious douche bag,” I declared. “We all know that there’s only room for one pretentious douche bag around here and that’s—“

            “Gavin,” Geoff and Ray said simultaneously. My heart fluttered and my stomach did cartwheels at the sound of his name. I turned around so quickly my headphones were jerked from the outlet. They both jumped at my sudden movement.

            “Why do you say that? Gavin’s a nice guy,” I argued, irritated at both of them. They exchanged looks.

            “You’re so caught up in your feelings for the guy that you don’t even realize what an ass he is to everybody, us included. He pushed me down the other day because I was standing too close to him,” Geoff scoffed. “He calls Ray terrible names, calls him a pussy, a tosser, and a shit ton more names that I won’t even mention. You know what the worst part is? His opinion on gays is atrocious. He makes demeaning jokes about them in front of the openly gay students. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard them, because I _know_ you have.”

            I was shaking. My hands were quivering violently; I got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, placing myself in front of the mirror. My brown eyes were unusually vibrant and alive, my auburn hair still wild on my head. My face was flushed – from anger, embarrassment, or a combination, I have no idea – and my heart beat a million miles an hour.

            Geoff was right. I was deluding myself into ever thinking Gavin would like me back. But that’s the thing about love.

            As much as it pains you to face the truth, love keeps a permanent spark of hope deep in your heart, no matter how much that fucker hurts. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bullies usually had a side to them that they never showed anyone else and they usually had a reason for it. I wanted to find Gavin’s.

 I walked back into the room, my heart heavy and my brain slightly muddled. I’ve had a crush on Gavin since sophomore year of high school when he came to the United States. I thought he was the most gorgeous guy I had laid my eyes on and his accent just drew me in even more. We talked periodically throughout that year, even eating lunch a few times. Yeah, he had a bit of an ego problem and was a little rude to a few students, but that didn’t deter me from wanting to talk to him. Ray and Geoff tried to warn me that I was going to be disappointed but I didn’t listen. Of course not.

            That was the same year I came out to my parents and to my best friends. It was at the end of the school year, so Gavin had already gone back to England for the summer. I felt a lot of relief finally being able to tell my secret and knowing I wasn’t going to be judged for it. However, I didn’t tell Gavin or anyone else. I didn’t trust anyone else with a secret as large as that one. As much as I liked Gavin, I felt telling him would send me down a road of no return.

            The start of our junior year, everything changed. Gavin came back even more stuck up than usual, getting involved with the Thespians and shutting me out completely. I know we weren’t exactly best friends but it still hurt that he wouldn’t even give me the time of day. He became absolutely rude to my friends and other students who weren’t exactly on his “level.”

            I was walking to my Literature class one day and when I rounded the corner I saw Gavin and two other guys, Ryan and Jack, picking on this really sweet girl who just so happened to be a lesbian. They called her derogatory names and told her that maybe the reason she wasn’t into guys was because she hadn’t “ridden the right dick” yet. She was in tears and finally broke away from them. I couldn’t believe that Gavin would say something so horrendous.

            By this point, though, I would like to point out that my crush had grown stronger before this incident. I know that hearing his expression of how he felt about gays should have been a warning and I should have let go of my feelings right away, but there was something about him that wouldn’t let go. I felt that there was another side to Gavin than this one; one that was vulnerable and scared. Bullies usually had a side to them that they never showed anyone else and they usually had a reason for it. I wanted to find Gavin’s.

            I made quick work of editing the video before joining my friends in Minecraft. I lost most of the happiness I had earlier, so I sat there brooding, scrolling through my phone. “I’m sorry we upset you,” Geoff said after a while. I shrugged, not looking up.

            “You’re right about Gavin. I know that you care about me. But you’ve got to understand that there’s just something inside of me that won’t let me give up on him. I feel like there’s a side to him we just haven’t seen yet,” I replied, removing my glasses and rubbing my face.

            “What, a side that’s not mean and vindictive?” mumbled Ray, focused on the screen.

            I rolled my eyes. “Yes, a side that’s not mean. Everyone has one, his just seems to be harder to find.” My phone dinged.  _GavinoFree has created a new post!_ the message read. “Looks like Gavin just updated his blog,” I said nonchalantly. I clicked the link and it loaded a mobile page for his blog.

_So, this post is going to be visible only to my eyes, so I feel comfortable letting my guard down just a bit. I just needed to post this somewhere to get it off my chest; I can’t put it on Facebook or Twitter because too many of my school friends follow me on both. They wouldn’t understand._

_Lately I’ve noticed my depression slowly getting worse. I still take the medication, but mum won’t take me back to the doctor’s and get a stronger prescription. She feels like I’m not even trying, which I am; of course she doesn’t believe me. She has this idea that I go out every weekend to party and get drunk and high and that’s the reason my medication isn’t working._

_I don’t do drugs and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since I began my medication. So why am I suddenly feeling like I did four years ago?_

_I’ve never told anyone this, but four years ago, when I was 14 years old, I tried to off myself. I had enough of being picked on by the idiot kids where I went to school and I had enough of my mum acting like I wasn’t important enough to pay attention to. I took a knife from the kitchen and locked myself in the bathroom._

_It didn’t work, obviously. I’m still here. But I’ve started cutting again and I don’t like the power it has over me. I don’t like feeling that I’m not good enough for anyone and that everyone is only nice to me because of where I come from. I’m just some (somewhat) shiny new toy._

_I don’t deserve the “friends” I have in my life, honestly. I’m a prick and everyone knows it. Maybe my harsh exterior is just a way to safeguard myself from letting people see the real me. The real Gavin Free cries at Marley and Me, spends more time on his Xbox than outside, and the real Gavin Free isn’t straight._

_That’s right, lads and gents (and ladies.) Gavin Free is bisexual. Has been since he was 14 years old. The reason I was picked on? The kids at school found out and gave me utter hell for it. I couldn’t go to school without insults being thrown at me and pictures of naked men somehow making their way into my bag._

_That’s why I’m glad that we moved to America. No one here knows. I can be whoever I choose to be. It’s a new start._

_It’s terribly difficult keeping up my harsh persona, though. But I don’t think I’m ready to trust anyone here with the real Gavin Free just yet._

_Even though no one will see this, I feel better getting everything off my chest. Even if I didn’t say it myself, at least it’s out there in some form or fashion._

_Cheers._

The noise I just made startled Ray so much he fell out of his chair. “What the hell was that? It sounded like a cross between a whale and a seagull.”

            “God must have posted a comment on one of our videos or someone famous must have said you were cute or something because you’re smiling pretty damn hard right now,” commented Geoff.

            I waved him off, shaking my head. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

            “If it’s something to do with Gavin-“

            “It is, but don’t worry about it. I don’t want to get your hopes up if nothing ever happens. If something major occurs, you’ll be the first to know.”

            Gavin must have forgot to include me in making his post private, so there was no way I could bring this up to him at school. I would rather die than have Gavin call me a liar in front of God knows how many people.

            I sat in deep thought for a while, contemplating on what I should do. I came up empty. I couldn’t send him a message, because he would know it was me. I couldn’t comment on the post because he would panic and take it down.

            “Do you want some advice? It seems like you could use some,” offered Geoff, pausing the game. I nodded. “If you and Gavin are meant to be, then don’t force it. Good things come to those who wait, if I may be cliché as hell right now by saying so. If you force it to happen, it’s not going to turn out great in the end. If it doesn’t happen, then you’ll know. We’ve got about seven months left until graduation and then you and Gavin will leave for opposite sides of the country.”

            “So if something happens, it will definitely be before May, dude. Just relax and have fun with your final year of high school. Go to a party. Get drunk. Make out with some random guy, I don’t care. I just hate to see you so caught up on someone who, and I’m being honest here, seems to want nothing to do with you. There’s a party on Friday being thrown by Lindsay Tuggey. You know her, right? Red head, perky, gorgeous? She’s invited the entire senior class – and last time I checked, that includes you, dumbass,” Ray added, smiling. “So you’re going to that party, okay? You’re going to drink until you puke and maybe even pass out on a couch somewhere. Make some memories – or maybe not.”

            I grinned and gave Ray a bro-hug. “So you’re suggesting that I get drunk when I know as soon as we step into the party you’re going to drink one cup of something and be absolutely wasted? You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Ray,” I chided jokingly. I paused, thinking. “Gavin’s going to be there.”

            They were silent for a few moments. “Yeah, but you don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll probably stay in different parts of the house.”

            I scratched my head. “Do you guys not remember how I am on alcohol? Talk about your literal liquid courage, Jesus Christ. I’m going to make a complete ass of myself in front of him and probably do something I’ll regret (and not remember) later.”

            “Geoff and I won’t leave your side,” promised Ray. “Or if we do, Griffon will be with you. Someone will be glued to your hip at all times.”

            I sighed. “Okay, fine. But if I don’t like the party we’re leaving. Cool?” They nodded. “Okay. It’s going to be… fun.”

            When it was finally time for them to go home I walked them outside to Geoff’s vehicle. When Ray was in the passenger seat, he leaned over to talk to me. “So do you think kissing Gavin would be like making out with sand paper, since he’s got that facial hair? What about when he’s sucking your dick-“

            I pointed down my driveway. “Goodbye, Ray.” Geoff snorted from laughing as he reversed the car. I waved at them at the end of the driveway, flipping Ray off as they drove out of sight. I sighed, walking back to the house. “Fucking idiots.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So Lindsay just texted me and apparently Gavin just arrived. She said he seemed kind of down, though. I wonder why,” speculated Ray.

“Fuck me,” I muttered, staring into the mirror. I don’t know how long I’ve been in my room trying to figure out what to wear but I knew Ray and Geoff would be here soon and that if I didn’t choose something soon I may as well just go naked. Most of my wardrobe consisted of t-shirts with funny sayings and jeans. I owned maybe one pair of nice pants and one nice shirt, both of which were a little snug on me.

            I currently had on a shirt that said “My anger management class pissed me off” and a nice pair of jeans. I hadn’t done shit to my hair and at this point I wasn’t even worried. I never went out anyway, what was the point of dressing up for these fucktards for one night?

            There was a loud crash as my door burst open, Ray and Geoff running inside. They both had hands over their eyes. “You’re decent, right? I’m not going to see your dick am I?” asked Ray. I rolled my eyes.

            “I’m dressed, you moron. Although I look like I do every day. I wasn’t really sure what I needed to wear so I just picked out something that might be a good conversation starter.” Thankfully they were dressed similarly. “I feel so out of place. Right now I would normally be set up in my chair, Mountain Dew in hand, kicking ass at some kind of video game. This feels weird,” I complained, pulling on my beanie.

            “Once you get there and get a beer in your hand you’ll start to relax. Or at the very least you’ll get too drunk to remember that you’re at an actual party,” laughed Geoff. “Griffon is waiting downstairs, are you ready?” I nodded, grabbing my keys and my phone. We filed down the stairs and into the kitchen where Griffon was talking to my mom.

            They both turned when we made our entrance. “If you’re going to be drinking, which you know I don’t condone but I know you’re a teenager so you’ll probably do it anyway, make sure you have some place to crash or at least a designated driver,” my mom scolded.

            “It’s okay, Mrs. Jones. I’ve designated myself the sober one of the night,” Geoff announced. Mom smiled. She always loved Geoff; he just seemed to have a way with parents. “Besides, if all goes well, your son may not even want to leave tonight.” I hit him in the side with my elbow, indicating that he needed to shut the fuck up.

            “Oh?” She raised an eyebrow, setting down her coffee mug. “Who’s the guy, Mikey?” I groaned.

            “He’s nobody, okay? Just some guy at school. Can we please let this drop?” I whined, quickly giving her a hug. “I’ll see you later.” She hugged me and the rest of the group before shooing us out the door. Mom never got a night to herself so she was probably going to curl up on the couch with a good book or a movie.

            I got into the backseat of the car along with Ray. “So Lindsay just texted me and apparently Gavin just arrived.  She said he seemed kind of down, though. I wonder why,” speculated Ray. _I think I know why,_ I thought. But I kept my mouth shut; it wasn’t my business to spill any of Gavin’s secrets.

            It took about ten minutes to get to Lindsay’s house and it had to be the longest ten minutes of my life. Geoff decided to put the radio on a pop station and I had to listen to him and Ray sing along terribly to Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and One Direction. I all but jumped from the vehicle the moment Geoff put it in park. “Do your parents know what terrible singers you guys are? Holy shit, I thought my ear drums were going to explode.”

            “Now you know what I put up with on the way to school every day,” Griffon grumbled, rolling her eyes. “But usually it’s something with a higher pitch. I’ve taken to wearing earplugs.” Geoff started tickling her sides before lifting her up and carrying her up to the house. I was left standing next to Ray, staring at the busy house. There were red cups strewn along the lawn and people loitering outside. I caught a glimpse of red hair through the window before the door flew open and Lindsay attacked Ray and me with hugs.

            “Oh my god, you actually came! I was so sure you wouldn’t but you did!” she squealed in my ear. I hugged her back nervously. “I know that you don’t really do anything socially but I was _so_ hoping you would come tonight! Ray, thank you so much.” I was so confused.

            “Wait, why is it so important that I come to your stu- to your party?” I inquired, catching myself before insulting her.

            “Ray told me about your crush on Gav-“ I quickly covered her mouth with my hand, looking around wildly in case anyone else heard.

            “Are you _fucking crazy_?” I half-shouted. I turned on Ray. “You swore you wouldn’t tell a soul! Fucking liar.” He held up his hands in surrender.

            “Hey, man, if you want to trust anyone with your secret, it’s Lindsay. She’s like a vault. Besides, she wants to help. She’s our friend. Even she’s been able to see how this whole ordeal with Gav- with He Who Must Not Be Named has made you upset and nervous every time you go to school.”

            “You have an issue with Voldemort?” asked a new voice. Kerry Shawcross came up behind Lindsay, throwing an arm around her, which she promptly shrugged off. I smirked. He’s had a crush on her for about as long as I’ve had one on Gavin. The only difference is that I have more of a chance of my crush turning into something more than he does.

            “Yes, Kerry, I have an issue with guys who have no noses and likes to kill babies,” I scoffed. “Now can we please go inside? I feel weird standing outside on the lawn.” They agreed and lead the way inside, pushing past hormonal teenagers grinding and making out in the front hallway.

            “I can’t believe I agreed to come to this thing,” I muttered under my breath.

            “Oh shut up,” reprimanded Ray, pushing a drink into my hand. “If you’re going to bitch all night you might as well do it with alcohol in your system.” I stared at the amber liquid before downing it in two gulps. I felt the rush of the cold liquid as it ran down my throat and then the slight burn of alcohol. Almost immediately another one was pushed into my hand.

            “So have you seen him yet?” asked Geoff from behind me. I jumped, startled; my beer sloshed around in my cup and landed on the floor.

            “Chris, Geoff, you gave me a heart attack,” I snapped, irritated. “But to answer your question, no, I haven’t.” I swallowed half of my beer, scanning the room nervously. “It feels weird to be at a party, especially when half the people here don’t even know my name.”

            “If we hadn’t convinced you to come tonight all you would have done was sit in your room and mope,” admonished Lindsay, crossing her arms. “Michael, you’ve only got months left until you’ll be thrown into the real world and you’ll have to deal with people more than you’re comfortable with. You need to learn to get out and socialize. Make friends!”

            “I have friends,” I protested. “And I socialize!”

            “You have three friends, including myself, and you socialize online,” Lindsay pointed out, raising an eyebrow at my obvious bullshit. I scoffed, gulping down the rest of my beer. Ray had left the group and wandered over to a couple of girls who had clearly already had too much to drink. He was making them laugh uncontrollably and he glanced in our direction, throwing a thumbs up our way.

            “I give it an hour before he fucks it up,” sniggered Geoff. I was starting to feel a small buzz at this point but my head was still fairly clear.

            “I give it half an hour. He always starts out strong and then says the wrong thing in the end,” I joked. Lindsay had left briefly to bring me another drink. Maybe this whole party thing wasn’t too bad.

            “Let’s make a bet, then. Ten bucks says I’m right,” challenged Geoff, hand outstretched. I shifted my glass.

            “Ten bucks, plus an extra five if he gets slapped,” I countered.

            “Deal.” We shook on it and continued through the house. Kerry stayed behind to keep an eye on Ray so we would know who won the bet. I felt more relaxed by the time we made it into the game room and the room began to get a little fuzzier. I also became a lot more touchy-feely.

            “Dude, this was a great idea,” I said, slurring slightly. I was on my fifth beer by this point and I was feeling it. “Parties are great, I love parties. Do you love parties?” Lindsay hid her smile behind her hand and Geoff was smirking at me, sipping at his soda. There were guys playing pool and others yelling at each other over an Xbox game.

            “No way, Michael Jones is at a party?” shouted a voice from the couch. It was Ryan, one of Gavin’s friends. He was a lot nicer since the bashing incident from two years ago but I didn’t really interact with him much. “Did the world end?” I stumbled over to the couch and plopped down in the floor, completely missing the sofa.

            “Shit happens,” I slurred, finishing off my drink.

            “Well, we’re glad you’ve decided to join civilization. Want another drink?” offered Ryan, who had gotten up to refill his own cup. He was taller and bigger than me, so he seemed to have a higher alcohol tolerance than myself. I nodded and handed him my glass. “I’ll be right back.”

            I sat there for a few moments, watching the TV screen. The guys there were playing the same racing game from my last video upload and the guy on the top left screen was kicking some serious ass. “I need to piss,” I declared, stumbling as I tried to get up. Geoff and Lindsay grabbed my arms to steady me and led me to the bathroom.

            I placed my hand on the doorknob and pushed it open, making my way inside. I sobered up immediately when I saw who was inside already. “Gavin?”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I glanced at the razor laying on the edge of the counter and then at my arms. Most of the scars were faint, but there were a couple of fresh ones that I could easily explain away. I could feel myself trying to think dark thoughts again about going to this party tonight and I pushed them away. I wasn’t going to let that side of me take over. Not tonight.

_Gavin’s POV_

I startled awake as my phone began to ring next to my ear. I scrambled around, half asleep, until my hand found it. ‘Jack’ the screen read. I swiped the answer button and held it to my ear, closing my eyes again. “What the bloody hell do you want?”

            “Have you… have you been asleep?” Jack’s baritone voice rang in my ear. I yawned in response. “Don’t tell me you were planning to skip Lindsay Tuggey’s party. It’s all you’ve talked about this week,” he scolded.

            “I just laid down to nap and remove my headache, you wanker,” I retorted sleepily. “Why did you wake me up in the middle of some of the best sleep of my life?”

            There was a pause. “Gavin, I’m supposed to be at your house in ten minutes to pick you up.” My eyes snapped open and the fog in my mind cleared.

            “Oh fuck,” I yelled, hopping out of bed. “I’ll be ready in five minutes.” We hung up the phone and I sifted through my wardrobe, pulling out a t-shirt that read “cereal killer” with a spoon and bowl on it and a nice pair of jeans. Jack got the shirt for me last year, and although it was corny as hell, I was quite fond of it.

            After a quick brush to my hair and teeth and a splash of water to my face, I was ready. I glanced at the razor laying on the edge of the counter and then at my arms. Most of the scars were faint, but there were a couple of fresh ones that I could easily explain away. I could feel myself trying to think dark thoughts again about going to this party tonight and I pushed them away. I wasn’t going to let that side of me take over. Not tonight.

            A honk alerted me to Jack’s presence outside. I ran down the stairs, kissed mum on the cheek, and ran out the door. I got into Jack’s truck and was immediately welcomed to A Day to Remember coming from the stereo. He threw the truck in reverse. “So who’s going to be your female target tonight?” he asked.

            “You make it sound like I’m going to bring a gun in and shoot her,” I quipped. “I don’t really have anyone in mind. I’ve been distracted for a while so I really didn’t have time. I’m just going to play the field.” Truth be told, I just really didn’t have the confidence or the energy to be my normal, arrogant self. I wanted to show my true nature for once, one who wasn’t an asshole all of the time.

            “Really? Well, if I may suggest one, why not try our gracious host? She’s gorgeous, witty, intelligent, and she’s got a big-“

            “Jack, please. Stop,” I begged, holding my hands over my ears. He looked surprised, glancing at me for a brief moment.    

            “What’s up with you tonight?” he barked, pulling into Lindsay’s driveway. He put the truck in park. “Normally you’re talking all kinds of shit about the girls at school and making crude comments and tonight you’ve decided to change? Is normal Gavin still asleep?”

            _Normal Gavin is right here,_ I wanted to yell. Instead I shook my head and jumped from the truck, pushing my way to the house. I needed a drink in my hand pronto.

            Almost as if by magic a hand appeared with two cups, one outstretched in my direction. It was Lindsay. She smiled at me. “So nice of you to grace us with your presence,” she said sarcastically.

            I gulped down half of the beer before responding. “I had nothing better to do; Jack dragged me here anyway.” She raised her eyebrows, her expression turning towards one of irritation.

            “You know, maybe people would actually like you if you weren’t such a prick,” she snapped, holding her ground. “All anyone wants to be is nice to you and be your friend and you chase everyone away with your ‘holier than thou’ attitude and your disgusting attitude towards women.” She walked away toward the front door. “I don’t see what he sees in you, honestly.”

            I choked on my beer, wanting to call after her and ask her who she was talking about, but she had already flown out the door to greet someone else she saw. I shrugged, searching for more alcohol to deter my already dampening mood. If I was going to be in a bad mood I might as well get shit faced.

            A few people slapped me on the back when they saw me, others calling my name. I raised my glass to everyone, my steps becoming slightly more wobbly the more beer I drank. Barbara Dunkleman left her place on the couch and came to support me. “Dude, you’re smashed,” she laughed, steering me down a hallway.

            “No, no, ‘m fine,” I slurred. “I need mo beer.” As if to prove a point I raised my cup rather violently, sloshing beer down the both of us. She screamed slightly, trying (and failing) to move in time. “See? Fine.”

            “You are not fine, Gavin Free.” We had entered the game room and Ryan was playing a game on the couch with a couple guys from school and others were playing pool. I sat on the sofa – or rather Barbara sat me down – and stared at the TV, my vision swimming before my eyes.

            “Gavino! Glad you made it, buddy,” Ryan bellowed, pulling me into a bro-side hug. I smiled nauseously at him, the sudden movement stirring the beer around unhappily in my stomach.

            “Yeah, glad to b-be here,” I whispered, trying to force myself to breathe and not think about the liquid churning in my belly. It was no use. “I think I’m gonna hurl.” I shot up from the couch and hurriedly made my way to the bathroom, almost tripping over my own feet in the process. I opened the door and slammed it shut, kneeling in front of the porcelain toilet.

            Everything I drank when I came in the house exited from my body and went into the toilet. It was not a pretty sight and it smelled even worse. I closed the lid and flushed, resting my forehead on the cold seat. I was sweating and panting heavily, but I did feel a lot better.

            There was a knock on the door. “Gav?” It was Barbara. “I’m going to go get you some water okay?”

            “Okay,” I replied hoarsely. “Thanks.” She retreated from the doorway and I continued to rest my head on the toilet. I heard more footsteps come towards the door and I was about to shout at Barbara to just get me the damn glass of water when the door opened and it wasn’t Barbara.

            “Gavin?”

It was Michael Jones. My heart did an unexpected flutter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin and I stared at each other for about a solid minute before I remembered that I was about to piss myself. Oh, and I was drunk. What a lovely combination to experience when you barge in on your crush… who apparently had too much to drink as well.

_Michael’s POV_

Gavin and I stared at each other for about a solid minute before I remembered that I was about to piss myself. Oh, and I was drunk. What a lovely combination to experience when you barge in on your crush… who apparently had too much to drink as well.

“Sorry, bro, I didn’t mean to-“

“I was just-“

We chuckled nervously and I ran a hand through my hair, swaying on the spot. “I just needed to take a leak and this was the closest bathroom, but I can always find another one if you don’t want to move,” I said quickly, turning for the door.

“No, no, I’m fine. Just had a bit of a barf and I’m good to go.” He grinned nervously then slapped a hand to his face. “That was pretty gross of me to admit.” I smiled at him through my drunken stupor.

“Well I told you that I really had to piss so I guess we’re even.” My bladder was straining, begging to be relieved, but I pushed away the urge for a few more seconds of Gavin time. “Do… do you remember who I am?”

He nodded quickly, still slumped against the toilet. “You’re Michael.” _Mi-coo._ My heart fluttered wildly at the accented name. “We talked a lot when I first came here; we got pretty close. Then…” He didn’t finish his sentence but we both knew what he was going to say.

It was at that moment that Barbara Dunkleman came by with a glass of water in hand. “I got your water, Gav! Nice and cold to help with the effects of all the beer you drank.” She noticed me standing near the doorway and raised an eyebrow. “Oh hey, Michael!”

The water made me lose it and bolt from the bathroom to find an empty one. I couldn’t hold it anymore. “What’s wrong with him?” I heard Barbara ask Gavin.

\--

I finally was able to relieve the stress on my bladder (shakily, as the room was still spinning) and stood in the upstairs bathroom for a long time, staring at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were bright, my cheeks were flushed, and my hair was sweaty where it was sticking out from underneath my beanie. “The first conversation you have with Gavin in over a year and you’re _drunk_ ,” I scolded myself. Scoffing, I turned toward the door. “He’s really going to want you now, fucktard.”

I stumbled out of the bathroom and ran immediately into Kerry. We bumped heads and sprang apart. “Fuck,” he cursed, holding his forehead.

“Sorry,” I grumbled, rubbing my head to try and soothe the shooting pain I now felt. “I didn’t see you.”

“It’s okay, I’ll just have a headache the size of Texas for a while,” he said, not unkindly. He grinned at me. “Looks like you’ve had quite a bit to drink; you can’t stand up straight for shit.”

I scowled at him. “I thought you were supposed to be tailing Ray.”

“I lost him. I turned to say hi to my friend Miles and when I turned back around, he was gone; the girls were gone too,” he said, eyes wide.

I pulled out my phone and dialed Geoff, my drunken haze starting to clear slightly. “If this is a drunk dial I’m going to kick your ass,” he answered.

“I’m drunk but not that drunk,” I spat. “Listen, Kerry Fuckwad Shawcross lost sight of Ray, so I have no idea if he’s getting laid or if he’s nursing a face injury somewhere.” Geoff cursed on the other end. “I’m going to search upstairs in case he stumbled into a bedroom or something. He’s not going to get as much as a boner if I can help it.”

Geoff laughed, Griffon joining in in the background. Suddenly there was a bunch of rustling before Lindsay’s voice rang through the phone. “Michael Jones, don’t ruin Ray’s chance of getting laid! The poor guy deserves it, and you should be a good friend and support him!”

“Lindsay, the winner of the bet gets anywhere from ten to fifteen bucks and, because I know that you know where he is, we’ll buy you lunch and let you be in our next video if you don’t tip him off that we’re looking for him,” Geoff bribed. I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Ray? Who’s Ray?” she asked, playing along.

“Thanks, Lindsay. Alright, Michael, we have to have code names. You can be Charlie 1 and I’ll be Alpha 1.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why the hell do we need code names? It’s not like we’re planning some kind of heist.”

“I’m treating this like a mission, Michael. Besides, I’m having fun and you’re not going to ruin it.” I could almost hear the _“so there”_ that was implied at the end.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Fine, fucking whatever. I’m too sober for this.”

“I mean you can do this drunk if you want, it’ll just make for a harder time for you.”

“I was just going to wander around aimlessly until I happened to run into Ray; I didn’t mean to make it all Mission: Impossible up in this bitch.”

“Too late! Mission: Cock-block Ray is a go!” He hung up and I put my phone back in my pocket. Kerry was still standing there so I decided to let him help.

“Do me a favor. Find Ray for me, okay? I’m going to go get another beer,” I said, walking down the staircase.

“Sure, I’ll text you if I find him,” he said enthusiastically and ran down the hallway. I chuckled to myself. I liked Kerry, he was funny and a nice guy to be around, but he made it so damn easy to pick on him. I made my way to the kitchen and picked up a freshly poured cup of beer and sipped it, looking around the room.

Ryan had emerged from the game room and saw me. He pushed his way into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water (at least I think it was water.) “Are you glad you came?” he asked nonchalantly. I shrugged.

“I guess. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be, but I’m still not having the time of my life,” I muttered, taking a large sip of beer. He grinned around the rim of his glass.

“Parties usually aren’t all they’re hyped up to be. It’s just an opportunity to get drunk and flirt with people you normally wouldn’t flirt with while sober. Funnily enough you actually see the true side of people when they drink.”

I thought about what he said for a few minutes. When I get drunk, I get more emotional and my heart is on my sleeve; my barrier of protection falters and I’m just basically a target for any and all kinds of attacks. But I also lose the filter on my brain and say what comes to mind, too. “Yeah, I can see that.”

We were quiet for a few seconds before Ryan’s face lit up with a mischievous grin. He grabbed an empty beer bottle laying on the table and held it up. “Who wants to play spin the bottle?” he roared across the house. Cheers rang up from multiple rooms and the people still left at the party all rushed towards the living room. There were less than fifty there still, so we broke up into small groups so everyone had a chance to play.

I noticed Gavin had stumbled in, red cup in hand. He saw me and raised his glass, blushing – _blushing ­_ – slightly. The butterflies in my gut did somersaults. “Okay, here are the rules. You can’t back out of kissing whoever it lands on. Gender and sexuality have no pull here. If you’re playing and you’re dating somebody, make sure it’s okay before you kiss someone. When the bottle lands on someone during your turn, you can either kiss publicly or go in the closet for five minutes. It’s your choice,” Ryan announced.

My group consisted of Lindsay, Kerry, Geoff, Miles, Barbara, a girl named Kara, Griffon, Ryan, and – _oh no ­_ – Gavin. Half of our group was wasted by this point and I was almost there myself.

Lindsay spun first and landed on Kerry. The way his eyes lit up you would have thought it was Christmas. I snorted out loud and he shot me a dirty look. Lindsay took a deep breath before leaning in and pecking Kerry slightly on the mouth. When she pulled away, she released a breath. “Well, it wasn’t terrible.” Gavin squeal-laughed next to me.

Each took their turn and each kiss was more laughable than the last. Kerry landed on Griffon, who glanced apologetically at Geoff before planting one on him. Geoff landed on Ryan, and they jokingly kissed, trying to preserve their masculinity at the same time. Miles landed on Lindsay, Barbara on Gavin (I looked at my beer), Kara on Griffon, Ryan on Miles, and then finally it was my turn.

I shakily reached out my hand and spun the bottle, closing my eyes. I said a silent, contradictory prayer in my head. I wanted it to land on Gavin, but at the same time I didn’t. Everyone sucked in a breath and I opened my eyes. The bottle pointed to…

“Do you want to do this publicly or should we go in the closet?” an accented voice whispered in my ear. He was nervously wringing his hands and I started to sweat.

“I, uh...” I swallowed, trying to stop the room from spinning. “Closet.” Lindsay rolled her eyes while Geoff and Griffon suggestively wiggled their eyebrows. Ryan led us to the closet where we would have to stay inside for five minutes while we “kissed.”

He turned the doorknob and opened the door…

…revealing a very naked Ray and a very naked drunk _guy_ inside.

“Oh, h-h-hey guys,” he said, laughing nervously. We all stared at the Puerto Rican, the alcohol tempting me to crack all kinds of jokes at this moment. I did my best to bite my tongue and it was working. “This is Tina, and she’s-“

“A GUY!” we all yelled simultaneously. Ray must have been drugged by those girls he was talking to earlier because he honest to God thought he was getting naked with a chick.

“Wait a minute…” Gavin said, moving closer. He gasped. “JACK?”

“Ohm heyyy,” he slurred. “Thish ish Raven, ishn’t she beautiful?” _Bee-yoooooo-teee-fullll._ Jesus Christ.

“I got it,” Lindsay said, running into the kitchen. She returned moments later with a pitcher of water and threw it on the naked, disoriented men in her living room closet. Both screamed as the ice water touched their skin.

The drug-filled and alcohol induced haze that they were under must have evaporated, because they took one look at each other and ran screaming from the closet, pants down around their ankles.

We spent a good ten minutes on the floor, laughing so hard our sides hurt. Spin the bottle must have become boring to most of the party-goers that stuck around, because soon it was just me, Ryan, Goeff, Griffin, Lindsay, Gavin, and Kerry left (with Jack and Ray recovering their dignity somewhere in the house.)

The others decided to bring down Lindsay’s Xbox and watch her play Grand Theft Auto V for a while until they passed out on the floor or decided to go home. I sat with my back against the couch, drowsily watching Lindsay drive in the game, shooting at some cops that were following her, when I felt a tickling sensation near my ear.

“So how about that kiss, _Micoo_?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re drunk, Gav. You probably don’t even know what you’re about to do,” I stuttered, resisting the urge to just pull the Brit to me and have my way with him.

No one else had heard Gavin’s question, as they were too busy paying attention to Lindsay play the game. My heart fluttered and my palms began to sweat as I repeated his question over in my mind. That damn accent of his made him even more irresistible. I turned my head and saw how close his face was to mine. A couple more inches and I could have easily closed the gap in between us, kissing those lips I’ve dreamed about for months.

            I got up from my place on the floor, my drunken state nothing more than a buzz now. “I’ve got to piss and then get a bottle of water.” I rubbed my eyes, trying to shake the tired feeling I had. Feeling tired and excited at the same time was an odd combination.

            Gavin stood up, stumbling. He was still drunk slightly. “I’ll go too; I feel rather dehydrated.” I smiled slightly as I walked in the direction of the nearest bathroom, which was down a hallway. I heard footsteps behind me and knew that Gavin was at my heels. As soon as I knew we were out of sight I stopped and turned around. He was smiling nervously, bouncing from one foot to another like he had to pee.

            “You don’t have to kiss me, you know. You’re not even into guys,” I pointed out, trying to fish around for how he was feeling right now.

            “How do you know?” he halfway slurred, leaning in even closer. I could smell his cologne mixed with the beer on his breath. I stared into his eyes, his impeccably beautiful eyes, and hesitated.

            “You’re drunk, Gav. You probably don’t even know what you’re about to do,” I stuttered, resisting the urge to just pull the Brit to me and have my way with him. He put his hands on my shoulders and closed the distance between us, planting a kiss on my lips. His beard tickled my face but it was soft, not scratchy like Ray joked about. Our mouths fit together perfectly, his lips soft against my own chapped ones. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him as close as I could against me, losing myself in the feeling of his mouth on mine.

            He ran his hands though my hair, the pulling and combing sending pleasurable sensations up and down my spine. I tasted beer and passion on his tongue, which danced with mine slowly. I felt him reach around and put his hands in my back pockets, squeezing my ass through my jeans, which only heightened the growing boner I had in my boxers.

            I ran my hands down his chest to the edge of his tshirt, running my fingers along the hem teasingly. He bit my lip and pulled in response, which threw all self-control out the damn window. I ran my hands under his shirt and felt the smooth skin underneath. He was sweaty and hot but I didn’t care; I dreamt about this moment for so long and now that it’s here, nothing was going to ruin it.

            My hand toyed with the belt through his jeans and I started to unbuckle it when he suddenly pulled away, more bright eyed and flushed than I had ever seen him. I was breathless and hot in the face from desire. He was anxious, fanning at his face and not looking me in the eyes.

            There was no doubt in my mind that Gavin had feelings for me. You don’t just kiss someone with that much passion and that much tenderness without something stirring underneath your emotions. 

We were walking back towards the living room where we could hear Lindsay laughing at Kerry and Kerry cursing back at her ("GODDAMN MUGGERS!") when Gavin stopped me in the hallway. His eyes were nervously looking anywhere but at my face and he had one arm behind his head, his hand running through his hair.

"What’s wrong?" I asked, becoming increasingly worried. He bit his lip and finally looked me in the eyes. I reached out to touch his shoulder but he moved out of my reach. My hand dropped to my side, hanging like it was nothing but dead weight. 

"I don’t… I don’t think we should do that again," he whispered nervously, eyes begging me to understand. 

My heart may as well have been dead weight because my heart dropped, dangerously close to shattering. “But I thought… back there, you…”

"I was drunk - still am, slightly. I don’t know what came over me. I just think it may be best if we don’t kiss again… and we keep that a secret from everyone else. I’m sorry, Michael. I’m… I don’t like you that way."

Who would pick up the pieces of my broken heart now?

\--

I watched him walk back into the living room like nothing ever happened. Like the best night of my life never even occurred. I walked, stupefied, the opposite direction, stumbling into the bathroom and fighting back tears. I shut the door and turned the lock, staring at myself in the mirror. My hair was sticking out everywhere, my eyes were red and my face was flushed. My lip was trembling and a stray tear fell onto my cheek. I wiped it away but more flowed silently from my eyes.

            I don’t cry. I never have, not since I was younger anyway. I’ve gone through many different types of pain, ranging from stubbing my toe to breaking my arm, and none of those incidents caused me to shed a tear. But I’ll be damned if my heart breaking wasn’t the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

            I was mad at myself mostly for getting my hopes up. I _knew_ that he was drunk. I _knew_ that his wanting to kiss me was a product of the alcohol and not his actual desires. I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, Gavin liked me the way I like him. The tears were coming faster now and I was blubbering silently to myself, clinging onto the sink like it was a life preserver.

            I stayed in the bathroom for about ten minutes, trying to stop the tears. I wiped at my face and took deep breaths, trying to calm down. My eyes were bright with unshed tears and were even redder than before. Everyone would know I had been crying.

            “Whatever,” I scoffed at myself, sniffling. “I don’t give a fuck. I shouldn’t have given a fuck in the first place, let alone come to this goddamn party.” I left the bathroom and rounded to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. I downed half of it as I walked back to where everyone else was, sitting on the opposite side of Gavin near Geoff.

            “Are you okay?” I felt a hand touch my shoulder. It was Griffon, staring down worriedly at me. I nodded and managed a smile, even though it was void of any and all happiness. She still stared at me, unbelieving. “Have you been crying?”

            I shrugged, not giving her an answer. Griffon and Geoff were the only ones who could see through my bullshit. I focused my attention on the TV, even though my mind was nowhere near where my body was. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.

            _What happened?_ Geoff.

            _I’ll tell you later._

            I looked over at him and he nodded at me. He jerked his head towards the door, asking me if I wanted to leave. I nodded quickly and Geoff stood up, pulling Griffon up with him. He stretched his arms, fake yawning. “I think we’re going to find Ray and get out of here. We’re all tired and I think we’ve had too much fun for one night.” Lindsay paused the game and stood up, giving us all hugs. When she came to me she stopped, staring at me with concern. I mouthed ‘I’ll tell you later’ and managed a weak smile, pulling her into a hug.

            Ray came stumbling in, looking very much embarrassed. Jack trailed in after him, the same look of shame on his face. “Alright, _Raven_ ,” I teased, pulling him along. “We’re getting out of here.”

            “THANK GOD,” he shouted, giving Lindsay a quick hug and bolting out the door. I waved towards the rest of the group, giving Ryan a half-hearted slap on the back before following Ray outside. It was a cool, clear night, the perfect night to go camping under the stars or to just sit outside with a mug of coffee and do some deep thinking.

            As soon as we got in Geoff’s car he and Griffon turned around. “What the fuck happened with you and Gavin?” he asked, skipping straight to the point.

            “He was drunk and we made out. As soon as he realized what was happening he freaked out, sobered up, and basically said it’ll never happen again and to not tell a soul. I guess he doesn’t want the whole school to think he, the _perfect_ Gavin Free, likes men,” I spat, bitterness creeping into my voice. “It doesn’t fucking matter anymore. He broke me, I’m depressed, I cried like a little bitch in the bathroom, and now I just want to go home and pretend like this night never happened.” I stared out the window at Lindsay’s house. I could see the silhouettes of what looked like Jack and Ryan rolling on the floor, apparently in some kind of play fight.

            Geoff gave me a pitying, apologetic look. “I’m sorry we dragged you out tonight. I didn’t think this would happen.” I didn’t answer, my eyes burning again with tears threatening to spill over. “Ray and I can stay the night if you want, try and take your mind off of everything.” He wants to stay the night to make sure I don’t take my pocket knife and slit my wrists in the bathroom.

            “Yeah, whatever. That’s fine,” I finally responded. We finally pulled out of the driveway, leaving the worst night of my life behind.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ride home was silent. No one really knew what to say to me about what had happened back at Lindsay’s.

The ride home was silent. No one really knew what to say to me about what had happened back at Lindsay’s. I was still sniffling in the backseat and staring out the window, trying to fight back tears. All I could think about was Gavin’s lips, his voice, and the way he cheekily grinned at me when I walked in on him in the bathroom mid-puke. He was ruining my life and he didn’t even know it.

            Geoff pulled into my driveway after we dropped Griffon off at her home and he jumped out. I slowly got out of the vehicle and walked up the steps. I fumbled for my keys, dropping them several times in the process. “Fuck,” I cursed, grabbing them for the fifth time. A hand appeared and took them from me; it was Ray. He unlocked the door and walk inside, Geoff and I following behind. Mom was asleep on the couch with a blanket piled in the floor. She shivered slightly, curled up tightly in a ball. I pulled the blanket from the floor and draped it back on her.

            Ray was rummaging through the fridge for water bottles and soda while Geoff grabbed various snacks from the pantry. All three of us knew that we weren’t getting sleep any time soon. While they searched for provisions I walked into my room, stripping off my party outfit and putting on my usual sweat pants and wife beater, settling into my chair and turning on the Xbox. My body was tired but my mind was alert, going a million miles an hour. All thoughts led back to the British asshole.

            I was mentally kicking the shit out of myself for ever thinking I stood a chance with Gavin even though I knew he was bi-sexual. He was so scared that everyone would judge him at school. Which I guess I’m a hypocrite for being angry at him for that, since I was scared of the exact same thing. I pulled out my phone. There were texts from Lindsay and Griffon asking if I was okay; Kerry sent me a text asking if I thought he stood a chance with Lindsay; there was also a text from an unknown number.

            _Give him time. He’s just afraid of being who he really is. He’ll come around. –R_

Ryan. It had to be. My heart fluttered at the hope from the short text but my brain immediately squashed it. Hope was what got me into this mess in the first place – that and alcohol. I wish I had more right now, actually. I was too sober to feel all of this pain. There was a new update from Youtube; Gavin had uploaded another video, apparently from this night because he was still wearing the same clothes from the party. My thumb hovered over it for a while before I clicked the button to lock my phone. Screw Gavin. I searched through all of the games I had on my Xbox, trying to decide which game we would play for our next video.

            Geoff and Ray chose this moment to burst into my room, bringing with them an unlikely guest. “Lindsay?” I asked, confused. “What are you doing here?”

            She smiled. “Oh come on, Michael. I wasn’t about to let you leave the party that way. Besides, your mom woke up when Ray opened the door for me; she knows I’m here and doesn’t care if I stay.” She threw a bag to the ground, filled with overnight essentials, and sat in the chair next to mine. “I’ve got all night – or morning, I guess, since it’s like 3AM. Spill.” I stared at her, controller still clutched in my hands. She raised one eyebrow at me and I knew I was fucked.

            I sighed. “Gavin and I made out in your hallway and then he turned around and told me what we did couldn’t happen again, that he didn’t like me that way, and that I shouldn’t tell a soul.” Lindsay’s mouth formed an O as what I said hit her full force. “I’m fucking depressed now because I’ve had a massive crush on Gavin for a couple of years and last night gave me the hope I needed – wanted – to try and get a feel for him and see if there was a chance things might work between us and, as usual, my feelings got crushed, peed on, run over, and lit on fire.”

            “I’m going to take this moment and say I’m not going to say ‘I told you so’ because Gavin is just an asshole,” Geoff quipped, taking the controller from me. “I understand you both were a little drunk so inhibitions were gone, but the point of the thing is that he ended with ‘I don’t like you that way’ which just completely fucked you up.” Ray nodded vigorously, stuffing his face with potato chips. I laughed slightly at his face, cheering up for a moment.

            “I really don’t want to be the devil’s advocate here but maybe Gavin is the way he is because of certain things. I know that’s no excuse to be rude and shit but he may have some past stuff that’s really fucked with his mind,” Lindsay pondered hesitantly. I shrugged. “Maybe he was bullied back where he grew up or something tragic happened that turned him into a dick,” she continued.

            “That shouldn’t turn someone into an asswipe, though,” I countered. “Starting over in a new place – a new _country_ – should have allowed him to try and be a better person.” It was silent for a few moments, my words sinking in. Lindsay shook her head and turned, facing the TV.

            “Don’t judge someone before you know the full story,” she murmured. I looked at her profile for a beat and noticed things I hadn’t paid attention to before. She had faint scars on her nose and cheek and her eyes, though they seem bright and full of light and happiness, have an edge to them; I couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly, but it wasn’t positive. It’s remarkable what you learn about somebody without speaking.

            Geoff cleared his throat, bringing us all back to Earth. “So, onto a different subject. I figured we could continue the party here since it didn’t go over so well at Lindsay’s.” The tension lifted and everyone was back in better spirits. “This way Ray won’t get caught in a closet, mostly naked, with someone of the same gender,” he laughed, poking fun at him. Ray scowled and stayed silent, his face turning red.

            “For the record, I was drugged and drunk so I had no idea what I was doing,” he defended, staring intently at the TV screen.

            “Make all the excuses you want, _Raven,_ ” I cackled. “You and Jack seemed pretty cozy in that closet and I know for damn sure you were in there longer than five minutes. Are you looking to take a walk on the wild side?” I stretched, my wife beater rising enough to reveal part of my stomach. Lindsay reached over and tickled it, sending me collapsing into the floor. “Lindsay, please.”

            She continued her assault for several minutes, finding every damn tickle spot I had. We wrestled on the floor, knocking into everything and everybody while Geoff began a string of commentary. “Lindsay ‘TuggLife’ Tuggey has Michael ‘Mogar’ Jones in a headlock with one arm and is tickling the shit out of him with another. Ooh, now Michael has broken free and is returning the assault, causing Lindsay to emit a squeal every little kid in the world would be jealous of right now. Ow, Michael just hit a leg on the desk; that had to hurt.”

            In the midst of the chaos Ray opened a beer and chose a movie on Netflix to watch (or use as background noise.) Lindsay and I both paused in our battle. “Where the hell did you get beer?” I demanded. He pointed to my assailant. “You didn’t tell me you brought alcohol!” I pushed her off me and rummaged through the bag, finding several bottles of beer and a couple quarter-full bottles of vodka. “I definitely needed more of this after tonight.” I grabbed an empty cup and filled it halfway with vodka and filled the rest up with Dr. Pepper. I swallowed about half of it in one gulp, enjoying the sting of the alcohol on my throat.

            “Be careful,” Geoff warned. “You may do something you’ll end up regretting.” I shrugged, taking another (smaller) sip.

            “I already have. Alcohol is just going to make me forget it all for a while.” I started on glass number two when Ray decided to just pop in Minecraft and work on our city for a while. I noticed there were three other guys in the city working on new buildings. I recognized LegitBrit but didn’t recognize the other two. “Who the hell is that?”

            “That’s Ryan and Jack. I invited them to join our city, since we seemed to get along so well tonight,” Geoff explained, sitting next to Lindsay. “Hey, Ryan sent us an invite to a party. Click it.” Ray pressed a few buttons and then Ryan’s deep voice bellowed from my TV.

            “Hey guys!” He sounded cheery for it being almost four in the morning. I told him so. “I usually don’t get a lot of sleep on the weekends, which usually comes back to bite me in the ass. But hey, there’s games to be played and sleep only interferes with it.” I raised my glass in the air even though he couldn’t see it. Glass number three.

            “Cheers,” I slightly slurred. A laugh could be heard from the TV from Jack, who was also in the party.

            “Jesus, Michael Jones is drunk _again_?” He was still laughing so I knew he didn’t mean it in a vicious way. “Someone’s filming it right?”

            “Christ, Jack, I’m just a little drunk, not doing carnival stunts on a tight rope above a pit of snakes,” I snapped. “If anyone should have filmed anything it should have been you and _Raven_ over here getting busy in the closet.” Ryan started laughing really hard and everyone else joined in while Jack stayed silent. Ray threw a game case at me which I somehow dodged. “Ray, why did you just throw that at me? Wait, no, don’t throw that,” I pleaded as he picked up my glass Minecraft statue of a creeper. “Seriously, itshh valuble.”

            “Geoff, how many glasses has he had?” Ryan asked.

            “He’s on his third,” Geoff replied, shaking his head at me while laughing into his palm.

            “In his defense, though, he did have a rough night,” Lindsay countered, throwing a smile my way. I smiled back at her, grateful for being defended. My brain was fuzzy and my vision was starting to go out of focus slightly.

            “Why did you guys leave so early?” Jack asked. I heard music playing in the background but couldn’t quite make out the song. I froze, the glass halfway to my mouth.

            “Uh, we were all pretty tired and just wanted to go home,” Ray said quickly. He laughed. “It was more than enough excitement for me for one night.” I could almost hear Jack’s embarrassment through the console.

            “I can’t really stand to be around Gavin much anyway, drunk or not,” added Geoff. I mouthed ‘thanks.’ “No offense.”

            “None taken. He _can_ be a bit a dick,” Ryan said, the smile in his voice clear. “I take that back. He _is_ a major dick. But there’s a side to him that you guy really haven’t seen yet. I may be the only one who’s seen it.” There was a pause. “I wouldn’t judge Gavin too harshly until he sits down and tells you his past, which he only will do with people he absolutely trusts.” Lindsay sat back smugly while the room began to spin every time I moved my head.

            “I told the guys that just a few minutes ago,” she said. “I’ve known people similar to Gavin who come off as total assholes but there’s a reason for it.”

            “Yeah, just give him time, Michael. He’ll come around.”

            I finished off my drink and stood up, reaching for a beer. My legs forgot how to function and I fell flat on my ass, giggling stupidly. “Wellllllllllll,” I laughed, “I’m drunnnnnk. I think.” Everyone laughed at me as I tried to get up and get the beer. Lindsay passed me a water instead, which I promptly grabbed, flipped her off, and downed most of the bottle. “Ry-Ryan, why are you telling _meee_ all of this?”

            There was a longer pause this time. “Because I know you’re gay, Michael.” My eyes went wide and the fog cleared from my mind slightly, giving way to anger. I eyed the others in the room.

            “Alright, who told?” I snapped. Each person held up hands in defense. I narrowed my eyes at Ray.

            “No one told me,” said Ryan. “I, uh, kind of walked by when you and Gavin were, uh, getting busy in Lindsay’s hallway.” I smacked myself on the forehead and laid on my stomach on the floor, groaning. “Did… did he break? Did I break him?”

            “He’ll be fine,” Lindsay said, reassuring.

            “For what it’s worth, I won’t tell anyone, Michael. That’s why Gavin trusts me; I’m basically a vault.” I grunted in response, the liquid in my stomach stirring violently. I lifted myself off the ground and stumbled out of the room. No one followed to see where I was going; I guess they assumed I had to pee or vomit.

            I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I sat on the toilet with my phone and unlocked it, pressing a few buttons until I was staring at Gavin’s newest video. My thumb hovered over the video, only this time I pressed play.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I pressed play, waiting a moment for the movie to buffer. When it finally loaded I hit pause, observing Gavin on the screen. He looked… defeated. Broken. Guilty. Any number of adjectives. His eyes were sad, his clothes were rumpled and there was no cheeky Gavin Free smile on his face. His mouth seemed to be set in a permanent frown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I've been trying to write Chapter 9 for a few weeks now, and the way I write is I write whatever I'm inspired to write; if that happens to be a new chapter of something, then yay. If it's a new one-shot, so be it. So please be patient (with this story, and others) because I don't have a set schedule for updates. xo

I pressed play, waiting a moment for the movie to buffer. When it finally loaded I hit pause, observing Gavin on the screen. He looked… defeated. Broken. Guilty. Any number of adjectives. His eyes were sad, his clothes were rumpled and there was no cheeky Gavin Free smile on his face. His mouth seemed to be set in a permanent frown.

            _I really fucked it up tonight. I did. I could blame the alcohol or the pressure of the situation – but who am I kidding? It was my fault. All of it. I ruined what could have been a turning point in my life; I had a choice to make and I chose the scared, easy way out. I’m a pussy._

He paused, staring into the camera, and I noticed one lonely little tear roll down from his eye and get caught in his facial hair. I felt like those eyes – those lovely blue eyes – were staring into my soul, begging me to understand.

            _I met someone tonight. At a high school party. It was lovely, even if I did get pretty smashed – still am a bit. My boys were there and I was talking to everyone, even if I did come off as a bit of a dick._ Silence. _Okay, I_ was _a complete asshole._ He laughed suddenly, but it was without humor. _We actually met while I was heaved over the toilet, vomiting my insides out. What a way to meet someone, eh? He just burst in, looking for somewhere to take a piss and there I was. God, I can only imagine how I looked._ He face-palmed rather violently, groaning into his hand.

            _All I could think to do was grin at him. See, I’m a pretty cheeky bastard who gets rather flustered easily, so my brain just went to shit when I saw him. He asked if I remembered him – of course I did. I won’t say his name here, but it just – it sticks in my mind. I can picture it, picture him, as though he were standing right in front of me._ He closed his eyes. _Brown, curly hair. Glasses covering brown eyes. Perfect smile._ He opened his eyes, a sad look washing over him again.

            _A smile that I may never see again because I’ve fucked it all up. In one moment of pure bliss, I panicked. I said things and now I will probably never get him to forgive me or give me an actual chance, not just a drunken makeout session in the hallway of one of our mutual friend’s home. I freaked out and – and I lied. I told him I didn’t feel that way about him and that it would never happen again._

 _I’m such a bloody idiot. I’m scum, I’m lower than scum, and I’m… a scared, weak, pathetic little pansy who is terrified of getting hurt once again. That’s a story for another video because I’m bloody exhausted, depressed, and I just feel absolutely hopeless that anything is going to go right for me ever again._ He scratched his head, yawning adorably on camera. He stretched, revealing a patch of (rather hairy) stomach. My stomach fluttered. _I just hope that somehow this universe we live in will take pity on me and right my wrong, because I’ve never met anyone like him. We were friends a couple of years ago but we drifted when I became a jackass after coming back from England._

_I wish we could rekindle the friendship, and maybe turn it into something more. But I guess my life isn’t some cheesy romance novel that ends happily. It feels more like a tragedy._

_Cheers._

The video stopped and I stared at my bathroom wall for a few moments, unsure how to feel about this video. I’ve been yanked around a few times before, people thinking they can just toy with my emotions and I’ll fall for it for their own amusement. This seemed like it could be another one of those – but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn’t be.

            Ray’s advice kept echoing in my brain. Maybe I should just let it go and not act on any of my feelings. Whatever happens is going to happen whether or not I do anything about it. If Gavin wants me, he’s going to have to come to me, not the other way around. There was a knock on the door.

            “Michael?” Lindsay’s voice sounded through the door. “Are – are you okay in there? You’ve been in there for a while.”

            “Yeah I’m fine,” I called back, feeling better than I have all night. I got up and turned the doorknob, revealing her concerned face. “No, really, I’m okay. I just needed some space for a few minutes.” I smiled at her and her face finally cheered up as she leaned in to pull me into a hug. She held me tightly for a few moments. I’ve learned you really can’t stay mad or upset around Lindsay; she just has this calming air about her.

            “If you weren’t gay I would totally try and date you,” she randomly muttered into my shoulder. I started laughing.

            “Back at you, pretty lady,” I laughed, holding her tighter. When we pulled apart she grabbed my arm and led me back into the room where Ray and Geoff were squaring off against Jack and Ryan in Call of Duty.

            “Well it’s about time you came back,” hollered Geoff, sniping Ryan from a nearby building. “You can watch as Ray and I kick their asses.”

            “In your dreams, Ramsey,” Jack said, followed by a cheer as he took out Geoff soon after. “We’re about to haul ass and win this.” I sat in my chair once again, feeling lighter and happier than I have been for a while.

            “So what’s your plan, Michael?” Ryan asked. “How are you going to reel in your man?” There was a brief silence before we all started laughing.

            “You know Ryan, with the deep voice you have there are certain things that should not come out of your mouth and that, my friend, was one of them,” I teased. “But to answer your question, I’m not.” The game was suddenly paused as everyone in the room looked at me. I could feel Jack and Ryan staring at their screens in disbelief. “What? That’s what Ray told me to do!”

            “When the fuck have you ever listened to me?” he asked incredulously.

            “Since you gave me some pretty good advice for once?”

            He stared at me before smacking himself in the face. “Man, I’ve got to stop doing that. All my advice sounds great coming out of me but not so great when it’s fired back in my face.”

            “Maybe he shouldn’t do anything,” Geoff chimed in. “I mean, when has chasing after somebody gotten him anywhere? All it’s given him is heartache and has sent him spiraling back into his depression. Maybe the best thing to do in this case is simply that – nothing.” I nodded at Geoff, thankful he had my back.

            “Don’t even think about turning this into some kind of mission impossible bullshit or some kind of stupid teen movie where the friends all plot to get two people together behind their back because that’s just going to fuck it all up,” I warned.

            “Damn it,” Lindsay muttered, pouting. “I had just come up with codenames for all of us too!”

            “…what was mine?” asked Ryan with genuine curiosity.

            “Mad King Ryan because you just sound like the kind of person who would do things like overthrow a kingdom, set things on fire, betray your closest friends, and keep a cow hostage in your basement.”

            I swear I could hear the blood flowing through my veins, it was so quiet. “What the fuck?” Ryan laughed through the TV, causing Geoff to collapse in absolute hysterics. Once Geoff started laughing I knew we were doomed to about fifteen minutes of just abdomen-strengthening laughter. 

            Once we all caught our breath a phone started ringing. It was ‘God Save the Queen’ and it was coming from the TV. “One second guys,” Ryan said. “Hello?” … “Gavin, what’s wrong? …No, Gavin, no I’ll come get you.” I heard the jingling of keys. “Stay right where you are. I mean it. Okay. Okay, bye.” I heard the rustling as Ryan moved around the room. “I’ll be right back guys. Gavin’s not having the best night.”

            “I’ll come too; it usually takes both of us to cheer him up,” said Jack, putting down his headset.

            Those of us in the room just looked silently at each other. “I hope he’s okay,” Lindsay finally said quietly.

           

            _Gavin’s POV_

After posting my sob story to my channel, everything just went downhill from there. My mum walked into my room and saw me crying, called me a little pussy, yelled at me for it and then left. My “friends” from back home sent me messages that seemed complimentary on the outside but, if read between the lines, were actually really insulting. I felt worthless and unloved, even by people who are supposed to love me.

            That razor blade in the bathroom looked better and better each time I glanced at it.

            No, I told myself. No, I was not going to go back to that place, that utterly dark place where there seemed to be no way out. I calmly moved about my room and packed a few bags with clothes and other essentials and left the house, away from my mum’s shouting and all of the negativity. I couldn’t do it anymore.

            Asshole Gavin was gone completely. It was tiring keeping up that façade for so long. What was left was the real Gavin Free. The kind, caring, sensitive, bi-sexual Gavin Free. The other Gavin would not be coming back. I whipped out my phone and called Ryan.

            “Hello?”

            “Ryan, I need your help.”

            “Gavin, what’s wrong?”

            I sighed. “I left my house. Packed a couple of bags and left. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was sick of being treated like shit, like I was worthless. I’m going to take the next bus out of town.”

            “No, Gavin, no I’ll come get you.” I could hear him rustling about his room.

            “Ryan-“

            “Stay right where you are. I mean it.”

            “Fine. I’m at that little park not too far from my house.”

            “Okay.”

            “I’ll be on the swing set.”

            “Okay. Bye.”

I sat down on the swing closest to me and leaned my head back, staring up at the stars. They twinkled at me from the sky as if they were giving me twinkles of encouragement. I smiled briefly before something caught my eye. It was a shooting star. I quickly closed my eyes and struggled to find something to wish for until I found the perfect thing.

“Michael Jones.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This probably isn't the best chapter, but I wanted to get into the habit of writing at least one chapter a week for this story, so here's chapter 9. It's not really long, so I apologize. xo

A couple of weeks passed since Gavin left his house, and he was living with Ryan now, but nothing between us had changed. He still avoided me when we crossed paths at school and when I came up to Ryan or Jack while he was talking with them he would turn on his heel and walk away. I'm not going to lie, the pain in my heart was fucking painful, especially because he wouldn't even talk about what happened that night with me. I noticed a big change in the Brit; we all did. He wasn't loud anymore, choosing instead to be more secluded and shy than he used to be. He practically always had headphones in when he walked the halls or sat down to lunch. He was tuning out everyone, choosing to be alone.

"This fucking sucks," I muttered as I sat my tray down at lunch. Lindsay wasn't there yet so it was just Ray and Geoff who gave me sympathetic looks. "I just want him to talk to me. Is that too much to ask for?" I shook my carton of milk before opening it and downing a large gulp. 

"You just have to give him time, man," Ray said while biting into his apple.

"I mean you guys were drunk and kissed, so it's not like he's going to admit anything to you," Geoff added. "If Gavin wants to talk to you about it - or talk to you period - I would just wait it out. The more you try and pressure him, the more he's going to run." He was right, even though the stubborn part of me wanted to walk up to Gavin and pin him down, forcing him to actually look at me for once. I told them that and they laughed. 

A flurry of red hair caught my attention and Lindsay took a seat next to me, paper sack in hand. She smiled at us. "Sorry I'm late; Mr. Heyman kept me after class to talk about a poem I wrote. What did I miss?" We shrugged.

"Just discussing Michael's Gavin situation," Ray said, nodding his head in the direction of his table. Gavin was talking to Ryan and Jack but there was something fake about his laughter. It didn't reach his eyes and I sighed, picking at my mac and cheese. Griffon sat down beside Geoff a couple seconds later and he smiled at her, complete adoration in his eyes. She kissed his cheek before giggling quietly. I rolled my eyes and jokingly gagged over my food. Goeff glared at me from across the table.

"Just give him time, Michael," Lindsay said quietly, rubbing small circles onto my back. I slammed my fork down, causing everyone to jump.

"How much fucking time do I need to give him? We graduate in  _three fucking months,"_ I all but shouted. I hated waiting; I hated waiting for something that I didn't know the end result to. I just wanted Gavin to smile at me, or to tell me 'hi' in the hallway. Some kind of contact would be  _great._

"I'll talk to him," promised Lindsay, who pulled me into a reassuring side-hug. I was stressed out and annoyed and worried and... 

I felt my eyes begin to sting and became pissed off.  _You will not cry, you fucking idiot. Not in front of your friends, not in front of a cafeteria full of people, and fuck you if you think you're going to cry in front of Gavin._ I picked up my tray and turned away from the group, mumbling an excuse about homework I forgot to do as i hurried from the room. I felt eyes on my back as I headed for the doors and risked glancing back at the tables, catching Gavin's blue eyes quickly return to his tray before I fled. 

* * *

I spent the rest of lunch crying in the bathroom, trying to convince myself that the British idiot wasn't worth crying over, but everything else screamed that yes, he was worth it and you loved him and you would love him until something drastic happened but fuck if you wouldn't love him then too. By the time I was finished I didn't feel better, and my eyes were red from all the tears I cried, but I felt like I could face the rest of the day before going home, crawling into bed, and just hibernating until tomorrow morning. 

It was hard, knowing the truth about Gavin. I knew that he was bi-sexual, that he liked me too; but it was difficult in knowing that he denied around people he knew but could openly admit things to people on the internet. 

I left the restroom to head to class, bumping into someone almost immediately. "Fuck, watch where you're going," I yelled as my books went flying on the ground. I bent down to retrieve them when I noticed the familiar accent in the, "Sorry mate" the other student muttered. I froze, even as Gavin's outstretched hand tried to hand me my folders. I looked up and was met with extremely tired blue eyes. We both stood back up and suffered through a couple seconds of an awkward silence before I finally opened my mouth. "How are you?"

He shrugged, eyes flitting around no doubt trying to find some kind of an escape. I sighed, impatient with Gavin. 

"Gavin why won't you talk to me?" I asked softly, much to the Brit's surprise. It's not as though I were the one who lied to him about my feelings; I never even got a chance to properly talk to him about that before he shut me down. He shrugged again and began walking in the direction of his next class. Students were filling up the hallway, exiting the lunchroom. "Yeah nice talking to you too!" I shouted, causing multiple students to jump. "Asshole," I added under my breath before I walked to my class. 

It was difficult to pay attention in math, since all of my thoughts shifted to Gavin. Geoff threw paper wads at me when it seemed like I had drifted off for too long, but it didn't stop me from thinking about him. I just felt like I deserved some kind of explanation; I felt like we should talk it out even if he continued to deny his feelings because some closure was better than fucking no closure. My math notes ended up being mindless doodles with Gavin's name sprinkled throughout on the page. 

"Dude, you're going to fail if you don't fucking pay attention," Geoff scolded as we walked to our final class - one that i just so happened to share with Gavin. 

"I can't help it; it's bugging the shit out me," I mumbled, becoming slightly nervous as we neared the door. He threw an arm around my shoulders. 

"I know man, but trust me on this. Everything is going to work out one way or another." Geoff was trying to be positive and optimistic but I was the kind of person who wanted something to happen  _now._ I hated waiting. Geoff laughed as I made a face at his suggestion and we walked into class, finding our seats near the back. Gavin sat in front of me but he wasn't there yet. 

Geoff and I chatted a bit more until the bell rang for the beginning of class - just as Gavin flew in the door, clearly out of breath. "Sorry I'm late; was in the office," he grinned, handing the teacher the note which she gladly accepted. He walked towards his seat, the smile falling from his face when he remembered who he sat in front of. It was replaced with worry and nerves and something else I couldn't quite put a finger on. 

When the teacher began her lesson on tragedies, Geoff poked me in between my shoulder blades. I noticed the note he was trying to hand to me and took it, quietly opening it up. 

> _Now's the perfect opportunity for you to talk to him. He can't run away._

I nodded slightly and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper, scribbling a note onto it.

> _Look, I get it. You're embarrassed or something because of what happened at the party. But you know, I don't care. I really don't. You want to know why? Because I really want to be your friend and it fucking hurts that you're blatantly ignoring me. The sooner you get over your embarrassment, the sooner we can start hanging out, asshole. So what's it going to be? Because I will interrupt this class and give you the most stern god damned talking to of your life, so help me. I'll even do it in Shakespearean English just to be a prick._

I mimicked Geoff and poked Gavin in between his shoulder blades to get his attention. He jumped and I slid the note towards his left arm. He hesitated before sighing and taking it, opening it up slowly. I waited while he read it and my heart leaped excitedly when his shoulders began shaking with his silent laughter. I heard a barely audible squeal leave the Brit as he finished the note, scribbling something below my writing before handing it back to me. 

> _I guess I am being a donut. I'm sorry, Michael. I was just embarrassed because I was drunk and what I said to you was stupid, because it implied that I assumed something about you that probably isn't true and I... can we start over?_

I smiled as I read the note, waiting until the bell rang to pull the Brit into a hug, which shocked myself almost as much as him. When I pulled away I flushed red and awkwardly scratched my head. "Sorry. I was just extremely happy you talked to me," I said sheepishly, gathering my books. He grinned at me and my heart flipped. 

"I was just being stupid and over-thinking I guess. Friends?" he asked, smiling softly. I nodded, even though I really wanted to tell him no, that I wanted to be more than friends.  _He hasn't come out to me in person, so I'm not going to push it._

"Now kiss, assholes, so we can leave," added Geoff who had been standing impatiently while we had our little exchange. Gavin squeaked, caught off guard while I laughed and shuffled him forward. When we exited the classroom Lindsay was waiting on the other side, grinning at all of us. 

"My boys have made up!" she squealed, pulling both of us into a suffocating hug. 

"Linds," I gasped, "I can't breathe." She pulled away and apologized but still grinned. 

"I told Michael I was going to talk to you if you didn't get the fuck over yourself," she told Gavin, narrowing her eyes at him. He gulped. "But that doesn't seem to be necessary anymore so I just would like to point out that it's Friday and I have no plans, so you guys need to fix that." Ryan and Jack met up with us as we all walked towards the parking lot. Ray was waiting by Geoff's car, typing something into his phone. He looked up at the sound of our voices and brightened when he saw that Gavin and I were talking.

"Well it's about fucking time," he yelled at Gavin, smirking. "I thought I was going to have to put the Puerto Rican smack down on you for ignoring my best friend over here." Gavin laughed a bit nervously, unsure how to respond. "So what do you guys want to do tonight? We can just chill at someone's house and play Xbox and watch movies, or we can go bowling or go to the movies. There's really not all that much to do, so I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out something." 

We stood around brainstorming and eventually decided to go to Ryan's place for a game and pizza night. Ray and I hopped into Geoff's car and followed behind Jack, Lindsay and Ryan to the house. I texted my mom to let her know where I was and she sent back,  _Have fun! Let me know if you're staying the night. xo._ _  
_

* * *

The ride was pleasantly silent as Geoff drove. The music was low, but still loud enough that we could hear the songs that were playing. 

"That was easier than I thought it would be," Ray finally said, breaking my thought process. I shrugged.

"Yeah; I told him I was going to make a scene in class if he didn't talk to me and told him what a fucking idiot he was being. It worked," I laughed. 

"So what are you going to do next?"

I thought for a moment. "Nothing." I saw Ray give me a look in the mirror and I glared at him. "I mean it, Ray. He hasn't come out to me yet so I'm just going to focus on being his friend. If anything happens, I would like for us to be somewhat close, you know?" 

Geoff snorted. "Yeah.  _Close."_ I would have shoved him if he wasn't currently driving the car. 

"Really fucking classy, Geoff," I muttered, rolling my eyes. He laughed at me as he pulled into Ryan's driveway, parking behind Lindsay's car. We got out of the vehicle, assembling towards Ryan. 

"Well, this is me," he said, waving his hands at the nice two story house we were standing in front of. "Let's go." We followed him, but I grabbed Gavin's arm to hold him back for a moment. 

"We'll be right there," I told Ryan when he gave us a curious look. He shrugged and disappeared into the house. 

"What's up, Michael?"  _Micoo. God damn it butterflies, chill the fuck out._

"I just wanted to make sure you were actually okay and not just putting up a front or something," I said, searching his face, looking for any sign that he was bullshitting me. He simply smiled - one that reached his eyes and made them crinkle - and pulled me into a hug. 

"I'm fine, Michael. I promise. I just over-reacted," he said to the top of my head. We stayed like that for a moment before I pulled away. 

"Alright, alright, let's go kick some ass," I laughed, throwing my arm around Gavin as we walked into the house. 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter, yay.

It didn't take me long to figure out that Gavin's skill at video games went one of two ways: either he was really good at them or he was really bad, depending on the actual game. There was no happy medium; those were the two options. Us guys (and Lindsay) played a multitude of games in Ryan's game room, which was just a really fancy word for renovated basement. Gavin kicked ass if the game was a racing game or a somewhat strategic game that required creative thinking skills. However, first person shooters? Well...

"I've never seen someone miss shooting someone at point blank range as many times as you, Gav," Ray laughed, sniping his character in the process. We were playing Call of Duty and were divided into teams: Gavin and myself against Geoff and Ray, while Lindsay, Jack, and Ryan sat happily eating pizza. Gavin made a few frustrated noises as he tried again to snipe Ray from a distance and failed. 

"Bollocks," he mumbled, eyebrows furrowed with frustration. I found myself unable to look away from his face and admiring how he looked when he was concentrated on a task. He bit his bottom lip slightly and leaned closer to the TV as though that would help him get in a better position to fire his weapon. I was so caught up in Gavin that I didn't realize it when Geoff threw a grenade and blew me the fuck up, ending the game with their victory.

"Fuck!" I shouted, gently tossing the controller towards the cackling man. If it had been my own it would have hit the wall with a heavy force behind it, possibly indenting the wall in the process.

"Well that's what you get for zoning out you dickhead," he shouted at me, pumping his fists in the air at his victory. I narrowed my eyes at him and lobbed a full can of soda at his head which he caught mid-air. "Why are you throwing shit at me? It's not my fault you lost." 

"I wasn't fully focused so you had an unfair advantage in your win!" I argued back. "If I hadn't of been distracted I would have kicked your asses."

"Yeah but you were, so just accept defeat and move on," Ray said with a cheeky smile, biting into a slice of pizza. I rolled my eyes and dropped the topic, choosing to fill my mouth with cheese and pepperoni instead of angry words. I noticed Gavin was unusually quiet and looked at the Brit, who was smiling slightly at me over his own pizza. I couldn't help but smile back at him. Everything about Gavin was infectious, his laugh, his smile, even his humor and his British slang. Being around Gavin was like being around a drug; once you're hooked you can't seem to get enough. 

Gavin's phone rang suddenly, causing us all to jump. He smiled apologetically at us and left the room, taking the call to a different area of the house. No one seemed to care, as Jack, Ryan, and Lindsay booted up Mario Kart. "You do realize that you guys won't be friends anymore after you play this right?" I asked. 

"We've played this plenty of times before and we're still okay," Jack told me, picking his character. I raised an eyebrow skeptically. 

"But you haven't played with Lindsay," I laughed, knowing how the redhead was at video games. "She'll kick all of your asses and laugh while doing so." Everyone looked at the girl in question and she simply smiled, mimicking a halo above her head. I threw a pillow at her, knocking her almost fully over onto the floor, laughing. 

Gavin came back into the room, a look of awe on his face. "What's up, Gav?" asked Ray. He silently walked over and took a spot beside me on the couch, leaning back and seemingly melting into the cushions. 

"It's... it's two things, really," he whispered. I sat up suddenly, worried about how he was acting. 

"A...are you okay?" I asked, mentally searching for anything that might be wrong with him. He put his hands over his face and started giggling that stupid giggle of his, where it goes all squeaky and bird-like. 

"Well, Mr. Sorola called and told me that I got the  _lead in the play!_ " he announced excitedly through his fingers. We looked at each other and began cheering. I knew that Gavin had tried out for the part of Romeo in the upcoming  _Romeo and Juliet_ play but I hadn't heard anything about who got what part.  _  
_

"What part are you going to play? Romeo or Juliet?" joked Ray, snickering. I shot him a death glare and threw a pillow at his head.

"You're such a fucking idiot, Ray," I chastised, wrapping an arm around Gavin's shoulders. He didn't seem to care about the joke, laughing right along with Ray. 

"As much as I believe I would look great in a long, blonde wig and a dress, I believe Mr. Sorola told me I would be playing Romeo," he chuckled. 

"That was the first thing; what was the second?" asked Lindsay, looking up away from the screen as they were patiently waiting for Gavin to tell his news before they began to race. His expression got less excited but still retained a bit of happiness when she asked. 

"My mate Dan from back home is coming to America to live. He's going to be finishing up school with us," he said, looking me in the eyes as though he were wanting me to understand something. 

"Wait, Gav. Is this  _the_ Dan...?" asked Jack before Gavin cut him off.

"Yes, it's  _that_ Dan, Jack. And before you say anything, he's changed," snapped the now irritated Brit. The sudden change in Gavin's demeanor startled me. What was so bad about his friend that he would get upset over it? I opened my mouth to ask before promptly deciding against it. I just got Gavin to speak to me again; I wasn't about to ruin it with questions he was clearly defensive of. 

"All right, let's start the race so I can watch Lindsay kick both your asses," I laughed, changing the subject. Gavin caught my eye and mouthed 'thanks' to which I shrugged and gave him a soft smile. 

* * *

 

We didn't go to sleep until late that night (or early that morning, depending on how you looked at it.) I tossed and turned for a while, getting some very light, restless sleep. So when I checked my phone for the thousandth time and saw that it was just after six in the morning I decided to just stay awake; I could always sleep early tonight and get better sleep in my own bed. Ryan told us his mother wouldn't be home until around nine or ten in the morning, since she worked a late hospital shift and his dad left a few years ago. I quietly stepped over the sleeping bodies of my friends, careful not to wake any of them up, and headed outside to the porch where there was a swing. I sat down and just admired the sunrise and how peaceful nature could be if you got up early enough to experience it.

I still thought about the drunken kiss sometimes, when my mind wandered off on its own. I also remembered Gavin's words when he said it couldn't - and wouldn't - happen again. The memory hurt, but only I knew that he only said those things because he wasn't ready to come out to us. I know what it's like to need to fully trust somebody before you tell them something of that level of importance, remembering my own coming out. 

I pulled out my phone and noticed a notification I had missed when I first woke up.  _Gavin Free has uploaded a new blog post._ I raised an eyebrow and opened the browser, scrolling to the beginning of the post. Gavin must have posted this when we all fell asleep; the time stamp was not long after I passed out on the floor. 

> _I've known my whole life that when something good happens there will always be something bad right at its heels. Well, I didn't realize that when I finally kicked myself in the ass and got over my humiliation of the night I drunkenly kissed Michael (and enjoyed it, though I told him otherwise) that something bad would soon follow._
> 
> _The good thing is that Michael and I are legitimate friends since I've gotten rid of my attitude, my mask, if you will. I still haven't told him - or any of the others - about my sexuality because I'm still afraid that they will point fingers and call me horrible names. I don't fully trust them quite yet, but can you blame me? After all that I've been through. Being his friend is nice because I know that once we get closer I'll feel comfortable opening up to him. But for now, I'm keeping that locked up nice and tight._
> 
> _He jokingly (at least I think it was a joke) that he would make a scene in English class and yell at me in Shakespearean English. I wanted to respond with "Endue it on, Michael. i am the master of this language and argal thou will not win against me. so thither" but I don't think he would have understood. It would have made for a good laugh, though._
> 
> _Tonight we all hung out at the house, playing video games and eating pizza. Then... Dan called. Yes,_ that  _Dan. The one who I had grown up with back home and... wouldn't defend me anymore once I finally came out. Although he didn't join the kids in the name calling and the abuse, he stood by and watched it happen. We drifted apart and only just recently reconnected. He called to tell me that he had moved to the town where I lived and would be finishing up his high school at my own._
> 
> _I'm extremely conflicted over this news, because although we kind of made up once we reconnected, he still hasn't apologized for all of the abuse he stood by and watched me take on. He hasn't apologized for being a shitty friend and not even asking if I was okay once I tried to take my own life. I bet he wouldn't have even cared if I had succeeded._
> 
> _It's getting difficult typing this because my hands are shaking - whether because of nerves or anger, I couldn't tell you. But I'm not going to let him hurt me anymore or anyone I care about - especially Michael._
> 
> _I guess we'll see what happens._
> 
> _Cheers._

I looked up from my phone to process what I had just read, anger slowly simmering underneath my morning fatigue. I knew Gavin could handle himself or at least had the capability of doing so, but the thought of anyone hurting him hurt me as well. I felt like I should protect him because although Gavin could be stern when he needed to be, he was still a total softy. I rubbed my eyes and yawned, the lack of sleep calling me back to go inside and lay back down. But I knew I couldn't sleep after I read his post. It just wasn't possible. 

It was at that moment that the door opened and Gavin stepped outside, holding two steaming mugs of coffee in his hand. His hair was messy and his eyes were dimmed with fatigue but he still kept a bright smile on his face. He held one out to me and the smell warmed me up on the inside. "I wasn't sure how you took yours so I just made yours like mine: splash of milk, few teaspoons of sugar, and a touch of vanilla creamer." I took a small sip to avoid burning my tongue and my taste buds savored the comforting taste of the drink. 

"It's perfect Gav, thanks," I said, patting the seat next to me. He smiled softly and sat down, getting comfortable. He took a longer sip than I did, making a satisfying sound once he swallow the hot liquid. "What are you doing up so early?"

"My mind wouldn't shut the hell up last night," he laughed sleepily. "I tossed and turned loads. I'm surprised you didn't hear me." Truth was I did hear him toss and turn, but I was doing the same thing so it wasn't like I could complain. "Anyway, I saw you were already awake and figured I would make you coffee?" It came out as a question because I guess the look on my face while I was listening to him didn't really come off as excited, so he felt like I was ignoring him. Oops. 

"That's very nice of you, Gav. Yeah I was tossing last night too, which is a shame because it's Saturday and I was looking forward to sleeping in. But, you know. A quiet mind can be hard to come by." 

"What was on your mind?" he asked, sipping his mug. I looked at him and shrugged. 

"It was a bunch of things, really. I was thinking about my future, graduating high school, getting a job..."  _You, our kiss, and how much I fucking care about you and how I want more than anything for us to be together._ "Just normal things, I guess. I got sleep, it just was extremely restless, so I'm probably going to be tired as fuck today." He laughed, knowing how it felt to be sleep deprived.

"Cheers," he said, clinking his coffee mug to my own. 

We sat there in silence for a few moments, lightly swinging and enjoying the cool morning air. It was supposed to warm up later, so we were soaking up every bit of the coolness that we could. 

"What was on your mind last night?" I finally asked, draining the last dregs of coffee from the bottom of the mug. He froze, the rim of the mug touching his lips before he looked at me.

"Oh n-nothing," he said, taking a sip. He was lying, I knew, but I wasn't going to call him out on it. "A lot of the same, really. Plus the issue with my family, but just normal things, really." 

"Are you sure? I heard you muttering in your sleep last night too; I couldn't really make out much, just that you kept saying 'Dan' a lot and you sounded really nervous," I said, throwing a hint at him. I was worried that this whole thing with Dan would upset him, but I wanted him to know that he could tell me anything, anything that worried him or anything that I needed to know in order to protect him. His whole face paled for a moment and he looked like he would be sick.

He jumped up suddenly. "More coffee?" he asked, snatching the mug from my hands before hurrying back inside. My mouth gaped open at the quickness of his escape and I sat back and sighed. 

_I just want to help you, Gav._

* * *

 

Monday morning came quickly, too quickly for my liking as I resisted the urge to throw my phone against the wall when the alarm went off. Gavin never mentioned Dan again for the rest of the weekend, not even when we finally said our goodbyes after hanging out Sunday afternoon. I spent almost the entire weekend with my friends, as we spent all of Saturday at my house and some of Sunday at Geoff's. It was nice to hang out with everyone and not be alone, but the whole thing with Dan was still bugging me. I was anxious that he would hurt Gavin again and cause him to do something drastic. It seemed like Gavin was better than he was four years ago. I didn't think he would spiral back down again but... mixing old friends with a new life is sure to stir up old memories. 

I dressed quietly, as my brain was still attempting to boot up for the simple activities I was putting it through. Grabbing an apple and a bottle of milk from the fridge I rushed out the door to Geoff's car when I heard the familiar honk. As soon as I was inside and buckled I asked, "I think something's a bit off with that Dan guy." Geoff eyed me through the mirror and Ray swiveled around in his seat. 

"What makes you say that?" Ray asked, eyebrows raised. I shrugged, taking a bite of my apple. 

"Did you not notice how weird he got when he was talking about him? I asked him about Dan Saturday morning and he completely avoided the topic," I said, uncapping the milk and taking a hefty swig. I noticed Geoff was being awfully quiet. "You noticed it too, didn't you Geoff?"

He sighed. "I didn't want to bring it up because I thought it was just me, but since you noticed it too, yeah I think this Dan character seems really shady." 

"Do you know something we don't?" asked Ray, still looking at me. 

"I do, but I'm not going to share it because it's not my place," I retorted. 

"Fair enough."

"I just feel like we should all look out for Gavin, especially since Dan is starting school today," I added.

"Who the fuck starts their last year of school with three months to go?" asked Geoff. 

"I don't fucking know, dude. Be thankful we only have to deal with him for twelve weeks instead of the whole school year," I scoffed, finishing off my breakfast. We pulled into the parking lot next to where Lindsay was talking to Ryan and Jack. I didn't see Gavin, which worried me.

"Hey guys," said Lindsay, giving me a hug. 

"Hey. Where's Gavin?" I asked Ryan. 

"He had to go meet Dan," he responded hesitantly, nodding his head towards the entrance. Gavin was standing next to a guy with dark hair who was about his height and he seemed to be laughing, although I could tell it wasn't a true Gavin laugh. 

"Please tell me you think there's something shifty about this Dan guy too," I said, eyeing each of his friends carefully. They exchanged a look which confirmed my suspicions. "Look, you don't have to explain exactly why Gavin seems afraid of Dan, but I just want to know that Geoff and I aren't insane."

"They used to be friend way back when, then some stuff happened that I'm not at liberty to disclose," Ryan explained. "They reconnected after Gavin moved to the States and I guess they're just trying to come to terms with their friendship. Yes, I think we should look out for Gav and watch his back, but I'm not going to hover over the guy. My advice is not to worry unless you have a reason." I was looking at Gavin while Ryan was explaining all of this and he caught my eye, waving his hand in that direction. 

"He wants us to come over there and meet him," I told the others, shifting my backpack more comfortably. We began walking toward his direction, my protective instinct on high alert as we neared the two. Once we were in earshot I could hear what Gavin was saying. 

"Wait until you meet my friends, they're totally top," he said excitedly. I rolled my eyes and grinned at the lovable Brit, my heart doing flips of joy at the word 'friend.' We stopped near him and I was able to size up this Dan character. He had a handsome face and rugged features, nothing extremely special. There was something in his eyes that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but I didn't really like it. "Dan Gruchy, this is Michael Jones, Lindsay Tuggey, Ray Narvaez Jr., Geoff Ramsey, Jack Pattillo, and Ryan Haywood."

"Sup."

"Nice to meet you!"

"Hey man."

"Hey."

Jack simply waved in lieu of a verbal greeting. 

Ryan stuck out his hand, leveling with the newcomer. I recognized that look. Ryan was sizing him up, trying to use a little of his intimidation factor to silently warn him that should he ever mess with any of us he will live to regret it. "Welcome to America," he said finally, letting go of his hand. 

Dan grimaced, shaking his around. "Cheers, mate. It's great to be here with Gavin again. I've missed his big nose, and Skype calls just aren't the same." We all laughed, Gavin somewhat nervously. The bell decided to ring just then and we all said our goodbyes as we walked to our classes. I let Dan and Gavin walk a little ways down the hall before I stood back, watching the him help Dan with his locker. They didn't seem to notice I was there. 

"So how do you like them?" Gavin asked as Dan fumbled with the lock. 

"They seem alright," he responded, finally popping it open. "The one with the glasses and the beanie... uh... Michael, he's the one you, you know...?"

"The one I like?" Gavin finished, his voice taking on an edge. 

"Yeah, that."

"Yes, that's him," he said, crossing his arms. 

"I don't see why you just don't go for that red head. She's  _hot_ ," he said, a sly edge to his words. I grit my teeth listening to the whole exchange. Who the fuck does he think he is, talking about my friends - and  _me -_ like that?

"That's Lindsay and I don't like her that way," Gavin responded tiredly, as though he had this conversation with Dan a million times. 

"You still like girls, right? What's your deal, man?" 

Gavin ran a hand through his hair, pulling at it slightly. He only did that when he was frustrated. I could feel his frustration all the way over here. "I like guys more!" he shouted, raising his voice. "I don't know why you can't just understand that, Dan. We've had this talk so many times and every single time you ask the same questions. What's it going to take to get through your fucking thick skull?"

Damn, when Gavin was angry... man, he was  _angry._

Dan slammed his locker shut and faced Gavin. I couldn't see his face but I could tell from the look on Gavin's that it wasn't very pretty. "It's not natural," he finally said, walking away from Gavin. 

"Where are you going?"

"I'll find my classes on my own. See you at lunch." I watched Gavin follow Dan with his eyes until he disappeared around the corner and then slide down the wall to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knees. I wanted to badly to go comfort the Brit, the pain in his eyes causing me to long for his embrace. I wanted to punch Dan in his face while kissing Gavin's hurt away, but I knew I couldn't. He couldn't know that I eavesdropped on him.

So I did the only other thing I could. I walked away from the man I loved and went to class. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a slight mention of homophobia and a homophobic slur, as well as references to suicide. So TWs for anyone that needs them. It's a shorter chapter, but I'll probably post another one tomorrow, so be on the look out. :)

It was difficult to focus all morning, as my mind kept drifting to the exchange between Dan and Gavin. It took all I had not to run after the fucker and punch him in his face for insulting Gavin that way, but he was fragile, and that may have just sent him over the edge. I took very few notes, choosing instead to draw unimportant things in the margins, even as the teacher explained how it was possible to divide by zero. As fascinating as that probably was, I too worried about a big-nosed Brit to give two fucks. 

Lunch came after a long morning and I all but ran to the cafeteria, scanning our usual table. Geoff and Ray walked behind me, Ray placing a hand on my shoulder. "What's up?"

"I was just looking for Gavin," I responded, my eyes finally locating him at his usual spot with Jack and Ryan by his side. He looked down, probably from the conversation this morning, and all I wanted to do was run over and hug him. "He looks - off." 

"Yeah, Jack told me that Gavin seemed really bummed when he finally got to class," Geoff agreed, pulling us over to the food line. We got our trays and began to walk to our normal table when I made a small detour. I set my tray down across from Gavin and sat, shaking my carton of milk and giving him a soft smile. Ryan raised an eyebrow at me.

"What? We're all friends, right? It just makes sense that we all sit together now," I said, opening the carton. Gavin's face lit up slightly when I arrived, bringing a hint of that smile that I enjoyed to his face. Geoff and Ray joined a few moments later, followed by Lindsay. 

"Is Dan adjusting to his classes?" she asked Gavin, pushing around her spaghetti with a fork. He shrugged, the gloomy look returning. 

"I dunno; we only had one class together and we didn't even sit by each other. He was kind of quiet but he didn't seem to be having any problems," he responded, spearing a couple of green beans and popping them in his mouth. "He's over there, talking to Kerry, Miles, and Arryn." We turned in the direction he pointed and saw him laughing with the three, Miles making some wild hand gestures as he told a story. Dan seemed to be amused with his stories but he turned away from Miles and I saw him roll his eyes. My blood boiled slightly as I violently stabbed my tray, breaking my fork in the process. 

"Really? Again?" asked Ray, laughing. I looked down and saw the white pieces of plastic mixed in with my food and huffed. 

"God damnit," I cursed, picking them out and setting them in the empty spot on my tray.

"What the hell was that about?" asked Jack, eyebrows raised. I shrugged. 

"Just thought about something from a few days ago and it brought up some underlying frustration," I lied. "I'm fine; I gotta go get another fork. Do you guys need anything?" At that moment Gavin bumped his tray and caused his bottle of water to fall over, soaking everything in its place. He looked sheepishly at me and I grinned. "Napkins. Got it." I took a short route to the front of the room, having to pass by Dan to get there. I walked behind him, keeping my distance as I tried to overhear their conversation. 

"So you're Gavin's friend?" asked Arryn. 

"Yeah... you could say that," Dan said hesitantly. I narrowed my eyes, causing a random student to shrink into their friend at a nearby table, even though I wasn't glaring at  _them._ Oops. 

"But you guys grew up together, right?"

"Yeah, then some stuff happened and we quit being friends. I decided to get back in touch with him when I found out I was moving to the States because it was better to know at least one person than to not know anybody." I froze in my tracks a few feet away, stunned. 

"So..." Kerry paused. "You're only pretending to be his friend?"

"I wouldn't exactly say 'pretending.' That makes me sound like a bad person. I'm just trying to get my feet on the ground, establish my own connections. He's always been good at making friends and I haven't, so I figured reconnecting with him would be a great way to meet people." 

"But do you plan to keep him as a friend? Or are you just going to drop him? Because that's fucking rude, man," Miles commented, an edge to his words. I turned around slightly to get a visual on the group. Kerry caught my eye but I held a finger to my lips in a 'shh' motion. He nodded. 

Dan's arms were crossed and he kept looking anywhere but the three, almost as though he were anxious to get away. "Look there are some things about Gavin that I just don't agree with, so as to whether we're going to stay friends... I wouldn't count on it," he said, a smug air to his tone.  _That bastard._

Arryn gasped. "How can you even live with yourself? You just got here and already you're going to hurt somebody?" 

Dan scoffed, causing me to curl my hands into fists. "Gavin can take care of himself; he's got plenty of friends. What's one less? Besides, it's not exactly a loss for me, seeing as I don't agree with the fact that he's g-" 

He didn't get a chance to let the words escape his lips because it was at that moment that I tackled him to the ground, punching his nose and struggling with him on the floor. We rolled around for a bit and Dan tried to shove me off, scratching at my face and pulling at my hair in the process. 

"Wow Dan," I grunted as we shifted some more, "you fight like a girl." He narrowed his eyes at me and pulled his arm back, curling it up to ready it for an attempt to punch me in the face. He didn't get that far, as both of us were being pulled apart. Ryan had his arms around me, locking me in place, while Jack and Geoff had Dan. "I was about to beat his pretty little face in, Ryan. Just let me have a few more whacks at him and I'll feel better." Ryan sputtered a bit like he was trying not to laugh and the teacher on cafeteria duty came over, fuming at Dan and me. 

"Office. Now. Both of you," she snapped, pointing to the door. Ryan, Jack, and Geoff walked us to the office to make sure we didn't have another go at each other in the hallway. We sat outside on a bench, separated by the three bodyguards. 

"I don't even know what I did to deserve you hitting me," Dan snapped, nursing an ice pack on his nose. I grinned triumphantly at the sight. 

"You're a fucking homophobe who almost told Gavin's secret to Miles, Kerry, and Arryn," I half-shouted, struggling to look Dan in the face. "I don't know why the hell you decided to come here if you were just going to be an asshole to him while he was nothing but kind to you. I will not sit here and let you upset him anymore; I sure as hell won't let you cause him to revert back to harming himself because if he does and it's because of you, next time I won't hesitate to put you in the god damn hospital." Dan's eyes widened, a layer of fear finally showing through. Good.

"Gruchy. Jones. Get in here," shouted Principal Burns. I stood up and walked inside, Dan on my heels. We sat in the chairs situated in front of his desk and he stared at us for a moment before taking off his glassed and sighing, running a hand over his obviously tired face. "Okay. What the hell happened?" 

"Okay well I was just..."

"All I was doing..."

He held up his hands. "Stop, stop. Okay, Jones. You first."

I took a deep breath. "I was walking to the front of the cafeteria to grab napkins because Gavin spilled his water and I overheard this asshole - I mean this guy saying some really awful things about him, and he almost told the people he was talking to something about Gavin that he wasn't at liberty to discuss. So I tackled him and punched him in the nose," I said matter-of-factly. Principal Burns raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. I wasn't about to lie to the man, especially when he held my fate in his hands. Fighting could be grounds for suspension, and I didn't want that to happen, especially not when I was this close to graduating. 

Dan smiled smugly at me before turning on the innocent act for Principal Burns. "Mr. Burns, I didn't know that Gavin hadn't told anyone this particular secret. I mean, I thought everyone knew. I just moved here, you see, so I wasn't aware. And Michael is telling you lies; why would I say awful things about Gavin? We're bloody  _friends._ Have been for years. It makes no sense at all for me to call him names or say anything less than friendly about him. I was in the process of meeting new people when he attacked me. He almost broke my  _nose,_ " he said, removing the ice pack. I secretly laughed to myself at how large his nose had gotten.

"Now you and Gavin are twins," I joked, laughing before shutting up at the look Mr. Burns gave me. The corner of his mouth twitched, like he was trying not to smile at my joke, but he was all business. 

"Who threw the first punch?" 

"I did," I admitted. 

"You know that fighting is against the rules, Michael," he said sternly, leaning back in his chair. "Now I was able to let you off with a warning last year about it, because it was your first time ever being in trouble. But I can't do that this time. If you can tell me what it was that was so awful that Mr. Gruchy said, I'll only give you a week's worth of detention after school. If you can't, it has to be two." 

I hesitated, feeling Dan smirk in the seat next to me. He knew that I wasn't going to say anything. He knew I wasn't stupid enough; even Gavin didn't know that I knew about him. I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.  _Fuck._

"Mr. Burns, for personal reasons, I can't disclose what Dan said about Gavin. It's not that I don't want to, but I promised that I wouldn't, so I'll accept the two weeks of detention," I finally said, feeling defeated. 

"Are you sure, Michael?" I nodded. "Very well, then. Starting today you'll have detention in room 206 with Ms. Ward. Don't be late. You two may leave." We got up and walked out the door, finding that Ryan, Jack, and Geoff had left us, presumably to head to class. 

"That was very honorable of you," Dan commented to my back as I was walking away. I stopped and turned around, sending a look of hatred toward him. He was smiling a shit-eating grin. "So tell me, Michael, does Gavin know that you know he's a fag?" I gritted my teeth and resisted the urge to punch him again. "I'm going to take that as a 'no.' Okay, very well then." He walked toward me and stopped a few inches in front of my face. I felt my face heat up as I turned red with bottled up anger.  _A little closer, you fuck, and I'm going to give you a black eye._

"How can you even live with yourself, pretending to be his friend?" I asked through gritted teeth. "You're probably the one who drove him to his suicide attempt, aren't you, you fucker?" The smile vanished and was replaced with a look of anger similar to my own. 

"I didn't tell the stupid fuck to go kill himself, although he probably would have done everyone a favor if he had. So don't you blame this on me. In fact, if you ever, and I mean  _ever,_ hit me again or even touch me without my permission, I will tell the entire school the truth about Gavin - and  _you,_ Mikey boy - and then tell him that _you_ were the one who told everybody. He'll never talk to you again, and wouldn't that just be a  _bloody shame,_ " he laughed cruelly. "I'll ruin both of your chances at a happily ever after; don't think I won't. Think about that the next time you feel like punching me." He smacked me twice on the face, a victory smack of some kind, and disappeared around the corner. 

I stood there, stunned.  _He wouldn't dare._

_...would he?_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One word: ANGST. Also there's a bit of homophobic reference in this chapter. So just be aware.
> 
> Oh and please don't hate me. ;n;  
> You'll see.  
> xo

_Gavin's POV;_

I felt like it was partially my fault that Michael got into that fight with Dan. I mean, I knew that he wasn't exactly fond of him when I first told him what he was like and how we used to be best friends and all, but I should have known better to keep the two apart. As soon as I saw Michael's fist fly towards Dan's nose I felt guilty. I could have gotten up to get the stupid napkins when I spilled my water; I could have avoided the fight if I had gotten up instead of Michael, but no. I sat there and grinned like an idiot while he got them for me. 

I rammed my head over and over again on the table after Michael and Dan were escorted from the cafeteria. I felt my forehead begin to swell profusely and the pain became throbbing, but I didn't care. Michael was going to get in trouble and it was all because of me. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Gavin, look at me," Lindsay commanded, pulling my shoulders until I was facing her. She gasped at what I was sure was a giant welt on my forehead and placed her cold bottle of water to it, bringing relief for a few moments. "You are not stupid. Don't ever think that. It's not your fault that Michael got into that fight; I'm sure he had a good reason for it, you know? He may have a temper but he has it under control." I wanted to roll my eyes but the pain was too much. 

"The only thing Michael and Dan have in common is me, Lindsay; I highly doubt they were fighting over anything else," I grumbled, laying my head (gently this time) on the table. She rubbed my back gently and asked if I wanted to go to the nurse, to which I managed a small "yes please" before standing up and leaning on her as she guided me that way. I heard whispers as we passed by tables concerning Michael and Dan, but thankfully none of them mentioned my name. 

We made our way down a couple of hallways until we got to the one with the nurse's office. Lindsay walked me inside and I startled a bit; Dan was sitting in a chair nursing an ice pack to his nose, courtesy of Michael, no doubt. He looked livid but brightened up slightly when I walked in, Lindsay in tow. She sat me down next to him and sat next to me, waiting with me while the nurse finished fussing over Dan. 

"Alright Mr. Gruchy; you're lucky your nose wasn't broken or I would have to send you to the hospital," she tutted, giving him ibuprofen and a cup of water to help with the swelling probably. "You're in your final few months of high school and you get into a fight; back in my day fights never happened because we were disciplined." Lindsay covered a giggle beside me with a cough and Dan merely rolled his eyes at the woman.

"It wasn't my fault that I got into a fight, ma'am," he replied, downing the pills. She tsked ask she finished up with his nose. 

"It's never anyone's fault, is it? Alright, I've done all I can for you, sir. The swelling should go down in a few days; just take some ibuprofen for the pain and try not to get in the way of a flying fist next time." She meant that last part to come off as joking but Dan just scowled at her. "Can't take a joke, I see. Hmm. Well, you may leave."

"Actually I'm going to wait for Gavin here; we've got next period together, you see," he said, throwing an arm around my shoulder. I was confused; we didn't have any classes together after lunch. 

"But-" He squeezed me tighter as the nurse disappeared into her office to gather up something for my forehead. 

"Shut the hell up and let me wait for you," he hissed quietly in my ear. "We've got some things to discuss." I gulped and nodded, eyeballing Lindsay who gave us a confused look. The nurse returned with more pills and water, as well as an ice pack. 

"What exactly happened to you, Mr. Free?" she asked with a lot less intensity. She and I got acquainted since I first moved here; I was always clumsy, running into something for falling down stairs. I visited her a lot the first few months of my time here. I shrugged.

"Oh, you know me; always running into things," I grinned, shrinking back from the coldness of the ice as she held it in place. Her eyebrow raised.

"Exactly how many times did you run into these 'things'?" she inquired, handing me the water and pills. I downed them in one gulp, stalling. 

"He was in a hurry to get to class and people kept making him bump into walls; you know how crowded the halls can be," Lindsay said suddenly, squeezing my arm to let me know she had my back. 

"Hmm yes. I do remember how crowded this place can get," the nurse finally said, handing me the ice pack. "Try and steer clear of any hard objects for a while, Gavin. Keep that ice pack on there and take pills for the pain. The bump should go down fully in a couple of days. If you have any more issues, well, you know where to find me," she laughed, patting me on the shoulder. I chuckled nervously, glancing over at Dan. He was staring at me while nursing his nose, giving me a look I couldn't quite place. 

"Let's get to class, Gav," Dan said, jumping up and dragging me with him. I said a quick thanks to the nurse before leaving, Lindsay quick on my heels. 

"What's the rush, Dan? You and I both know we don't have anymore classes together." He narrowed his eyes at me before shooting a look at Lindsay.

"Alright, red, we've got some things to discuss, so you can leave now," he said rudely, making a 'shoo' motion with his hands. Lindsay just gaped at him, crossing her arms and planting her feet. 

"Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you are?" she snapped, moving closer to me. "First of all, I have a name. Second of all, if you speak to me like that again you won't have to wait for Michael to break your nose; I'll do it for him." I jumped in front of my friends, hands on both of their chests. 

"Guys, stop. Please don't fight." I turned to Lindsay, her face almost as red as her hair. "Linds, please, just go to class; I'll be there in a couple of minutes okay? Save me a spot." I smiled at her to let her know I would be alright and she huffed, pulling me in for a quick hug before turning on her heel and walking down the hall, out of sight. I swiveled around to meet Dan's smirk, glaring at him. "Did you really have to be so fucking rude to her? You  _just_ met her, dude." He shrugged.

"I don't care about her. What I do care about is  _you._ Why do you like that guy so much when he's obviously violent?" he asked, his eyes pleading with me to understand where he was coming from. "I didn't do a damn thing to provoke him; he just came at me for no reason. Look what he did to my face." He pulled away his ice pack and I was torn between grimacing and laughing at how large his nose had become. "I'm your friend, Gav. You've known me almost your whole life; you've barely known this guy for two years. What's to say that he won't turn on you one day? That he won't get angry and throw a couple of punches? I'm looking out for your well-being, man."

I shook my head, trying to process everything he's said. "You don't know Michael like I do; he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Yeah, he may have a slight temper, but I don't think he would punch anybody unless he had a good reason for it." _Right?_

"Listen to you; you're obviously blind to what's right in front of you. Look, is Michael even gay? Or bi?" he asked. I paused, thinking. 

"Well... he's never told me..."

"Exactly; so how do you even know your advances on this guy are going to play out? How do you know that he's not just using you for your popularity? You told me yourself that he didn't have many friends before I came; that once you guys started hanging out he attracted some of your group of friends." He pulled me closer, looking around before lowering his voice to a whisper. "I didn't want to tell you this, because I didn't think Michael was that bad of a guy at first. But now that I see what he's capable of, I figured you should know. Michael knows that you like guys, and I'm pretty sure he would use that as blackmail if he ever got the chance." 

The blood in my veins felt like ice. 

"W-what, no he wouldn't- you're lying," I said angrily, pushing away from him. He raised his arm, the other holding the ice pack. 

"Believe what you want; don't say I didn't warn you when he turns on you Gav," he said, walking away from me and out of sight. 

I stood there for a few moments, unable to think of anything but Michael. 

_Would he really just... turn on me? After all we've been through?_

* * *

_Michael's POV;_

I walked into English class sulking, thinking of the detention I was having to endure after school instead of being able to go home and get on my Xbox; but I was willing to suffer through it for Gavin. He was worth it. I would rather suffer through months of detention than to betray my best friend. I walked to my seat and noticed the Brit already there. Our eyes met and I raised my hand to wave to him when he lowered his eyes to his desk. My smile vanished and my arm lowered, confusion clouding my brain. I sat down and turned around to talk to Geoff.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked quietly. He shrugged, a worried look in his eyes.

"He was like that when I walked in here; wouldn't talk to me, no matter how hard I tried. I wonder if he and Dan got into it," he said, nodding towards the Brit. I turned around and tapped him on the shoulder. No response. 

"Gavin, what's wrong?" I asked quietly. Nothing. I shook his shoulder. "Gavin. Why are you ignoring me? Are you upset that I hit Dan? I did it for a good reason, okay; I don't know what that prick's told you but I didn't hit him just because I got a craving to punch some guy in the face." Still nothing. Not even a chuckle to let me know he was listening to me. I sighed. 

The teacher walked in just then to begin class so I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote Gavin a note.

> _Gavin, what did I do wrong?_

I pushed it underneath his arm and onto his desk, turning my attention to the board where the teacher was writing down different terms and definitions. I copied them down while waiting for Gavin's reply. 

> **_Why have you been lying to me this whole time? How long have you known that I'm bi-sexual?_ **

I stared at the words, at how angrily they had been scribbled onto the sheet of paper, and my heart throbbed painfully because Gavin was sitting right in front of me in obvious emotional pain and it was my fault, even though I had a sneaking suspicion that Dan was behind this as well. 

> _What the fuck did Dan say to you?_
> 
> **_So you admit it. You knew I was bi-sexual. God, Michael, and here I thought I could trust you. How long have you fucking known??_ **
> 
> _I found out by accident; I subscribe to your blog and videos and you posted a blog that was only supposed to be meant for your eyes and somehow I wasn't included when you blocked it from everyone else._
> 
> **_So you've know this whole time and never said anything? Why, so you could make me look like a fool when the time was right?_ **
> 
> _No, no, Gavin, god no. You're my best friend, I would never do anything to hurt you! Dan is putting all of these stupid thoughts into your head, isn't he? You can't let him manipulate you, Gav._
> 
> **_The only one that's been manipulating me is_ you  _Michael. At least Dan has been honest with me; when were you going to tell me that you knew? When it would make me look like a bloody fool in front of the entire school? Prom, maybe?_  
> **
> 
> _Why the hell would I tell the whole school about that, when you clearly don't want it getting around? I respect that, Gavin; I would never tell your secrets. Ever. We may not have been friends as long as you and Dan have, but I've been a hell of a lot better friend to you than he has._
> 
> **_Friends go through rough spots; Dan and I are over ours now._ **
> 
> _Then why doesn't he approve of you liking guys, Gavin? He's so obviously a homophobe; how can you stand to be friends with him?_
> 
> **_You wouldn't understand what I'm going through, Michael. Dan does._ **

I paused, pen hovering over the paper.  _Should I tell him?_

> _Believe me, Gavin; I know exactly what you're going through._
> 
> **_Oh really. How?_ **
> 
> _You just have to trust me. I can't... I can't tell you right now how I know. I just need you to trust me._
> 
> **_Right, like I can trust you now._ **
> 
> _God damn it, Gavin. You know, the whole point of us being friends is that we trust each other. THE REASON I GOT IN THAT FIGHT WAS BECAUSE OF YOU, ASSHOLE. I HIT DAN BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO TELL MILES, KERRY, AND ARRYN THAT YOU LIKED GUYS AND I KNEW YOU WEREN'T READY FOR THAT TO GET OUT SO I DID THE ONLY THING I COULD DO TO STOP HIM._

Gavin had the paper for a few minutes while I sat there, hands shaking, waiting for a reply. Class was almost over, and I was hoping we could resolve this through notes but it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen.

> _**Dan would never do that. I can't believe you're continuing to lie to me. And here I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong.** _

The bell rang then, causing everyone to gather their things and sprint out the door to catch the bus or to get to their vehicle before the parking lot got too crazy. I sat there, my heart breaking into a million pieces as Gavin calmly gathered his backpack and left without even a glance in my direction. I caught a glance of dark hair and heard a 'let's get out of here, mate' and knew Gavin left with Dan. Geoff stopped next to my desk and placed a hand on my shoulder. 

"What happened?" he asked softly. I felt a tear run down my cheek as I tried to fight the sob in my throat. 

"Dan happened," I whispered, before collapsing against my friend.

* * *

 

I cried the whole way home, grateful to have the back of Geoff's car to myself so I could lay down. I've never felt this much emotional pain before and it was pretty damn startling. I've broken bones and stubbed toes but none of that pain compared to what I was feeling now. It would have been so easy to tell Gavin the truth, that I've liked guys for a while and that I was crushing so damn hard on his idiot self; that I would do anything to see his face light up and hear him say my name in that cheeky way of his that I loved so much. I would punch a million guys like Dan if it meant keeping him safe and happy. 

"I fucked up," I groaned through my tears. Ray turned around and looked sympathetically at me, reaching an arm around to pat my knee. "Why couldn't I have just gotten the balls to tell Gavin I liked him? Why didn't I tell him I knew about him when we started becoming friends?"

"You didn't know that asshole Dan would come into the picture and basically tear you two apart, man," Ray said. "You wanted to get closer to Gavin before you finally told him and dickhead just sped up the process. It's not your fault, Michael."

"I just got him to talk to me again after we got over the whole kiss thing and now we're back to not speaking. That's got to be some kind of fucking record."

We pulled into my driveway and Geoff put the car into park. I swung open the door and got out, rubbing my eyes with my shirt sleeve. When we got inside the house I laid on the couch and said nothing, listening as my friends quietly rummaged through my fridge for something to drink. I felt someone sit beside me and saw that it was Ray. I scooted up slightly and placed my head in his lap. He ran a hand through my hair as I began to cry once more, my eyes stinging from the amount I've cried. 

"We're going to fix this, Michael. Even if it means sending Dan away in a body bag," Geoff remarked, a sinister tone to his words. I tried to laugh but nothing came out. I pulled out my phone and checked for any new messages from Gavin. Of course there were none. 

"It doesn't matter anymore, guys. I don't think I can get him back a second time," I mumbled, defeated. Ray handed me a kleenex and I wiped at my eyes; it was no use, it seemed as though I had an endless supply of tears. 

"You don't know that," Ray responded softly, his hand tugging its way through my curls. 

"It was stupid of me to even like him in the first place; you guys were right. I should have quit while I had the chance." 

"Since when have we ever been right about anything?" Geoff quietly joked, sitting on the table in front of me. I managed a small smile before it quickly vanished, but I said nothing. I closed my eyes and slowly drifted into a mournful sleep with Ray still running his hand through my hair.

_Graduation can't get here fast enough._

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be wary of trigger warnings for depression, suicide, and self harm, as this chapter is pretty sad until the end. 
> 
> Songs I listened to while writing this: I Do Love by Wyke van Weelden; I Don't Feel It Anymore by William Fitzsimmons

I thought being a senior in high school was supposed to be the best year; the year where all I had to worry about was what college I was getting into and if I had enough credits to graduate. Senior year was supposed to be carefree and fun and the year where you relaxed from all the bullshit stress that was piled on to you since day one of freshman year. I didn't think I would find myself, with a couple of months left until graduation, shutting out people who I had started becoming close to and spending my free time alone in my room, in the dark, crying quietly into my pillow while I thought about what a fucking mess my life was.

So this is what depression felt like. It felt like I was falling into a black hole with no end in sight. I felt hopeless and rejected and unloved, thinking I deserved to be alone and didn't deserve the friends I had. I didn't get any joy out of playing video games, even when Ray and Geoff would come over and try to coerce me into playing something. Over the course of a few weeks Gavin would update his blog and his YouTube channel but my heart didn't skip a beat each time I saw the notifications. Any thoughts I had of the Brit were quickly replaced with negative thoughts about myself. It was all I had to not find a harmful outlet to relieve all of my inner pain; to feel something once again. I was numb to most everything; even going to class felt like an out of body experience. 

I was laying in my room one evening, ignoring my mom's calls that dinner was ready. I hadn't felt hungry in quite a few days, eating only what I needed to in order to take the edge off my aching stomach. I wasn't starving myself or depriving myself of what I needed to live; I just wasn't hungry. I heard a knock on my door but didn't say anything, staring at the fading light through the blinds covering my window. I was exhausted but sleeping only caused me more and more pain because I would see his face in the dark and remember his words, how Dan manipulated him into just absolutely hating my guts, and I would wake up sobbing, unable to sleep anymore. 

"Michael? Honey?" my mom said softly, entering my room. The light from the hallway cast her shadow on my wall but I didn't move, not wanting her to see me cry. She moved quietly to my side of the bed, sitting down on the edge. "Michael, talk to me. You've barely eaten these past couple of weeks and you always go straight to your room when you come home from school. I never see your friends either, sweetheart. What happened?" I lifted my eyes to her face and saw just how tired she was, worry lining every wrinkle in her face. She wasn't very old, only nearing forty, but somehow the worry made her seem years older. 

I raised up, a task that hurt because I had been laying in the same spot for so long and I was just tired and worn out from crying, and looked her in the eyes. "I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to be loved, mom," I finally managed, a sob escaping my throat. Her eyes widened with panic as she scooped me into her chest, wrapping me in a loving hug.

"No no, Michael, baby, no. You are absolutely  _not_ a terrible person and you deserve to be so, so loved," she murmured into my ear, rubbing my back and rocking me slightly. 

"You don't u-understand," I sobbed, "G-Gavin hates m-my g-guts and it's m-my fault because I-I didn't t-tell him that I k-knew he was bi-s-sexual and his f-f-friend Dan manipulated him i-into turning against m-me and I l-love him!" I hadn't said it out loud before for fear of jinxing myself, but god damn it, I loved Gavin. As we got closer and closer my feelings grew so much stronger towards him. I know I thought I was in love before, but I was wrong. I was in love with a mirage of Gavin, of someone I had only really admired from afar and hadn't really talked to. Getting to know him, getting to actually talk to him and get a feel for his personality, well, I fell in love all over again; but this time it was genuine. 

"Slow down, baby. Tell me everything." And so I did.

* * *

 

Getting everything off my chest relieved some of the pain, but it unfortunately didn't mend my broken heart. It was good to sit there and cry and have my mom cry with me. We laid on my bed for a good hour as she let me cry and tell her what happened. I fell asleep soon after I was finished, because the exhaustion coupled with the tears made me unable to stay awake any longer. I don't remember exactly when I fell asleep in my mom's arms, but I woke up to a pitch black room what seemed like hours later. 

The exhaustion was still present but the sleep helped a little. I felt around for my phone and saw that it was three in the morning; I rubbed my tired eyes and felt my way to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror I was shocked at my own appearance; I was thinner, dark circles pronounced underneath my eyes. My hair was limp and my brown eyes were dull. I was pale, oh so pale, and the only adjective to describe the expression on my face was sadness.  _Look at what this has done to me. I'm surprised mom can even recognize her own son. God knows what I look like to other people._

Only Ray and Geoff continued to persistently talk to me now, ever since I shut everyone else out. No one really got angry at me, demanding an explanation like I thought they would; they could tell a couple of days after Gavin pretty much told me to 'fuck off' that I had just shut down, that the Michael Jones they had gotten to know was gone, replaced with this zombie-like version of him. Lindsay continued to send me messages of encouragement, even coming over to my house every couple of days to check on me. I never said more than two words to her, but she didn't complain. She would update me on the social aspects of school that I tuned out now, including regular Gavin and Dan updates, much to my dismay.

Gavin was back to being his old, asshole self with Dan as his right-hand man. He left Lindsay and the others alone, but every other student at school was in the path of hurricane Gavin if they didn't quickly jump out of the way. He was dating Barbara now, according to Lindsay. Everyone thought they were a math made in heaven, being that they were a pleasing couple to look at. That piece of information broke my heart into even smaller pieces. 

He didn't sit in front of me in English anymore, having switched seats with some girl on the other side of the room; I had seen her around school and knew she was nice, since she spoke to me after they switched and genuinely asked if I was okay. When I shrugged and gave no verbal reply she just shot me a worried look and told me she was available if I needed help with anything, giving my arm a quick squeeze before she faced the board. Even that small gesture of kindness did nothing to ease the pain. 

The only reason I wasn't failing my classes was Geoff, Ray, and Lindsay. They would come over and sit down and make me do my homework so I wouldn't lose credits with just weeks left until we graduated. It started after school when I was done with my detentions and then progressed when they saw my depression was taking an even bigger toll on me than they thought. They would stay to make sure I at least ate a little of what my mom fixed for dinner, and I only ate small bites to appease them, even when my stomach was trying to reject the food. I was too sad to eat, even when she fixed my favorite food: spaghetti. 

One night, about a month after the incident with Gavin, when I was picking at my food my mom slammed her fork down and took off her glasses, rubbing her face with her hands. "Mikey, maybe we should take you to the doctor and put you on anti-depressants," she said, looking worriedly at me. I looked up from my food at her and saw that she was close to tears. 

"I'm scared of what this is doing to you, Michael," Geoff said next to me. I said nothing, looking back down at my plate. "God damn it, I don't want to get a phone call from your mother telling me she found you hanging somewhere in your room or that you cut your wrists in the tub. I don't want to lose my best friend." He said those last words quietly and I realized he was holding back tears himself.

"I know why you're letting all of this affect you so much, man, but you have to believe me when I tell you that Gavin, the piece of shit that he is, is  _not_ worth you getting depressed over," Ray added. "I know that it's difficult for you right now. I know that it's difficult for you to control your feelings for him and that the reason your depression is so bad is that you love him. But by being as upset as you are, by acting the way you are right now, you're showing him and Dan that they got to you."

"What else can I do, Ray?" I shouted, startling everyone at the table. "I'm a broken hearted idiot who got my hopes up that a guy I've liked for two fucking years would miraculously like me back and then his fucking 'friend' from back home who is nothing but a piece of shit to him somehow convinces him that  _I'm_ the bad guy, that I was keeping his sexuality a secret to somehow blackmail him in the future, when he knows god damn well that I love Gavin and would never do a damn thing to hurt him. I don't know why Dan hates me so much but it doesn't even matter because the only one I care about is Gavin and he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm there anymore. So unless you've got some magic wand to wave over my broken heart and fix me, Ray,  _I can't do a god damn thing but be depressed_ ," I finished, shoving back from the table and storming outside, running as quick as I could in a direction with an unknown destination. 

I somehow managed to find my way to the park, the sun setting just ahead of me, painting the sky with purples and reds. There were a few teenagers still hanging around, mostly around the benches and by trees, some playing soccer in the neighboring field. I walked to one of the swingsets and sat down, placing my head in my hands. _Why can't I just get over Gavin already? He's ruining my happiness and I'm letting him because I stupidly love him so god damn much._

My eyes stung as a couple of tears slipped down my cheeks but I didn't care if I was crying openly in front of strangers. I was depressed and heart-broken and I just needed to be alone with my thoughts for a while. I didn't feel sane anymore, really. It felt like the whole world was on my shoulders but I was empty, numb to everything around me. I wasn't immune to pain; it just didn't hurt enough in comparison to what I was feeling currently. 

The swingset moved a little and I looked to my left. It was the girl from English class. She gave me a hesitant smile as she started lightly swinging, closing her eyes as a light breeze washed over her face from the movements. We didn't say anything for a while, both of us just swinging slightly even as the sun set and the streelights came on. I was still hurting, unable to even smile at the girl because it felt like the most difficult thing in the world to do. As the cicadas came out of their slumber and began singing to us in the night she finally opened her mouth and said, "Are you okay, Michael?"

I looked at her with obvious bloodshot eyes and paused, finally shaking my head. She frowned, her eyes becoming sad as she looked into my own. I cleared my throat in an attempt to steer the conversation away from the direction it was obviously headed. "What's your name?" 

"Tina." 

"Nice to meet you, Tina."

She smiled, getting up from the swings and moving toward a large tree. She sat down against it and angled herself so she could look up at the sky. I joined her after a few moments, mimicking her position. "Why are you out here this late at night?" I inquired, staring at the stars. I always told myself if I saw a shooting star I would wish for Gavin; that wasn't the case anymore. 

"I live a few houses away and I suffer from insomnia," she explained. "Instead of cooping myself up in my room at night, I take walks; walks that usually find me in this park until really late - or really early, depending on how you look at it."

"Do your parents not worry?" She shrugged, her face darkening slightly.

"My dad left when I was eight; my mom works late and falls straight into bed when she gets home. It's a miracle she even remembers I'm still around." The bitterness in her tone surprised me, but the depressed monster inside me purred with delight. It felt Tina was someone who knew exactly how I was feeling, albeit a bit differently. 

"Both of mine are still around; they care about me, sometimes a bit too much," I said guiltily, knowing she didn't have that luxury. 

"You're lucky. Don't take them for granted, your friends either. I know that you're having a rough time. I don't know why, and I don't want you to tell me unless you're absolutely comfortable with it. But I've seen how you've kind of isolated yourself at school, and it's making me sad that  _you_ are sad. Second hand depression is terrible," she joked weakly, trying to make me smile. It failed.

"If you think that's bad, you should feel it first hand," I muttered bitterly, staring at the ground. 

"I didn't mean..."

"Don't worry about it; it's fine." I noticed her worried expression and knocked her shoulder with my own. "Really, Tina. It's fine. You didn't upset me."

"So does your depression have to do with a certain large nosed British guy?" she asked after a moment of silence. I shot her a look of surprise. "What? I hear things."

I sighed. "Yeah. Yeah it does."

"I just noticed that you were happy when you guys were hanging out and then when you stopped you became this sad version of yourself, so I thought it might have something to do with Gavin."

"You're more perceptive than a lot of people, Tina."

"I try," she laughed, scooting closer to me. In any other situation, in an alternate universe, this may have seemed romantic; but being who I was and how I was feeling, I was just grateful that Tina was there. I hadn't talked much to my best friends since I became depressed, but talking to Tina seemed to be as easy as breathing. "You don't have to tell me all the details, Michael. They're not necessary for me to understand why you're hurting. Gavin wronged you and turned the blame on you, right?"

I shook my head. "Dan. Dan is the cause of all of this pain I'm going through. He's the reason Gavin turned against me. Gavin's at fault for believing Dan, but it's originally Dan's fault." I wrapped my arms around my knees, curling them closer to my chest. 

She hesitantly placed an arm around my shoulders. "I won't ask anymore. You're clearly going inside your shell from the way your body language is reading right now. We don't have to talk about this anymore." I nodded, grateful to her because the wound in my heart was hurting again. 

We sat there until the sun started to rise and we reluctantly left to get ready for school, a piece of the old me peeking around the pain. 

I knew I didn't feel better, but talking with Tina all night nudged a part of me that was overshadowed by the pain. It was brief, but at least i knew a part of the old me was still there. 

Morning classes were nothing special; I barely spoke to Ray or Geoff, being lost in my own thoughts and emotions. They didn't take offence, merely nodding to let me know they understood. I was doing fine until lunch. I could avoid Gavin and Dan while I was in class or in the hallway, that was easy enough. But I couldn't avoid them at lunch, not when they sat a couple of tables down from mine. Ryan and Jack still sat with them too, but they frequently sent me text messages asking if I was okay. At least I knew they didn't go over to the dark side, too. I couldn't handle if two more people that were supposed to be my friends turned against me. 

I didn't bother getting a tray anymore; when Lindsay first saw I wasn't really eating much she started bringing extra food with her. A bottle of water, an apple, and a sandwich were sitting in front of my normal spot when I arrived. I sat at the table in between Ray and Geoff, with Lindsay and Griffon on the other side. My back was to Gavin's table so I wouldn't risk looking up and catching his eye or see him kissing Barbara, which was a pain ten times worse than how I currently felt. 

They were discussing prom, which was still three weeks away. I hadn't even thought about buying a ticket. 

"We can all go as a group," suggested Lindsay, eyeing me from across the table. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I really didn't feel like going because I knew Gavin would be there. So I just shrugged, not saying yes or no.

"I think that would probably be the best idea; we can all look out for each other," added Griffon, worriedly glancing at me. I threw my hands up, frustrated.

"Don't feel obligated to babysit me just because I'm sad as fuck right now, guys," I spat, tearing off a piece of my sandwich. Geoff placed a hand on my shoulder.

"We don't feel  _obligated_ to do anything, Michael, we just want to include you, you know? We care about you." 

"If I go, he's going to be there, and that's going to ruin my whole fucking night," I snapped. 

"Just think about it, okay?" asked Ray, giving me a hopeful smile.

"Whatever," I grumbled, biting into my apple. A flash of dark hair flew in front of the table before the blur sat down in between Lindsay and Griffon. It was Tina in all of her glory. The others jumped at her sudden appearance. 

"What's this I hear about prom?" she asked, placing her lunch on the table.

"Uh..." Ray said, gaping at the new edition to the table, "we were trying to convince Michael to go. We were gonna make it a group thing."

"Ooh, sounds like fun!"

"Guys, if I go, it's my senior prom for fuck's sake. I'll be the only one not doing the senior walk and that's pretty fucking said," I shouted, my heart thudding painfully at the fact that I thought when prom came around I would be going with Gavin. Everyone was quiet for a moment.

"I'll be your 'date.'" I looked up and Tina was smiling at me, making quotations around the word 'date.' I narrowed my eyes. Surely she doesn't know...

"Exactly how much do you know, Tina?" I asked. She smirked at me, shaking her milk carton. 

"Enough. Now would you like to escort me to prom, Michael Jones, so that we can get you and Mr. God-Save-The-Queen together or not?" she asked.

"Prom is still three weeks away, Tina. I don't even know if I'm going to go or not."

She raised an eyebrow, sipping at her drink with a satisfying smack. "A lot can happen in three weeks, Michael."


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, be wary of trigger warnings for suicide, depression, and self harm.   
> But this is a much happier chapter (in my opinion, at least.) Enjoy!

Tina became almost a saving grace for me, in a way. When I felt lonely at night, plagued by my thoughts and emotions, it was an unspoken agreement that we would meet in that same park and stare at the sky until I felt better or until the sun began to rise. We talked about lots of things, from when I came out to my parents to why I couldn't just let Gavin go. Sometimes Geoff or Ray would join us, but most often it was just us. 

"I was in your place once," Tina commented late one night. We were laying on our backs in the grass, gazing at the clear, starry sky. I turned my head to look at her and she had this sort of secret smile on her face. I was surprised at how bitter it seemed. 

"How?" I asked.

"Back at my old school a couple of years ago, there was this guy I thought I was in love with. He was similar to Gavin, without the accent. Kind of a prick but he had his moments where he was kind and helpful. Then some things happened and we actually grew to be quite close. He was there for me when my mom and I had a major fight one night. There was a park similar to this one close by my old house and she caught me sneaking in one night after I spent the whole time away from the house. She completely lost it," she muttered, anguish in her voice as she recalled the memory. 

"How bad was it?" 

She scoffed. "Bad. It wasn't even seven in the morning and she already had a beer in her hand. Anyway, I called him crying and he came over and picked me up, even with my mom shouting out the door that I had 'better not get into that fucking car' with him." Her voice had taken a sad turn and I found her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. She smiled and continued, "It was like that for a while, you know? We could tell each other anything, and I told him plenty of secrets about me and he shared a few of his own. Then one day he just... turned on me. He humiliated me terribly in front of a lot of my classmates. I refused to go to school for a couple of days, not willing to face him."

"What a prick," I commented, anger building in my veins at a guy I didn't even know.

"I didn't eat, barely drank, slept all the time - or at least gave off the impression I was sleeping. I cut, not deep enough to warrant a hospital visit but enough to make me  _feel_ again. My mom noticed after about two months of my depression; she can act like a mother when she wants to, even though she doesn't half the time. She transferred to a job here and we moved. I haven't heard from him since, and I honestly don't want to. As soon as we moved I was able to eat again, and the light at the end of the tunnel became more clear." She held out her arms to me and in the moonlight I could see faint scars. "I've still got battle wounds, Michael, because depression is one hell of a fight. But there is a safe end to it all, you know?"

I shrugged, ripping up blades of grass with my hands. I refused to go to the doctor and be put on medication, not only because I was a stubborn fuck but because I felt like it wouldn't do me any good. Maybe it would help a little with my emotions but my thoughts would still exist. I would still see Gavin in the halls and be reminded of how he made me feel. Of how low I got, and it was all because of him and Dan. "The only end I see is graduation, Tina. The only way I'm going to get better is if I don't ever see Gavin or Dan again, which is going to make me simultaneously happy and sad." 

"Look at me," she commanded. I turned to her and saw her shining eyes meet my own. She ran a hand over my cheek. "I know it all seems hopeless right now, Michael. Believe me, I know. But you've got to try. If you don't ever try, how do you know if you'll get over this before graduation?" She placed a hand on my arm. "At least you haven't started cutting. You're in a better place than I was." She said this last part softly, absentmindedly tracing the scars on her own arms. 

"I just don't see me getting out of this black hole before graduation; at least not alone."

"Who said anything about you being alone? You've got an amazing support group, Michael. Your parents, Ray, Geoff, Lindsay, me. We are all rooting for you to get better. Depression isn't a one man fight. You need a support group behind you to motivate you and to make sure you're going down a good path." She squeezed my hand. "I know you said you would think about prom, but I really want you to go. You need to show Gavin and Dan that they don't phase you anymore. Show them that they have not won, that you're over all of their bullshit. Michael Jones is a fighter, not a quitter. I've watched some of your YouTube videos, and with all the rage you can express towards games I'm surprised you haven't sent some of that their way," she said, laughing. I managed to smile a little at her joke.

"Raging at games is one thing; it's another to get mad at an actual person that can yell back at you," I explained, sitting up. My back was starting to ache from laying on the hard ground for so long. 

"I think you would scare the shit out of them, to be honest. Michael Jones, the quiet, shy senior, is really the Hulk in disguise," she joked, mimicking my position. "I bet Gavin would shit himself if you yelled at him." I didn't realize what was happening until my sides began to ache slightly, loud noises escaping my lips. I was  _laughing._ For the first time in weeks, I was actually  _laughing._ "There we go. How long had you gone without laughing, Michael?"

"A really long time," I finally said after catching my breath. 

* * *

 

I told my mother a day later that I would see a doctor about medication and she just pulled me into a hug, kissing the top of my head. She said that I would feel better taking them, at least until I could be happy again on my own. She worried about me, I knew, and I felt guilty for making her worry. When I told Ray and Geoff they just fondly called me a fucking stubborn asshole and said they were glad I chose to take them. I texted Lindsay that night to let her know and all she sent back was, "Prom?" I rolled my eyes and told her to wait until my medication kicked in and then I would give her a straight answer.

> _Wednesday, April 12, 10:22pm Lindsay Tuggey: Well I've already bought your ticket and your mom is making plans to rent a tux for you as we speak, but sure, I'll 'wait.'_
> 
> _Wednesday, April 12, 10:23pm Me: Did I ever tell you that you're a fucking persistent person?_
> 
> _Wednesday, April 12, 10:24pm Lindsay Tuggey: Maybe once or twice. :)_

I just shook my head and rolled over, staring at the moonlight coming in between the blinds. For once, I didn't go to the park that night. I actually slept soundly in my own bed until my alarm went off at six-thirty. My dreams weren't plagued with shadows and images of Gavin as they had been for weeks. I slept soundly and dreamlessly, or at least I couldn't remember them. A knock on my door caused me to roll over. My mom opened the door, smiling softly. She was in her pajamas and her hair was tousled. 

"You're actually in your bed for once?" she asked, surprising me. 

"What do you mean?"

She laughed quietly, sleep still evident in her voice. "I know you haven't been sleeping, Mikey, that you've been going for nightly walks to the park." I opened my mouth to ask who told her when she stopped me. "Geoff told me. I'm not mad; if you can't sleep, you can't help that. I would rather you have to take walks to clear your head than sit here in your room crying."

"I didn't think you knew about my nightly walks," I yawned, stretching.

"I may not know everything that goes on with you, but I'm still a mother, Michael. We know all," she joked, raising one eyebrow. "I'll make you some breakfast while you get in the shower." She walked farther in and leaned over, kissing my head. She still smelled like lotion and shampoo from her shower last night. Total mom smell. "I love you."

"I love you too, mom." She left and I checked my phone for any messages I may have received during the night. I had two from Ray as he freaked out over math homework he left until the last minute.

> _Thursday, April 13, 2:23am Ray Narvaez Jr: Okay, or don't respond. It's cool. I'll just fail the class and have to repeat 12th grade. It's fine. It's not like I wanted to graduate anyway._

I called Ray as I was getting out of bed, pulling clothes out of the closet to wear today. He answered on the fourth ring. "Mm hullo?"

"I fell asleep really early last night, sorry dude. Did you ever finish that homework?"

"Michael? No, I was hoping you could help me with it this morning. What time is it?" 

"Almost seven; I'm going to get in the shower and eat breakfast really quickly if you'll call Geoff and tell him to pick us up early today," I said, walking into the bathroom. 

"Yeah, sure. See you then."  _Click._ I set my phone on the sink counter and stared at my reflection. I looked like hell had chewed me up and spit me out.

"It's time for you to get the fuck over Gavin," I told my reflection. I pulled at the dark bags under my eyes. "These? These are fucking unacceptable, dude. And all the crying? Man, our tear ducts have been overworked. You'll never be able to cry again. Grow some balls, tell this depression to fuck off, and put a smile on that god damn face because you are a fucking mess." I took a deep breath and turned the corners of my lips upward into a small smile. It seemed to bring a little bit of life back into my face, regardless of how tired I looked. I was still pretty thin, but I had begun to eat more after I started meeting Tina for our nightly visits. 

_Well it's a start,_ I thought before climbing into the shower.

* * *

 

Mom checked me out at lunch to take me to the doctor's. It didn't take long for us to get in, and the doctor asked simple questions about my depression. How I've been feeling (shitty), how long has this been going on (almost two months), have I had any suicidal or harmful thoughts (a few, but none that I've acted on.) He eventually wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant, not a strong dosage but strong enough to help me deal with it. He said the effects should be present after two weeks, but since I seem to be showing signs of slowly starting to fight it, I may see them sooner. 

She took me to get some lunch since I was missing mine and I took the first of many pills. My mom squeezed my leg after she dropped me off at school. "I'm proud of you, Michael," she said before driving off. I walked back into the building and was in the process of untangling my earbuds when I ran smack into something hard.

Correction:  _two_ somethings hard.

"Watch where you're going, asshole," an accented voice spat at me. I looked up and into the eyes of Dan. Irritation filled my veins and I stood my ground.

"Maybe you should watch where  _you're_ going," I snapped, shuffling to move around the pair. I wasn't going to look at or talk to Gavin. I had decided that if he was going to act like I didn't exist, I was going to do the same thing to him. 

"Excuse me?" Dan shouted. I heard his footsteps speed up and suddenly my backpack was being jerked back and I was being slammed against a locker. People around us were pulling out their phones, snapping pictures.  _Oh yes, take pictures of shy guy Michael being beat up by a British twat._

"I didn't know you were a bully, Dan, or even had the guts to touch me. I mean, yeah I'm a pretty quiet guy but remember what I did to your nose? I can break it this time," I threatened, staring the fucker straight in the eyes. His eyes narrowed, sending daggers into my own. 

"If you hit me, you could be suspended," he taunted. "This close to graduation, your grades could plummet and then you could not graduate. Do you really want that?"  _Fuck._

"Hey asshole," a voice called. Dan turned around and immediately a fist connected with his face - a fist that belonged to Tina. I dropped to the ground, hitting my head against the lockers. 

"Ow," I whined, rubbing the back of my head carefully. Dan was covering his eye and leaning against Gavin for support. The look Gavin gave me was filled with many different emotions: anger, betrayal, and I think even some guilt but he had walked away with Dan before I could analyze him further. "God damn it." I told myself I wouldn't look at Gavin and I did anyway. My heart throbbed, longing to speak to the Brit. Tina crouched in front of me and looked me over, feeling my head and face for any signs of damage.

"Michael are you okay?" she asked, concerned. I nodded and let her help me up.

"That was one hell of a punch," I said, smiling and adjusting my backpack. She laughed and rubbed her knuckles. 

"Yeah, well, I had to learn a few things to deal with the assholes back at my old school. I hope my little fist chat with Dan told him that you were not to be messed with," she said, walking with me down the hallway to my class. 

"Most guys would be pissed to have a girl fight their battles for them," I said sarcastically. She raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. 

"Well 'most guys' need to learn to throw a punch in the face of danger and not piss themselves."

"In my defense, he had me in a position to where I couldn't really do anything," I pointed out. 

"Relax; I'm not talking about you. So, prom. Lindsay told me you were on medication finally. How's that working out?"

"I'll find out in a few days; I just got them not even two hours ago. I don't feel anything yet but I know they take a while before the effects set in."

Tina smiled slyly at me. "You do know Lindsay has already bought your ticket right? She and your mom are conspiring against you as we speak."

I rolled my eyes as we neared my class. "Yeah, I know. She told me. I haven't even officially said yes either!" I said incredulously. She just giggled as we stopped in font of the door. 

"I'll let you know what color my dress is," she said, giving me a hug before departing down the hall.

"I haven't even said yes!" I repeated, shouting at her retreating back. She just lifted a hand in the air at me as she rounded the corner. 

I sighed. All of this made me even more happy that I was into men. Women were just fucking impossible. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Filler Filler Filler Filler Filler
> 
> Sorry for the short chapter; I just really need this story to move along and filler's not so bad, right? xo

_Gavin's POV_

_\--_

With Dan back in my life, it felt as though we had never had our little falling out from years earlier. Despite his feelings about my sexuality, it was like we never stopped being friends. We shared the same sense of humor and he got along with all of my friends, which I was honestly worried about. He had my back through everything and stuck by me when things got tough. He truly was my best friend.

So why did I feel so empty all the time?

I picked at my lunch one day, not even bothering to eat the thing on my tray they claimed was a hamburger. Ryan and Jack sat beside me with Dan and Barbara across from us. Barb was telling stories to Dan about the times I had been drunk and acted stupidly, and there were a lot of those. He laughed at all of them, each time harder than the last and it brought a warm feeling to my gut that my girlfriend and best friend got along so great.  _Girlfriend. That's so weird to say._

"And then," she giggled, unable to continue for a second because she was almost out of breath, "and  _then,_ he picked up my cat, right? And this guy just fucking lifts him in the air and starts singing a really bad cover of 'Circle of Life.' While absolutely  _butt naked."_ I rolled my eyes; she told that story to almost everyone we came across; everyone seemed to get a kick out of the way I like to strip nude and pick up cats when I get drunk.

"Did he really?" Dan laughed, picking up his drink and taking a swig. He eyeballed me and furrowed his eyebrows, his smile disappearing. "Who pissed in your Cheerios?" I shrugged.

"Just not that hungry, Dan, and I've heard that story ten million times," I replied, finally just pushing the tray away from me and settling on sipping at my soda. 

"What's wrong, Gav?" asked Ryan, placing a concerned hand on my shoulder. Again I shrugged, not bothering to answer. "Are you ill? Do you need to go to the nurse?"

"I'm fine, Ryan. Honest." I threw a smile his way, but the way he stared back at me I knew he wasn't convinced. I wouldn't have fallen for my bullshit either. 

It had been almost two months since Michael and I got into that fight, and at first I felt happy. I was happy that Dan showed me who it was I could trust and who was just using me; I was happy that he told me how Michael really was so that I wouldn't have to find out in some horrific way at a later time. He showed me that I would have just gone down a path that would lead me back into the depression I had felt all those years ago. I was grateful to him. Wasn't I?

About a month after, I started feeling a sense of longing, of loneliness. I was still happy to be around Dan, and I had Barbara by my side by then. Ryan and Jack were still around too and were as supportive as they had always been. Guilt was slowly creeping at the edge of the happy feeling I was floating on, and when I mentioned it to Dan he told me to just fight it, that I had made the right decision by cutting Michael off completely. He reminded me of how Michael knew about me, and how he was holding on to that information to blackmail me eventually. Dan reminded me that I should be grateful he saved me from him before it was too late. 

I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had made a grave mistake. 

"Earth to Gavin," Dan said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I startled a bit, shaking my head to clear out of my daze. I looked sheepishly at him.

"Sorry, kinda wandered off a bit," I apologized, clearing my throat. "How's the eye?" I changed the subject to get the attention off of me; I didn't need him snapping on me again about how I was being a fucking idiot by even feeling a little bit bad about how I've been treating Michael. 

"Still hurts; I'll give that bitch credit, she can throw a punch," he muttered, subconsciously covering his eye with the ice pack near his tray. It was still a deep purple color and looked like it really hurt. His eye was still swollen half-shut, too. I joked that he should just wear an eye patch until it healed up, or at least stopped swelling, and all he did was glare at me through his one good eye. I opened my mouth to tell him that maybe if he hadn't harassed Michael he wouldn't have gotten punched but decided against it. 

So I just said, "I've got to run to the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute," and got up from the table. I scanned the room quietly, debating the best route to get to the doors without passing Michael's table, but I would have to pass his table no matter what. So I just sighed and began walking, twisting my hands together nervously while staring straight ahead.  _Don't look at their table, just keep walking. Focus on your bladder and everything will be fine._

_“I just needed to take a leak and this was the closest bathroom, but I can always find another one if you don’t want to move."_

The sudden memory came flying at me, catching me completely off guard. I stopped suddenly, surprised at how powerful it was.  _The first night Michael and I talked and got to know each other a little._

Someone cleared their throat and I turned my head, realizing I stopped right by Michael's table.  _Fuck._ "Are you lost?" a scathing voice said, belonging to the girl who punched Dan in the face. She was sitting by Michael who was looking down at his food; the others were glaring at me, daring me to say even a small thing to upset him. I held up my hands in surrender. 

"Sorry, I was just going to the bathroom," I mumbled before quickly weaving through the tables and reaching the doors. 

"Fucking idiot," Geoff said loudly, making sure I could hear him. My heart thumped sadly as I pushed through the doors and made my way to the restroom. I took a quick pee and then stood at the sink, washing my hands. When I was done I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, sighing. 

"What if Dan's wrong? What if he just made those things up because he was jealous of your friendship with Michael? Or what if he just didn't want you going after him so he lied so you would get with Barbara instead? Maybe Dan's the one in the wrong here, and if I am... I fucked up," I whispered to my reflection. Even though I had cut ties with Michael, it was really hard for me not to notice the change in his mood, in his personality. I noticed he wasn't eating, noticed he grew thin and had permanent marks under his eyes. I saw how anti-social he was being and saw how his eyes seemed to always be puffy. I knew the signs of depression, and he was depressed.  _And it's all my fault._

One of the toilets flushed suddenly, causing me to jump. Ray exited the stall and gave no indication that he heard my little self-doubt talk, even has his eyes skimmed over my face. He quietly washed his hands and grabbed for some paper towels. I thought he was going to leave and say nothing, but he stopped just shy of the door and turned to face me. "You know, Michael's really hurt that you said all of those things to him. I'm sure you've noticed what a fucking mess he is, and honestly, man, I'm really surprised that you haven't owned up to the fact that you're in the wrong, here. I don't know what kind of lies Dan has been telling you, but Michael would never use your sexuality as blackmail, dude. I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to believe that, but I guess I was wrong," he said, shaking his head before exiting. 

I got angry suddenly, but not at Ray. At myself. At Dan. At the way I just believed him right away because we had so much history that I didn't think he could wrong me, even when he stood by while my life just went down the drain back home. The door opened and a small freshman came scurrying in. He stopped and looked at me when he noticed me at the sinks. "What the hell are you staring at?" I snarled. He just squeaked and ran into the stall, locking the door. I sighed; I knew I shouldn't be taking out my frustration on poor freshmen but old habits really do die hard.

I left the bathroom and headed back into the cafeteria, avoiding Michael's table even when Geoff uttered a few more choice words aimed at me. I sat back down in between Ryan and Jack and smiled weakly at Dan when he asked if I was okay now. 

"Yeah. I'm just fine."

* * *

_Michael's POV_

_\--_

I watched Gavin walk back to his table without a word. Tina nudged my side. "Are you okay?" 

"That seems to be the question of the century," I weakly joked. "I'll be okay, guys. Just have to wait a few days for these pills to set in and, you know, not look at Gavin or think about him for a while and I'll be just fucking peachy." 

"I'm sure he'll realize he was wrong eventually," Ray said helpfully, patting my knee. "Then you'll get the satisfaction of him on his hands and knees begging for you to forgive him." I shook my head.

"Gavin's a stubborn fucker, it'll take a lot for him to admit that. If Dan's pulling the strings? He'll never admit it. Not while he's around." I saw the way Dan laughed with Gavin and my heart tugged against my chest painfully. 

Everyone suddenly exchanged a look that could only be described as sinister. Geoff whipped out his phone and sent a text and not a minute later Ryan and Jack excused themselves from Gavin's table, much to his dismay and Dan's annoyance, and joined our group. 

"So who are we putting in a hole?" asked Ryan immediately, situating himself in between Tina and Lindsay while Jack took a spot beside Ray. I raised an eyebrow at Geoff who wiggled his in response. 

"We're not putting anyone in a hole" - Ryan frowned, which caused an involuntary laugh to escape my throat - "But we are getting rid of that asshole somehow. He's ruining Gavin and Gavin's letting him; he's also hurting Michael and I have had enough of him. I figured you guys would want to be involved since I know you don't really like him either."

"Geoff, what exactly are you planning?" I asked cautiously. He grinned. 

"Operation: Get Dan the Fuck Away From Gavin has now commenced. Everyone meet at Ryan's house after school so we can plan how to get rid of that fucker for good."

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the last almost-completely filler chapter, because this one is furthering the plot, too. This story is quickly coming to a close, guys! About three to four more chapters and it will be over. I know, I'm sad too. I also added in a little quip that ties the story's title into it so see if you guys can spot it. :D
> 
> As always, I appreciate everyone who's reading and i love you all. xo

"For the last time, Ryan, we are not sending Dan back to England in a body bag," Geoff said annoyed but laughing. We were sitting in his game room, music playing in the background, while we tried to come up with a plan to get rid of Dan. Or, if we couldn't kick him out of the state, at least get him away from Gavin. I really didn't say much, leaving the scheming up to them. I fiddled with my phone and sat in the corner of the sofa, listening to them argue. 

"It was just a suggestion," Ryan whined, huffing and crossing his arms. For a tall, muscular guy, that was a really funny sight to see. "You already said no to me kidnapping him and throwing him in my basement, you gotta give me  _something._ "

"I really don't think the best way of getting rid of Dan is to cause him bodily harm," commented Lindsay from her place on the floor. She laid against the couch right under me, leaning her head back to smile softly at me. "If we want to really make him hurt, we need to turn Gavin against him. Preferably in public so that everyone will see what a scum he is, but ultimately Dan's demise lies with Gavin."

"Does he really care about Gavin, though?" I asked suddenly, looking up from my phone at the others. "I mean, he admitted to Miles that he was using him until he made 'connections' of his own; does he care about Gavin now that he's 'popular'?" 

They were quiet. "I don't know," Jack muttered. "But we won't know until we try, right?"

I shifted into a lying down position, relieving a dull ache that had begun to form in my lower back. It really didn't matter to me how they got rid of Dan, I just wanted him gone. He was the evil influence over Gavin that ruined what we had; he was the poison that caused my depression. He needed to go, and the sooner he left, the better it would be for all of us. Tina was sitting at the end of the couch and she pulled my feet into her lap. I gave her a look and she simply smiled back at me. 

"Let's do it during prom," she suggested, patting my sock feet. 

"Whoa whoa, hold the fuck up. We are not doing some kind of  _Carrie_ bullshit-" Geoff started to say before Tina cut him off.

"Of course not; do you know how big of a mess that would be to clean up?" she laughed, probably thinking of the way the 'blood' would stain Dan's tux and hair and how he would be shouting curses left and right, demanding to know who did it. "It should be something simple; something easy but effective."

"Like what?"

I sat up suddenly, a thought popping into my mind. "What if we could record Dan saying awful things about Gavin and then somehow get Gavin to hear them? I mean people at school look up to Gavin, at least when he's not being a douche bag; I'm sure if he dissed Dan in front of the whole school that would seriously injure his pride and cause him to shrink back into whatever hole it was he came out of."

"You make him sound like he's some kind of rat," Ryan said laughing, with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"He might as well be."

"Alright, Michael, say we go with your plan. How exactly are we going to set it all up? Who's going to get Dan to admit his deep inner dislike of Gavin? I mean it can't be one of us; they already know our group can't be trusted. Ryan and Jack can't since, even though they still talk to Gavin, Dan knows they're friends with us," Geoff inquired, looking at me. Damn. I hadn't really thought about that part. 

"What about Kerry?" asked Ray from the middle of the floor where he was playing Halo. "I mean, Dan doesn't really know him well and he doesn't openly hang out with us. He could be perfect. He's small, kinda, so he'd play the perfect part of someone that has to go in and trick somebody without them knowing it's a trick."

"Double-oh Kerry," Ryan joked. 

"Okay that solves the 'who'; now we're onto the 'how.' As in, how are we going to get Dan to spill? I don't know if he would tell all of his secrets and shit to a random student," Lindsay added. 

Geoff pulled out his phone and tapped a few things on his screen. "Okay, we've got... what, two weeks or so until prom? I think that's plenty of time for Kerry to weasel his way into their little inner circle." He put it back in his pocket. "Okay, Ryan and Jack. I'm going to need you guys to invite Kerry to eat lunch with you everyday until probably a day or two before prom. Act like he is the absolute fucking coolest person you've ever met and try and talk him up to Dan. Then, when it gets closer to prom, try and get Kerry and Dan alone so Kerry can ask him about Gavin in private. I don't care what you have to do, if you have to leave them in here while you go get food or if you have to put them in a closet or something, I don't give a shit as long as Kerry gets him talking and we have it on tape."

"Got it," they said together. Geoff then turned to me, his eyes shining with the promise of this plan. 

"All I need you to do, Michael, is keep taking your medication and leave everything up to us. I know you're going to want to jump in and help but all you need right now is to get better and focus on what color your vest is going to be," he joked. I glared at him and then looked over at Tina who was wiggling her eyebrows. 

"I go dress shopping tomorrow," she sang, giving me a pointed look. 

"I didn't even want to go in the first place, why do I need to go dress shopping with you?" I complained, pulling my legs from her lap. Her smiled dropped and caused me to feel guilty. "I didn't mean that to sound rude, but do you really need me to help you pick out a dress? Isn't that what Lindsay is for?" 

"I just thought you might want to see what kind of dress I get, or help me pick out one that will at least bother Gavin enough to make him want to steal you away from me," she teased. I rolled my eyes but grinned at her.

"I think Lindsay knows me well enough to pick out something that will cause him to turn green with envy, or at least wish he was in your place," I replied, "but hopefully not wearing the dress." She giggled at the image of Gavin in a short prom dress in her mind. I sighed. "You could probably show up in a potato sack and he would still want to take your place. At least I hope so; I hope he's not really into Barbara. I mean, I can see them as good friends but seeing them as a couple is just weird."  _Not to mention it hurts to see them together, his arm around her waist, her lips on his cheek..._ _  
_

The sharp pain in my chest caused me to shoot up suddenly and run up the stairs and outside, collapsing on the porch swing. My eyes began to tear up and I fought back the sudden wave of sadness that overwhelmed me. "Fuck, I thought we were over this," I whispered to myself, not even bothering to wipe away the tears making their escape down my cheeks. A shift in the swing caused me to turn my head and Tina sat beside me, throwing an arm around my shoulders. 

"Michael, it's okay. Depression isn't going to go away overnight, you know?" she said softly as I leaned into her. 

"It just.. it hit so suddenly that I wasn't prepared."

"All the mention of Gavin is probably what triggered it. I'm positive that the pills are starting to work, but like the doctor said, it'll be a while before they fully take effect. So you'll probably have these ups and downs until they do. You may even have them after, who knows. Don't be ashamed if you feel low, we're here to help you through it," she murmured, squeezing me softly into a hug. 

I took a few deep breaths and began to feel myself calm down, the darkness slowly retreating. It wasn't a bad episode, but what would happen if I had one during prom? How would I handle it then?

* * *

 

Tina ended up texting me a picture of the dress she and Lindsay found, since I refused to go anywhere near the dress shop. "I can help pick out a dress just as easily from the comfort of my bedroom," I told her the night before over the phone. I heard her sigh and then heard her blow a raspberry at the phone. I smiled in the dark. "I heard that I'm just going to trust Lindsay to help you pick out one we'll both like, okay?"

"Fine," she pouted. "See you tomorrow."  _Click._ I placed the phone on the night stand by my bed and rolled onto my side, settling into a more comfortable position. I expected to just fall asleep instantly, having been tired from that day's plotting of Dan's demise. But sleep was being a stubborn fucker and I tossed and turned for a while before picking my phone back up. It was almost two a.m. and I had to be up in about four and a half hours. 

I was wide-fucking-awake. Great. 

I clicked my web browser and waited for it to load; when it finally finished I was shocked to see Gavin's blog open. I guess I had forgotten to close out of it the last time I had opened it. I closed my eyes, not wanting to read anything that might make the darkness inside of me return, but I was too curious. I hadn't viewed his blog in weeks and there were several new posts to read, the most recent from yesterday evening. "Damn it, fine, I'll read it," I snapped at myself while clicking the title. It opened and immediately the first line caught my eye.

_Call me crazy, but... I think my best friend might be using me._

_Now I know what you're probably thinking: Gavin's just being paranoid, if this guy is his best friend why would he be using him? Well... I just have this strange gut feeling that after I cut ties with Michael, even though Dan has been by my side through it, he's just using my 'popularity,' so to speak, to find other friends. He doesn't approve of the fact that I like guys and he's always putting me down, calling me stupid or a knob or saying I'm hopeless. I just laugh at him and hope he's joking but deep down I don't think he is._

_I brought it up to him the other day and he just laughed it off, called me crazy, and asked if we were still on for that game night we planned to have. Maybe I am just worrying over nothing, and all of this stupid Michael bullshit is getting to me._

_His friend came up to me in the bathroom the other day and said he thought I was smarter than that, in how I just cut ties with him instead of hearing him out; Dan said to just ignore him, that he's just trying to make up excuses for Michael and that he's trying to tear our friendship apart._

_Maybe he's right. I guess I am just being stupid._

_So why do I feel like there's something lying in wait with Dan I'm not going to like?_

_Cheers._

I finished reading the post and let out the most horrific noise I had ever made. "Gavin you are such a fucking loser," I said out-loud, covering my face. "It's all right there in front of you and you choose to ignore it and keep being his friend. Are you fucking kidding me?" I quickly sent the link to Ray, not expecting a reply until the morning when we could both face-palm at the post.

My phone  _ding!_ ed back right away.

> _April 23, 2014 @ 2:02a.m Ray Narvaez Jr.: I literally just face-palmed so hard I think it might leave a bruise._
> 
> _Me: You're telling me. How can he be so stupid as to what's staring him in the face? By the way, were you the friend of mine who confronted him in the bathroom?_
> 
> _Ray: Yeah, I thought if I talked with him he might come to his senses and kick Dan to the curb but obviously what I said made no difference. Man, he's got Gavin wrapped really tightly around his finger, Michael. I don't know if there's any hope for him left._
> 
> _Me: You don't know how many times I wish I could just magic-away my feelings for him and just not care anymore, Ray. I've wanted that so badly these past few weeks and it's just not happening. I don't know if that means that he's worth fighting for or what, but I'm tired. I'm tired of being invisible and I'm tired of never going after what I want. Why can't I just leap in front of him and yell, 'Here I am! I'm the one you've been looking for, Gav. Not Dan. Not Barb. Me. I'm the only who's going to always be there for you and love you unconditionally until the day you die because that's the fucking person I am. Whether you like it or not, I'm here and I'm going to make you forget about your past depression and the struggles you faced. I love you, Gavin Free. I have for two fucking years. So why can't you see me?'_
> 
> _Ray: Wow. That was beautiful._
> 
> _Ray: But in all seriousness, whatever will be, will be, Michael. Just let us do our jobs. If it happens, fucking great. If not? Well, you'll both be moving to opposite sides of the country, right? You'll never have to see each other or speak again. I guess we'll find out in two weeks, right?_
> 
> _Me: Yeah. You're right. Thanks Ray. I'm gonna head to sleep; I'll see you in a few hours._
> 
> _Ray; Ugh, don't remind me. Later._

Sitting in my chair in front of the TV I stared at the picture on my phone. The dress Tina picked out was a deep red color, almost the color of the setting sun. It was strapless and fell just to her knees, the skirt puffing out ever so slightly. It complimented her skin tone and her dark hair perfectly. I dialed her number and when she picked up I said, "So did you pick that out or did Lindsay?" 

"Hello to you too, prom date," she said dryly. "Lindsay noticed it but I chose it. So I guess we both picked it out?"

"It looks good on you," I said honestly, cradling the phone in the crook of my neck, booting up a game at the same time. 

"Well thanks." She was smiling. "So we saw Barbara there too, while we were shopping."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, she was buying her dress too. She's really nice, I don't know how she's with Gavin. Anyway, she said that Dan is just going to tag along with them to prom, so instead of it just being Gavin and Barb it'll be Gavin, Barbara, and  _Dan._ " She snickered. "He's acting like a fucking third wheel, I swear to god."

"Wait, I thought for sure he would be taking somebody. Are you sure?"

"Mhm. Dead sure. He probably doesn't want to risk getting distracted from spying on Gavin and making sure he doesn't talk to you."

I rolled my eyes." That sounds like Dan."

"There's also another thing," she said hesitantly. 

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Barb also told me that Gavin's been really tense with Dan lately; they fight all the time about little things and he's really on edge a lot. So I don't know if that means Gavin's finally seeing through Dan's shit or what, but maybe it's a sign that our plan is going to work." 

"I hope so. I've decided that if this plan doesn't work I'm just going to forget about Gavin and just lose his number after we graduate. If we go through all of this effort for him just for him to be completely thick skulled and not give a shit about the truth when it's staring him right in the face then he's not worth it. Becoming close to suicidal, Tina, was the tipping point for me. Gavin isn't worth my emotional state going to hell," I said softly. 

"Good for you, Michael Jones," she crowed through the phone, putting a small smile on my face. I heard some shuffling in the background. "Will you guys knock it off? I'm on the phone."

"So? It's just Michael," Ray's voice sounded suddenly, causing me to jerk back from the phone.

"Jesus Ray, back up from the mouth piece," I snapped. He chuckled. "Oh right, laugh because it's  _so_ funny."

"Unlock your door, asshole," he said. I looked at my phone and was suddenly made aware of the incessant pounding coming from the front door. I groaned and rushed to it, throwing it open. I was immediately engulfed in a Tina and Ray sandwich, Geoff lingering on the outside, laughing. 

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked, pressing the call end button on my phone.  Geoff made his way inside and shut the door, facing the three of us.

"We've got work to do."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’ve decided that I’m going to end this story at 20-22 chapters, because this story is almost at the end and I don’t want to drag it out with loads of filler. So once I’m done I’ll be working on my next story, which is going to be a college AU. Still Mavin, but not a sequel to this story. This is a much longer chapter,so I hope you enjoy, As always, be wary for trigger warnings for homophobia, etc.

When I woke up the next morning, the realization that we were putting the plan in motion today hit me like a train. I began to worry, because what if it failed? What if Dan was unwelcoming of Kerry and what if he didn't fall for it? My heart began to race as I laid there panicking, and with a shaky hand I picked up my phone and quickly dialed Geoff.

He picked up after the sixth ring. "It's six thirty in the morning, what the fuck do you want this early?"

"What... what does a panic attack feel like?" I stuttered, squeezing my eyes shut and focusing on my breathing. I heard movement on the other end.

"Michael, are you okay?" Geoff asked, sounding much more awake. I didn't answer right away, causing his voice to become even more concerned. "Michael?"

"I'm f-fine. I just, I keep thinking about this plan, and I'm worried that it's going to fail." The stress and fear in my voice came across loud and clear and my chest tightened as the worry became even more profound. 

"Breathe, Michael. Breathe. The plan isn't going to fail; while it's not exactly fool-proof, it's as good as gold, man. Everything is planned out, we just have to see how it plays out. I told you not to worry about it, dude."

"It's hard not to worry, Geoff, when my friendship and my future with Gavin is riding on _Kerry_ ," I shouted into the phone. I sat up and put my head in between my knees, breathing in and out slowly. 

"We've already talked to him, Michael, and he's vowed not to fuck it up. I know that you're not particularly fond of him-"

"That's not it, I like Kerry, Geoff, it's just I'm not extremely close to him so I don't exactly have a lot of faith in him at this point," I corrected, the tight feeling beginning to subside. 

Geoff sighed on the other end of the line. "Look, get dressed. I'll wake up Ray and we can get some breakfast before school so we can talk."

"Okay."

"Bye."

I threw my phone on my pillow and raised my head, squinting as I looked at the sunlight streaming through my blinds. At least it was sunny, because I needed all of the good signs I could get.

I showered in silence even though my brain would not shut up, giving me endless scenarios of how the entire operation could just fail. It was supposed to last about a week and a half, and that was plenty of time for Dan to catch on and for him to accuse me of spying on him by using Kerry, which would just upset Gavin even further and push him even more away. It felt like I was in some kind of spy movie and I was the character that was destined to die. There was so much riding on this plan at this point and I meant it when I said if it failed I would give up. 

I dressed in my normal attire, jeans and a t-shirt, and pulled my beanie over my head. I looked better since I found a friend in Tina, and since I decided to take the pills, but it was easy to spot sadness lurking underneath the exterior. I was still sad, prone to bouts of crying and self-loathing, and there were times when I would rather stay home than have to come to school and face Dan and Gavin, but the little Tina on my shoulder would tell me to get the fuck over it and get my ass to school and of course I would agree. 

Mom was still asleep so I quietly moved around the kitchen to the cabinet where my pills were stored. I popped one and washed it down with a glass of water. I grabbed my backpack and snuck out, locking the door behind me. It was only a little after seven and Geoff hadn't arrived yet when my phone alerted me to a text message. 

> _Tina Dayton: Are you okay? I felt some weird vibes this morning when I got back home and I felt like I should check on you._
> 
> _Me: Other than my almost panic-attack this morning, I'm fine. Just the stress of everything riding on this plan is making me freak out._
> 
> _Tina Dayton: What did I tell you? What did Geoff tell you? Your job is not to worry about it. Your job is to sit there and look pretty while we do all of the work. You had_ _/one/ job man. ONE._ _  
> _
> 
> _Me: Oh shut up, Tina. Haha. It's just... my happiness is riding on this to work, and it's terrifying knowing that it's riding on one person's ability to trick someone else._
> 
> _Tina Dayton: MIchael Jones, your happiness is not determined by anyone other than yourself. I mean, yeah people on the outside can factor into your decision of whether or not you're going to decide to be happy, but ultimately it's up to you._
> 
> _Me: I guess you're right. Hey, Geoff just showed up to pick me up; we're going to go get some breakfast before school._
> 
> _Tina Dayton: Sweet, be there in five._
> 
> _Me: But you live about fifteen minutes away._
> 
> _Tina Dayton: I started walking to your house before I even texted you, so I'm almost there._

Sure enough, once Geoff put his car in park Tina came running down the sidewalk and flung herself at me, almost knocking me over. Her eyes were bright with excitement even though she obviously didn't sleep much last night. As she hugged me I noticed Ray staring at us and then averting his gaze when I caught him. Even from here I could see the blush that stained his cheeks.  _Well, what do we have here?_

"Are you two going to stand there all day or can we go get food?" Geoff hollered from the driver's side. I rolled my eyes and pulled Tina to the car, both of us taking a seat in the back. "Let's go get some pancakes. I've been craving those for a while."

"Michael, I've been texting Kerry since I got up this morning - thanks for the rude wake up call, dick," he sent towards Geoff. Geoff said nothing but grinned. "He's thoroughly prepared to do this. I know you're worried that he's going to fuck it up, but i honestly believe he won't. He wants you to be happy just as much as we do."

"Worrying is just going to upset you even more," added Tina.

"Guys, I know, but I can't fucking help it. If I could I would kick myself in the ass and tell me to 'get over it' but I can't do that," I snapped. "I'm just scared, okay? I said it. I'm terrified."

"Let us worry for you," said Tina, squeezing my shoulder. I took off my glasses and ran a hand over my face. 

"I just-" Suddenly I was flung against Tina as Geoff took a really sharp turn. "How the fuck did you get your license??" I shouted at Geoff who was laughing hysterically.

"Very easily, actually. Now are you still worried?"

"Ye-" Another sharp turn had me almost in Tina's lap. "God damn it, Geoff, you better hope I don't murder you once you park the car." He continued laughing until he pulled into the parking lot of a place that served really great pancakes. When he put it in park I flung open the door and jumped to the ground. "Sweet, sweet solid ground. I thought I would never see you again."

"Very funny, asshole," commented Geoff, picking me up by the backpack. I brushed off my shirt and smirked at him as he walked toward the building. When we walked inside I was immediately greeted by the sweet smells of breakfast. Eggs, bacon, pancakes, biscuits... my mouth watered as the waitress led us to a booth. Tina slid in beside me as we were handed our menus. We all ordered coffee, the sleep-deprived teens we were, and got to work looking over the menu. 

"I think I'll get the breakfast sampler," I said after a time. "It's got a little of everything." The woman came back with our mugs and poured the steaming brew into them. I added my sugar and milk and took a small sip. We gave her our orders and were left alone to talk. 

"So the plan will officially be in motion at lunch today?" Tina asked, stirring sugar into her coffee. 

"That's the plan," said Geoff, pressing a few buttons on his phone. 

"I think Dan might take to Kerry since, you know, he likes pushing people around and Kerry is really easy to push," Ray added. We looked at him. "What, it may give him an even bigger ego if he had power over somebody else."

"This is true," I admitted, resting my chin on my palm and surveying the people in the restaurant. There were elderly couples, families with small children, Gavin and Dan with Ryan, Jack, and Kerry in the corner...

Wait. What??

"Guys, look," I whispered, pointing to where the five were sitting. They turned in the direction I pointed and Geoff spat out his coffee, coughing really hard in the process. 

"What the fuck?" he shouted before we could shush him, earning nasty looks from the people around us. I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to Ryan.

> _Me: I thought the plan was going to start at lunch today; why the fuck are you guys having breakfast?_
> 
> _Ryan Haywood: I was going to tell you guys when we got to school this morning. Dan invited us to go eat and I invited Kerry at the last second, thinking this could give us a head start._
> 
> _Me: So how's that working out, because I had a mini-heart attack when I saw you guys._
> 
> _Ryan Haywood: It's going great, actually. Dan seems to genuinely like Kerry._

I relayed this information to the others and they sighed with relief. "I was about to get up and go deck Ryan in the face," Geoff said, clutching his chest. "I thought he was going to fuck up the whole operation."

"Well, we've got a head start now I guess. The plan is now officially a go," Tina announced, smiling at me. 

"T-minus two weeks until the rest of my life."

* * *

 

I didn't want to admit it, because I was keeping an eye out for any potential flaw in this plan, but Kerry was playing his part  _really well._ Not only had he gotten in close with Gavin and Dan, but he started hanging out with them frequently, in school and out. Any time they walked down the hallway, Dan's arm would be around Gavin and Kerry's shoulders, pulling them close as they laughed at whatever bullshit he spewed from his mouth. Any time they thought I was in the way, Dan would shove me or push me around; Kerry would help, but I didn't take it personally. If he was going to be  _in_ with them, he had to play the part.

Gavin never touched me and would barely look at me when this happened. Even as Dan tried to encourage him to get in 'a good punch or two' to my face he would just shake his head and stand around uncomfortably. I let Kerry sock me in the nose once, and even though it didn't hurt too badly I still acted as though he potentially broke it. Dan liked power, and if Kerry came off as this small, strong kid I knew he would trust Kerry even more. 

About halfway into Operation: Get Dan the Fuck Away from Gavin, or whatever the hell Geoff called it, one day in class I asked to be excused so I could use the restroom. I walked into the nearest one and made myself comfortable in a stall; the day's lunch just was not sitting with me very well. I heard the other two stalls flush and thought nothing of it until I heard, "So Dan, you and Gavin have been friends for a while, right?" It was Kerry.

"Yeah, since we were younger," Dan replied.  _Who the fuck has this conversation in a bathroom?_

"So have you always been close, or...?

There was a pause. "There was a brief period of time, before he moved to America, that we didn't get along."

"Oh?" Genuine curiosity filled Kerry's tone and I was impressed at his level of acting. He could put Gavin to shame. "Why's that?"

The sound of water running filled the room for a few moments. It stopped and then I heard the paper towel rack as Dan grabbed for something to dry his hands. "Let's just say, Gavin leads a lifestyle that I don't agree with."

"But you're his friend, aren't you supposed to care about him no matter what, even if you don't agree with something he likes?"

Dan sighed, seemingly out of annoyance. "I never said I really cared about him, Kerry." His voice had lowered significantly and I had to struggle just to catch what he said.

"But... you guys seem so close..."

"Were. We  _were_ close. Then he decided he wanted to be a faggot and that changed everything. Why couldn't he have just been normal?" Dan's voice steadily grew louder and there was obvious anger simmering underneath his words. "When he came out, you know how that looked on  _me?_ Me, who was his best friend? His preference reflected back on me, so he wasn't the only one who was getting picked on. So I stopped associating with him and decided to just leave him to fend for himself because I couldn't take being known as the 'faggot's fuck buddy.'" 

"So if you don't like him, why the hell are you acting like you do?" Kerry asked, clearly shocked by Dan's sudden outburst. 

"Isn't it obvious? I need him to help me establish connections here, to help further my life in this country. He may be a dick lover but he's a dick lover with connections. Beggars can't be choosers."

"When you get on your feet, you're just going to, what, cut ties with him?" 

"Yep." No remorse. No guilt. No feeling. "Look, you may not understand now, but when you get into a situation similar to mine, Kerry, you'll understand." I heard a couple slapping sounds, like he was slapping Kerry's cheeks, and then the door opened and shut, leaving the bathroom quiet. 

"Oh my god," I heard Kerry whisper. I quickly pulled up my pants and zipped, bursting from the stall. 

"Please tell me you got that on tape," I begged, searching him for the tape recorder he was supposed to have on him at all times. His face fell momentarily before turning into a mischievous grin as he pulled the recorder from his jacket pocket.  

"Who's the best guy you know?" he asked. 

"Geoff,' I responded, smirking at him. His shit-eating grin disappeared and I just laughed, slinging my arm around his shoulders. "Only joking. Kerry you are an absolute fucking genius, and I didn't even plan to be here when you confronted him."

"Thanks, Michael. I'm glad I can help." He smiled at me as we exited the bathroom. My heart did an unexpected thud of hope in my chest. Maybe, just maybe, this hair-brained plan of ours will work.

* * *

 

I gave the others the news at lunch that we had gotten what we wanted, that our plan was  _working,_ and I could tell that Geoff was trying really hard to not celebrate right there at the table. "I could just kiss Kerry right now," he said giddily, his hands shaking with excitement. I gave him a sly look and he quickly said, "I won't, but fuck I didn't think he would actually pull it off, you know?"

"The funny thing is that I didn't even plan to be there when he confronted Dan; I just happened to have to take a shit and it was going down, you know?" I laughed, face flushed with excitement. 

"Were you yelling 'timber?'" Tina joked. I stared at her and face-palmed, shaking my head.

"Please slap yourself for that joke," Lindsay grimaced, laughing into her hands. Ray high-fived Tina and she was grateful that at least one person appreciated her humor. 

"I'm honestly shocked that it didn't take the full week and a half or whatever to get Dan to crack," Geoff admitted. "I guess he's not as good as we originally thought." Griffon came by just then and pecked Geoff on the cheek, taking the empty seat next to him. 

"I just walked past their table and they're talking about prom," she informed us, pulling out her lunch. "Dan was making some rude comment about how you were going to have to walk in alone and how 'sad' that was. I was tempted to butt in and tell him that tagging along as a third wheel was just as pathetic." 

"Doesn't he know that Michael and I are going together?" asked Tina, confused. She shrugged.

"I guess not. Or if he's heard then he's choosing to ignore it or not believe it. I think he wants to think you're still too broken up over Gavin to function."

"I mean," I said, "I'm still really sad, and it hurts to think about him but... I'm doing much better. I guess he doesn't know I'm on anti-depressants either." Tina rubbed my back and gave me a reassuring look. 

"I just thought of something that will wipe the smile right off Dan's stupid face," Lindsay said suddenly, a sparkle in her eyes as she observed Tina and me. I shrunk back away from her look and into Tina's side. 

"Okay, now I'm afraid. What exactly did you have in mind?" I asked hesitantly. She grinned.

"Well, since apparently Dan has no clue you guys are going together, why don't you and Tina walk over to their table and inform the little shit that you won't be going alone because Tina asked you? I think they're still talking about you, since he keeps pointing at your back. I've glared at him and flipped him off but the dick face doesn't know when to give up."

"What's Gavin doing?" I asked. Ryan and Jack were in the library, finishing up a last minute homework assignment, so there was a clear view of Gavin's table. 

"He's just picking at his food; he smile sometimes but I know it's like.. not a true Gavin smile. Kerry's doing a fantastic job of playing along and not making Dan suspect a thing." 

Tina tugged at my arm. "Let's do it, it'll be funny. It can be like that scene from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the movie not the book, where Hermione's all, 'believe it or not, I won't be going alone because someone's asked me. And I said yes!'," she laughed. I raised an eyebrow at her an shook my head.

"So I'm essentially Hermione Granger and you're Victor Krum, is that right?" 

"Of course; you've got the right color hair and style to be Hermione," she teased, nudging me with her shoulder. 

"If I go over there and make a scene about how Tina asked me to prom, it'll just be more wise cracks about how I wasn't man enough to ask a girl out and I don't want to have to deal with that shit," I complained. 

"Well, it was a good plan when I came up with it in my head," Lindsay admitted, taking a drink of her water. 

"We could still do it, but do it differently," Tina suggested. "Lindsay, Griffon, and I could walk past their table and talk really loudly about our dates."

Griffon stood up and pulled Lindsay and Tina with her, locking her arms through theirs. "Let's go, I wanna wipe that smug grin off that fucker's face." The girls then chose the most direct path to walk past their table, chatting and giggling the whole way there. I saw Dan's expression turn to one of confusion when he saw them walking his way and he locked eyes with me, clearly having no idea what the fuck was going on. I just waved and raised both middle fingers in explanation. We could hear them talking, even being a few feet away. 

"So Griffon, do you have your dress yet?" Tina asked as they stopped by their table. Lindsay pulled out her phone, pretending to check some text messages to give them an excuse to stop. 

"I do, I got it the other day. What about you? You're going to prom, right?" Tina nodded, her smile growing wider with excitement. I saw her eyes flicker towards Dan before she answered.

"I am; Michael asked me, actually." Lindsay fake gasped, pressing a hand over her heart.

"Did he really? I didn't know that! That's so exciting, Tina!! You two are so cute together," Lindsay squealed, pulling Tina into a hug. 

"We're not dating, but I have a feeling he's going to ask me out after prom. We just seem to click together, you know? Unlike someone else I know," she all but shouted, pretending to look lovingly into the distance as she 'thought about me.'

Ray snickered. "She's really putting on the act, isn't she?"

"Yeah, but look at Dan's face. He looks absolutely  _livid._ " Sure enough, Dan's grip on his phone was extra tight as he glared in my direction, clearly unhappy that I wouldn't be miserable at prom like he had hoped.

"I'm glad you two are going together; I mean, I know he really wanted to go with someone else but those plans kind of fell through," Lindsay quipped, not even bothering to hide the fact that she was staring directly at Gavin. He ducked his head and stared at the table, the grip on his fork tightening. Dan leaned over and whispered something in his ear, motioning to Kerry as the three got up and dumped their trays, walking to the doors to leave the cafeteria. Dan probably wanted to get Gavin out before he had a chance to second-guess the truth behind Dan's words. 

As Dan passed our table he knocked into me, spilling his drink all over the back of my shirt. I freaked out a little at the ice cold feeling that now covered my back and Ray restrained me as I was about to get up and beat the living shit out of Dan, not caring one bit if I got suspended. 

"It's not going to work, you know, your little 'date' idea. You and I both know that you're strictly into guys and this is all just a ploy to get Gavin back. Well, believe you me when I say you're way out of your league and Gavin is too far gone to save. All I've got to decide now is when I should break ties with Gavin. Should I do it before graduation? After? How about right before his debut as Romeo in _Romeo and Juliet_? Yeah, that will really make him lose his focus and fuck up in front of the whole school. Nice try, Mikey, but I will always be one step ahead of you," he whispered in my ear before walking away, Gavin at his heels and Kerry making up the rear.

Kerry turned around briefly and gave me a knowing smile before disappearing out of sight. Despite the fact that my shirt was now soaked I grinned at Geoff and Ray. The girls came back just then with wads of napkins as they tried to soak up the water from my shirt. Tina looked ready to put Dan in a body bag on a plane back to England like Ryan had first suggested.

"Does that asshole really think he can just walk in here and ruin your life, ruin Gavin's life (under Gavin's own abnormally large nose, mind you) and then continue to taunt you like that? Fucking prick," she scowled, squeezing at the hem of my shirt. I knew it would dry eventually which was why I wasn't worried about it.

"There's one thing he doesn't know, though," I said, looking around at my friends.  _Friends. I wish Gavin could still be included in that group._

"What's that?"

"We're the ones who are one step ahead."


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So wow,um, yeah, this is the longest chapter I’ve ever written, which is appropriate since I consider this the climax of the story. There’s about about 2 more chapters before this ends, so keep holding on for just a little bit longer okay? 
> 
> Songs for this Chapter: Tee Shirt by Birdy and A Thousand Years by Christina Perri because I listened to those while writing and they fit so well.

When I was sixteen and naive, just beginning to realize I had a crush on Gavin, my mind immediately drifted to our senior year. I questioned if we would still be in contact once we graduated, or if we would even get to the point where we became friends before then. I day-dreamed of the day where I would finally get up the nerve to ask him out, not even once asking myself whether or not he was straight or gay because in my mind he was gay. In my mind, he had a crush on me too. I thought about how everyone would be jealous of our relationship, how they would whisper with envy as we walked down the hallway giggling, holding hands, and whispering excitedly to one another words that other students would never get to hear. I dreamed of our first kiss, and never did I imagine that it would be when we were both intoxicated, ruining a lot of the romantic aspect of my dream.

Prom would come around, and Gavin and I would speak to each other about tie and vest colors, how we would show up, walking together when they announced the seniors and their dates. We would take to the dance floor to have fun with our friends, laughing as Ray tried to flirt with some girls who had shown up single. Lindsay would be there with her date, whoever he was, and Geoff would be with Griffon, looking at each other as though they were the only two left in the world. A slow song would play, then, and the dance floor would get significantly less crowded. I could hear grumbles of guys who didn't want to dance a slow song with their dates and the girls would protest in response, promising empty threats until they would finally give in and hold the girl close as they swayed to whatever 'bullshit the DJ was playing' at the time. 

Gavin would take my hand and lead me to the floor and I would wrap my arms around his neck and his around my waist and we would sway to the music. Geoff would wink at me teasingly and make kissing motions and I would flip him off behind Gavin's back, which would cause a mood-ruining cackle from Geoff until Griffon glared at him and he apologized for making me uncomfortable even though all I wanted to do was lean in and kiss Gavin, uncaring of who could see us. He would lean down and rest his head on my shoulder and I would whisper in his ear sweet nothings as we danced and when the song was over I would whine because who knows how long the next one would be and Gavin would just laugh and pull me toward the punch table because I looked thirsty. 

At the end of the night Geoff would drop us back at my house and Gavin and I would lay in my bed, holding one another after we changed into our pajamas. The window would be open, letting in the warm Spring breeze and the moon would shine brightly through the blinds, casting shadows on the wall. I would trace unimportant shapes on his stomach and he would chuckle if I reached a particularly sensitive spot and he would kiss my forehead after I apologized because there was nothing to be sorry for, he was simply a ticklish knob. We would fall asleep and I would sleep more soundly than I've slept in my entire life. I would wake before Gavin and get to admire how peaceful he looked asleep before I realized I had to piss and then I would have to reluctantly get out of bed, waking him in the process. 

I sighed to myself as I buttoned up my shirt, staring at myself in the mirror. It's funny how quickly things are susceptible to change. My mom walked by my room and stopped in the doorway, admiring me with a few tears shining in her eyes. 

"Look at my little man, all grown up," she cooed emotionally, stepping into the room and taking the tie from the bed. She wrapped it around me and began to fix it, as she knew I was helpless when it came to ties. I stood still as she pulled and tugged, smiling softly at her as she looked at me with proud eyes. "I'm sorry your father can't be here to fuss over you too."

"It's okay mom; I mean, last minute business trips aren't something you can exactly prevent. Besides, I think he would just roll his eyes at you  and make some comment about how you were getting too emotional, all the while he's fighting back tears himself," I joked as she stepped back to admire her work. She nodded once and I leaned over to grab the jacket of my suit, slipping it on. I tugged and adjusted until the suit looked right on me and even then I was still not really feeling it. I didn't like wearing formal attire; there was just so much to it and I was a really low maintenance type of guy. 

"Is everyone meeting here?" she asked, picking up some of my dirty things from the floor out of motherly habit. I nodded.

"Yeah, Geoff and Ray are picking up Griffon, Lindsay, and Tina and then they're going to come here for the pictures I know you're going to want to take. Don't give me that look, I saw the camera you not so subtlely tried to hide downstairs." She smiled innocently at me and walked towards me, reaching out a hand to smooth down the one fucking curl in my hair that didn't want to cooperate. "I've tried everything I can to subdue that stubborn curl and it's just not happening."

"Just like your father; there's always one piece that won't adhere to hairspray or gel or anything," she sighed fondly, finally finished with my hair and moving on to straighten any invisible wrinkles from my suit. "You look handsome, Michael. I can't believe it's your senior prom; it seems like only yesterday you were riding your bicycle, shouting at us to watch you because it was the first time you had ridden all by yourself."

"Mom, please, not the 'oh my baby' thing that all mothers do; save that for my wedding," I begged, pulling her into a hug.  _If I ever get married, that is._

She chuckled into my shoulder. "I love you."

"Love you too."

The doorbell rang just then and she pulled away, excitement shining in her eyes as she rushed to answer the door. I heard my friends greet her, and squeals from my mother as she took in the girls' dresses and how dashing Geoff and Ray looked in their tuxes no doubt. "Where's Michael?" asked Ray faintly. I spritzed some cologne on and grabbed my wallet and keys and a few breath freshening strips, just in case. I headed downstairs slowly, becoming more and more nervous as I neared their excited voices. 

"There he is!" Geoff yelled as I reached the bottom and I didn't have any time to take in the scene before me before Lindsay came barreling towards me ( _in heels for God's sake_ ) and slammed into me, throwing her arms around my neck.  _  
_

"You look so handsome," she whispered and I grinned into her neck, tightening my hug around her waist. She pulled back and beamed at me, allowing me to take her appearance in fully. She was wearing a dark blue dress, one-shoulder dress that puffed out towards the bottom, and had thousands of sparkles as though it were imitating the night sky. Her red hair was done in a half up, half down style and curled at the bottom. She didn't need make-up but I could tell she was wearing some, which made her smile pop even more on her face. 

"You look beautiful, Lindsay," I said in awe, chuckling when Ray came over and placed a hand on her waist. His tie and vest matched her dress exactly. 

"Hey now, don't be putting any moves on my lady here," he warned teasingly. I rolled my eyes. 

"You're lucky she even said yes to you, you asshole," I laughed, nudging him. He smiled brightly and tightened his grip. 

"Well no one asked me and you didn't have the balls to ask anyone, so I'll take what I can get," Lindsay smirked at Ray, his jaw dropping at her comment. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm honored to be your prom date."

"Ahem," someone coughed. I looked in the direction of the noise and was stunned into absolute silence and awe. Tina stood by the couch, smiling softly at me and rolling her eyes at the fact I didn't immediately notice her. Her hair was curled, pinned in strategic places with smatterings of glitter causing the dark curls to shine. Her dress made her skin pop and the heels made her seem taller than she was. She wore a simple necklace around her neck and earrings, and only had minimal amounts of makeup on because she didn't need it and she knew it. 

Tina was absolutely stunning. 

I eyed Ray out of my peripheral vision and noticed that he couldn't take his eyes off of her. Lindsay noticed too and gave him a nudge with her elbow, causing him to snap out of his trance. He grinned sheepishly at her while she wiggled her eyebrows jokingly.

"Yeah, yeah, we're all a bunch of attractive fucks. I think Michael's mom wants some photos," Geoff finally said, chuckling at all four of us with his arm around Griffon's waist. She wore a simple black dress, but she radiated elegance. My mom stood off to the side with her camera, shaking her head at us all while smiling proudly. We exchanged corsages and boutonnieres. before allowing her to direct us how she wanted us to be for the pictures.

She had us pose for way too many photos and my mouth started to cramp up from smiling so much.  "Mom, can we go now? Please?" I begged. She sighed and put down the camera, pulling me in for a hug.

"I suppose so. Go and have fun; I won't wait up." 

We said goodbye to her and hustled outside into the evening air, piling into Geoff's car. We chatted with each other during the entire ride to the restaurant and during our meal. Whenever I would stare off into space, or became nervous about what was going to happen tonight at the dance, Tina would place a reassuring hand on my knee under the table and squeeze, reminding me that I wasn't alone in this. They were in it with me because they wanted to see me happy. 

Once we were done eating we made the short journey to the school, following behind the endless stream of cars and limos to the parking lot. Geoff found a spot way out in fucking nowhere and turned off the car. "Alright guys, Ryan and Jack are already here with Gavin, Dan, and Kerry. Ryan's got it set up so that right before the King and Queen are announced, Kerry's audio tape will start playing out of the speakers for everyone to hear. Hopefully, if Gavin isn't as much of a fucking moron as he seems to be, he'll realize what's being said, turn on Dan, and then Michael will swoop in and save the day. Got it?" We nodded. "Let's go have some fun." 

* * *

 

We walked into the gym, which had been transformed into  _A Night to Remember_ , complete with all of the cliche prom decorations you could imagine. The DJ was playing some upbeat dance tune and there were already couples gathered on the floor grinding against each other, much to the teachers' dismay. I spotted asshole one and asshole two at a table with Barbara, Ryan, and Jack. There wasn't really anyone that they had their eye on to take to prom, so they came stag; although I did see Jack eyeing a small senior girl named Caiti a few times. 

Tina pulled me onto the dance floor almost immediately, squealing something about how she loved the song and how it was her jam and I reluctantly let her drag me even though I didn't know who sung it or any of the lyrics. The beat was infectious, however, and I soon found myself busting moves I was unaware I could bust. The others joined in after a few moments, Geoff embarrassing Griffon as he joking tried to dance along, while Ray and Lindsay were dancing almost in perfect sync. "We practiced a little bit before so that we would at least not look like total fools!" she yelled at me when I raised an eyebrow at the two. I rolled my eyes and spun Tina around as we jokingly cut through a bunch of dancing couples. Some shouted at us, others just laughed as they jokingly called us choice names. 

"So have you seen Gavin yet?" Tina asked while we danced. I nodded. 

"Yeah, he seemed to be joking around with Barbara the last time I saw them; of course, Dan was attached like a fucking leech to them," I scoffed. 

"Well yeah, he can't let his little project out of his sight," she said bitterly. 

"He looks nice in his tux though," I admitted softly. Tina looked me in the eyes and smiled.

"He does, you're right. You can tell him that once we get rid of Dan. I'm sure he'd tell you the same thing because fuck, Michael, you look dashing. If you didn't just like men I would ravish you right here, right now on the dance floor. Fuck who's watching, I'd make an honest man out of you," she joked, meowing playfully at me. 

"If you're gonna ravish anybody, ravish Ray. Poor dude's got it bad for you," I told her, grinning when her eyes found him on the other end of the floor. Her eyes sparkled with what came across as the promise of a future relationship with the Puerto Rican. "And, if I'm not just fucking blind, you like him too."

"Maybe a little," she confessed. "He's adorable and funny, just my type. Maybe once I'm done with you I'll try a more real thing with Ray. What do you think?" I pulled her in close for a hug.

"That sounds like a fantastic idea, Tina. Ray will certainly be pleased."

Principal Burns walked up to the microphone just them, motioning for the DJ to lower the music. "Alright seniors, it's time to find your dates and line up for the walk. Juniors, you can stay in here or go to the auditorium to watch. I think there are several parents already seated and waiting to see them walk. The Senior Farewell Walk will begin in fifteen minutes, so hustle or you'll miss your opportunity to walk," he concluded, and the DJ raised the volume up once more.

I regrouped everybody and we walked together to the auditorium, chatting amongst ourselves. I wrapped my arm around Tina's shoulders as we walked, holding her close so she wouldn't fall in her heels. We passed through the doorway that led to backstage and got in a line, waiting anxiously with the other seniors who had their dates by their sides (or were alone, if they were unfortunate enough to not have acquired one.) I didn't realize we were standing a few in line behind Dan, Gavin, and Barb until I heard, "I don't think my mum gives two fucks about this walk, Dan."

"Nonsense, she cares about you, right? Of course she'll show up." I bit my tongue in order not to lash out and ask him exactly what he knows about caring for Gavin because he sure as hell doesn't know shit. Tina squeezed my hand after noticing my painful self-control. 

"We'll deal with him later, Michael," she whispered to me and I simply nodded, staring daggers at the back of Dan's head. Soon the walk began and everyone took their minute in the spotlight, posing in weird positions or doing some stupid action that their parents would remember for quite some time. Barbara and Gav walked out arm in arm with Dan lurking behind them, looking like some creepy chaperone. 

I had to cough a few times in order to contain my laughter, while Geoff didn't even bother. 

Geoff and Griffon walked out to claps and cheers, and he surprised everyone by kissing her on the lips and then picking her up, carrying her off the stage, much to everyone's laughter. Ray and Lindsay were next, not bothering with any kind of shenanigans, although Ray did pull out a fresh red rose and hand it to her on stage before whisking her away. It was Tina's and my turn to walk now and I began to shake slightly, bothered with nerves. I knew Dan was out there somewhere waiting until it was my turn. He was wishing I would fall or do something embarrassing so he could laugh at me, I know it...

"Just walk out there and smile," Tina told me before leading me out from behind the curtain. There were cheers and whistles, although I heard one lone 'boo' from the back. I just rolled my eyes and continued walking.  _This isn't too bad, I guess._ I surprised everyone, including myself, when I bent down and planted a kiss on Tina's cheek, resulting in a few 'aww's from the parents and students in the crowd. She just smiled widely at me as we exited the stage, the adrenaline still pumping in my body.

"That wasn't so bad," I laughed. Geoff slapped me on the back twice.

"That was a good move with the kiss; Gavin's face drained of all color when you did that and then Dan all but pushed him out the doors. He looked furious as dicks," he told me. "If you ask me, Gavin still has feelings for you, Dan's just too much of a prick to go away and stop being a fucking parasite."

"Where were Ryan and Jack?" I asked, remembering I didn't see them at the walk.

"They're setting everything up as we speak," Geoff said, grinning evilly. "In about an hour, Dan will be wishing he was on a plane back to England; and if all goes to plan, Gavin may just try to send him back in the body bag Ryan was talking about."

I shook my head. "What is it with you guys wanting Dan's battered corpse on a plane? You guys scare me sometimes." 

"You love us though, dickhead. Come on, let's head back so we can get rid of Dan for good."

* * *

 

We spent the better part of the hour dancing and laughing, stopping to catch our breath occasionally. There was one moment when I went to the snack table to grab some punch for Tina and me when I was alone with Gavin, who was also grabbing some punch for Barb. He hadn't danced at all that night, even though I saw Barb constantly try and get him to go dance with her. He just shrugged it off and threw a weak smile her way. Dan jumped up and offered her his arm instead and she took it, dancing with him instead, leaving Gavin with Jack and Ryan at their table. 

"Hey," I said softly after a few moments of silence. He looked at me for a second and shrugged a greeting at me. "How are you?"

"Top," he spat bitterly, though there seemed to be a layer of guilt hiding underneath his word. I flinched at his tone, almost spilling the drinks I had in my hands. 

"Look, Gavin, you haven't even given me a chance to explain to you..."I started before he shook his head and began walking away.

"I've got to get back to Barbara," was all he said before he was out of earshot. I grit my teeth, annoyed at the Brit. He wouldn't even give me a chance to explain. I hoped if I could just talk to him that maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't have to go through with playing the tape recorder in front of everybody, but he was leaving me with absolutely no choice.

I walked over to our table and handed Tina her drink, which she took gratefully and took a large gulp. Her face was sweaty from dancing with Lindsay and Griffon, having jumped up when 'Turn Down for What' started playing. We just shook our heads and laughed at the girls as they tried to dance to it; they ended up just doing some synchronized head bob thing and sliding left or right. A few couples joined their dance line which made for a hilarious sight. 

I heard footsteps behind me and was greeted with Ryan's bulky frame, Jack lurking just behind him. "It's almost time; they're about to go up to the microphone and announce King and Queen. Are you ready?" he asked, looking at me. I swallowed nervously and nodded, determined to see just whether or not it was possible to win Gavin back. "Alright; when Principal Burns is about to announce who won King I'll press the button and the recording will play. Time to get rid of this fucker for good." We nodded and they went back to their table. Dan was looking over at us, a suspicious look to his eyes, but I ignored him. I was preparing myself to pick up Gavin's pieces once he finally heard Dan say what we've known for months.

After one more song, the music was lowered once more as Principal Burns took the stage with the student body president, some girl who I shared a few classes with. She held a pillow with two crowns, one for the King and one for the Queen. "Now's the moment you've all been waiting for, the announcement of Prom King and Queen." He pulled out two notecards that held the names of both winners. "Prom King goes to..."

_"So Dan, you and Gavin have been friends for a while, right?"_

_"Yeah, since we were younger."_

_"So have you always been close, or...?"_

_"There was a brief period of time, before he moved to America, that we didn't get along."_ I saw Gavin perk up as he looked around wildly, wondering what the fuck was happening. The students were muttering amongst themselves as they recognized Kerry and Dan's voices from the recording. All of the color drained from Dan's face.

_"Oh? Why's that?"_

_"Let's just say, Gavin leads a lifestyle that I don't agree with."_ Gavin looked accusingly at Dan who said nothing but begun to stare daggers at me, regardless of the pure fear I saw in his eyes. I saw Gavin shouting angrily at Dan, receiving absolutely no response. 

_"But you're his friend, aren't you supposed to care about him no matter what, even if you don't agree with something he likes?"_

_"I never said I really cared about him, Kerry."_ Gavin stood abruptly, knocking his chair back and shouting at Dan with even more intensity. Again, he was met with no response. I saw Gavin's eyes shine with tears and I longed to get up and embrace him, telling him that everything would be okay and that I was here for him -  I would always be there for him. But I kept my seat, knowing that he needed to hear the full thing.

_"But... you guys seem so close..."_

I knew what part was coming up next.

_"Were. We were close. Then he decided he wanted to be a faggot and that changed everything. Why couldn't he have just been normal? When he came out, you know how that looked on me? Me, who was his best friend? His preference reflected back on me, so he wasn't the only one who was getting picked on. So I stopped associating with him and decided to just leave him to fend for himself because I couldn't take being known as the 'faggot's fuck buddy.'"_  Gasps could be heard all around the room and the look on Gavin's face broke my heart. He was freely crying now, yelling even harder at Dan through his tears. I caught a few words, 'I trusted you', 'supposed to be my friend', and 'fucking liar, I hate you' as he shook with anger.

_"So if you don't like him, why the hell are you acting like you do?"_

_"Isn't it obvious? I need him to help me establish connections here, to help further my life in this country. He may be a dick lover but he's a dick lover with connections. Beggars can't be choosers."_

Gavin didn't even stick around to hear the rest of the conversation; he raised an arm back and decked Dan across the face, running from the gym. I stood there, shocked at Gavin's punch (which, from my viewpoint looked like it may have broken his nose) before Tina shook my arm and nodded towards were Gavin ran. I jumped up and sprinted in his direction, flinging myself through the doors. I asked a few students if they had seen Gavin and they all pointed me towards the exit doors. Sure enough Gavin was outside against a wall, jacket flung across the parking lot and tie loosened as he just sat and sobbed.

I walked over quietly and sat next to him, careful not to bump against him should he flinch away from the contact. I took off my jacket too and loosened my tie, the night air still somewhat humid. I fought with myself over what to say, over how to bring up what just happened. 

"It's humid out huh," was what left my mouth. I panicked, okay? Gavin raised his head up, tears streaming down his face, and laughed weakly.

"I feel like the biggest fucking idiot on Earth, and you want to talk about the weather?" he joked before crying some more. I raised an arm and paused before I put it around his shoulders. He didn't hesitate, leaning into me and crying into my shirt as I held him close. I rubbed his back and murmured soft words to him, allowing him to cry as much as he wanted. I didn't give a shit about my shirt; Gavin could ruin ever single clothing item I owned and I would love him still.

"I'm sorry Michael," he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear him.

"Shh. It's okay, Gavin," I whispered, running a hand through his hair. 

"No it's not okay," he wailed. "I treated you awfully, I let Dan push you around, I didn't listen to you. I let him manipulate me all because I knew him before you and I thought he would never betray me like that, but he did anyway. You guys tried to tell me and I didn't care. How can you guys not hate me?"

"I mean yeah, we were pretty fucking frustrated that you couldn't see what was happening, but how were you to know that he would turn against you? He's a pretty smooth talker, I'll give him that much," I admitted. "But Gavin, we could never hate you; I was really upset at seeing what Dan was doing to you."

"I feel so stupid."

"Well at least now you know how he is," I muttered against the top of his head. "At least now you believe me when I tell you that I would never have told anybody your secret. At least not without revealing my own." He raised his head up at those words, sniffling slightly. His eyes were puffy and red from crying and I reached out a thumb to wipe away a stray tear.

"Your s-secret?" I nodded.

"I haven't told you yet because I was scared, scared that I was just going to get my hopes up and you were going to laugh in my face or try and play it off like you did that night we got drunk. It just took a lot of pep talks and ass kicking from Geoff and Tina to get me to this point, the point where I was comfortable enough to tell you."

"Tell me what, Michael?"  _Micoo._ My heart fluttered and the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. I haven't heard him say my name like that in a very long time.

"I like you, dumbass," I said smiling, locking onto his eyes. "I've liked you for two fucking years and I never thought I stood a chance because you were this rude son of a bitch, even though I knew you had a soft side to you also. I thought you were way out of my league, that you liked girls, and then you posted that one night that you were bi-sexual and I got my hopes up once more. The party was just a gateway for our friendship to blossom, even if it ended badly. We grew close and I grew to realize that I liked you even more one I got to know you. I loved your laugh, the way you sucked at video games, the way you said my name. Your true personality shined through and I just... fuck, Gavin, I fell hard for you."

He stared in shock at me, mouth partially open. I caught him off guard with my admission and I began to worry that I said too much too fast and I moved back from him. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I just... okay I'll go back inside now," I said, beginning to get up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down to face him, pulling me so close that I could see all of the colors in his eyes. 

"Michael..." he whispered, cupping a hand to my cheek. I gulped, unable to break away from his stare.

"Y-yes Gavin?"

He smiled and caressed my cheek with his thumb. "I like you too." 

My heart all but stopped as the butterflies multiplied like crazy. My palms were sweaty but I didn't care, I just heard the words I've dreamed about for the past two years and I wasn't even asleep. At least, I didn't think I was. I pinched myself to make sure, and when pain shot up my arm I was one hundred percent sure all of this was real.

"You do?" I squeaked, suddenly hyper aware of the way Gavin's eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips.

"I've liked you for a while, boi. I don't know exactly when, but somewhere deep inside I've had a crush on you. My lovely little Michael." 

"So what now?" I whispered, wanting to just fucking close the gap and kiss that man senseless, but fuck I was still nervous and unsure and dumbfounded that Gavin actually liked me back because god damn what were those odds?

"Now, I get to do what I've wanted to do for a long bloody time, and this time without the alcohol" he replied, closing the distance and planting his soft lips on my own. I closed my eyes and melted into his embrace, wrapping my arms around his neck as we kissed. He ran his hands along my back, pulling me as close as I could get without ending up in his lap. It was pure bliss, everything I hoped for and more. I felt like I was on fire, and it wasn't because of the humidity. 

When we finally pulled away, both of us were panting, our cheeks flushed but our eyes bright with the promise of a future together. 

"You two are fucking idiots, it's about god damn time." We jumped apart, Gavin falling backwards and I banging my elbow against the wall. Geoff and the rest stood, watching us with amused and happy looks on their faces. 

"How long have you guys been watching us?" I snapped, wishing the hotness in my cheeks would just go away because I didn't want to die of embarrassment in front of Geoff. 

"Long enough," commented Tina, whose arm I noticed was wrapped around Ray's waist. I smiled at them and they gave me a knowing grin back. 

"You're a fucking creeper Geoff," I laughed, pulling Gavin up with me. He didn't let go of my hand and i honestly didn't want him to.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. They're about to announce King and Queen since it was, ahem,  _delayed_ by that little recording. Let's go see who won so we can leave," he said, motioning us to follow. 

Gavin and I did so without hesitation, walking hand in hand behind our friends.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got one more chapter lined out, the final chapter, and then this story shall come to a close. The final chapter should be posted on Friday some time, so be on the lookout for it. It will definitely be a long chapter because a lot is going to happen and a lot needs to be wrapped up. So don't be sad that this chapter is kind of short because you get hella Mavin cuddles and hella fluff. :)

Gavin and I walked hand in hand behind our friends and kept sneaking looks at each other out of the side of our eyes. He couldn't stop smiling at me and I at him because we were so fucking happy to just be in this place right now. I had dreamed for a long time that he would return my feelings, and now that it happened I felt like I was floating. I was on Cloud Nine and I didn't want to get off. 

"What happened to Dan?" Gavin asked suddenly, squeezing my hand. 

"He's still inside, nursing his nose," Geoff snickered. "Nice punch, by the way."

"Wait, he's still there?" I asked, startled. I thought for sure he would have high-tailed it out of there since he no longer had Gavin under his thumb.

"Yeah; although there are a lot of people unhappy with him. I think when we left to come find you two Barbara was absolutely laying into him. You haven't laughed until you've seen Dan cower under Barb's intense stare," he laughed. I shuddered at the image in my head. Barbara was gorgeous but she could be hell on two legs when she wanted to be.

"When did this happen?" I asked Tina, motioning to her and Ray. Ray just smiled down at her adoringly. 

"After you ran off to find Gavin," she responded, moving closer to Ray. "I just got up and sat down beside him and was all, 'Look. You like me. I like you. How are we going to fix this?' and he asked me out. Simple, huh?"

"Really? Wow, Ray, I didn't know you had it in you."

"Yeah," he laughed sheepishly. "Neither did I." We all chuckled at him as we entered back into the gym, a cluster of students gathered around the table where Dan was, the few chaperones desperately trying to break up the crowd. I could hear Barbara faintly when we entered and boy was she  _pissed._

"-you are an absolute piece of scum, you know that? All you did was use Gavin and turn him against his friends and you should be absolutely fucking ashamed of yourself. I can't believe I had you over at my  _house,_ you piece of shit. Don't even think about trying to apologize to Gavin because if you go near him Michael and I will break your face and send you back to England that way. Got it?" I didn't hear Dan's response but could only imagine him cowering in fear. She stormed away from him and walked over to where we were standing. She smiled softly at our locked hands. "It's about time," she told Gavin. "It was nice being your girlfriend and all, but I knew your heart wasn't in it. I wish both of you the best; you guys were made for each other." She hugged both of us tightly and made her way back through the crowd of students towards the snack table.

I just squeezed Gavin's hand tightly and dragged him towards the stage where the students were regrouping. Principal Burns still stood on the stage, arguing with the DJ as he figured out how the recording could have gotten patched into the speaker system. The poor guy looked so confused. I snuck a glance at Ryan and he just wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. "Alright, well... I don't know how that happened but now that it's over, I guess we can continue. As I was saying before, the title of Prom King goes to..." He pulled out the card with the name on it. "Mr. Gavin Free!"

Everyone cheered wildly as the spotlight shone on Gavin and I pulled him into a hug, even as he stood there, stunned from the announcement. "Me...? They voted me as Prom King?"

"Yes Gavin, you!" I shouted excitedly, laughing at how dumbfounded he was. I gave him a slight push towards the stage and he hurried up there like they were going to add, 'just kidding!' and announce someone else. He lowered his head as the girl lowered the crown on his head and he gave a shy wave to everyone in the audience. Principal Burns waited for the applause to die down before he opened the last card and read, "The title of Prom Queen goes to... Miss Barbara Dunkelman!" 

We gave squeals of delight as she quickly walked towards the stage, smiling brightly at the honor of being selected for the title. She towered in her heels over the girl with the crown so she squatted slightly to allow her to place it on her head. She pulled the girl into a hug before standing by Gavin and waving. The students still thought they were a couple and they were happy over the fact that they won the titles of King and Queen. I shook my head and smiled at Gavin,  _my_ Gavin, wearing his crown and looking happier than I've ever seen him. Geoff nudged me in the side and whispered, "I told you it would work out." I just looked at him and beamed, nodding my head.

"Yeah, you did. Thanks, Geoff."

"Anything for you, Michael. You deserve to be happy." I wiped away a fake tear from my eye at Geoff's sappy words and he shoved me, calling me a prick but laughing all the same. 

"Now it's time for the prom King and Queen's solo dance. Please clear the floor for them." We moved off around the edge of the dance floor as we prepared for them to walk down and come together, dancing to whatever slow song the DJ decided to play. I wasn't even upset that I wouldn't get to dance this song with Gavin because I knew that we had a lifetime of slow songs to dance to; what was it if I missed just this one?

Barbara hesitated as Gavin reached out for her hand to lead her down and then said something to Principal Burns who handed her the microphone. She cleared her throat. "Thank you all for voting me prom Queen, even though I think there are many more of you out there that deserve it. However, I can't dance with Gavin to this song, Mr. Burns, because there's someone else far more deserving of this honor." Everyone whispered in confusion at her words and I just looked at my friends, greeted with equally dumbfounded looks. "Michael Jones is the one who should be dancing with Gavin right now." 

The spotlight shown on me and I blinked rapidly, focusing on Barbara on the stage. She smiled as she descended the stairs and walked over to me, placing her crown on my head. "Go get him, Michael," she whispered in my ear before giving me a hug. I looked at Gavin who beamed brightly at me and felt my heart thud wildly.  _Our first slow dance together,_ I thought happily, my feet moving of their own accord to the guy I was crazy for. He walked down the stairs and took me by the hand, pulling me into the middle and wrapping his arms around my wait. The beginning notes of 'This' by Ed Sheeran began to play and we started to sway, unable to look away from each other's eyes. I never wanted to look away from those captivating eyes.

"This is our first slow song," he whispered to me, leaning his face into my neck. I pulled him even closer and sighed deeply. If I died right here, right now, I would die happy. 

"Hopefully this won't be our last," I replied. He pulled his head away and looked at me before leaning in and planting a soft kiss on my lips. I heard numerous 'aws' around us and a couple of squeals. Although there wasn't anyone else around as far as I was concerned. There was just me and Gavin, the only other person that mattered right now. 

_This is start of something beautiful  
You are the start of something new.._

* * *

 

When Geoff dropped me off at my house later that night (or, rather, that morning as it was past midnight) I was a little sad, because Gavin hadn't been able to come back here with me like I thought he would. He still had to take care of Dan and figure out where he was going to go now that he definitely wasn't welcomed around us or him anymore. He pulled me in for a slow kiss before he left me, promising that he would be able to stay over another night.

"Cheer up Michael," he said as I opened the passenger door. Tina and Ray were in the back, both having fallen asleep on one another sitting up. It was cute to look at, but even funnier when Geoff purposefully ran over pot holes. "At least you've got Gavin back. He's not going anywhere." I smiled weakly at Geoff and nodded, promising to text him later and make plans to record a video with him and Ray whenever we were all conscious. I walked to my door and unlocked it, greeted by the darkness of the living room. When I shut the door I leaned against it for a moment and placed a hand to my lips, remembering the feel of Gavin's on my own.

"Tonight was almost perfect," I whispered to myself before going to my room. I stripped out of my suit and threw on a shirt and shorts and crawled into bed, suddenly exhausted. It didn't take long for me to doze off, thinking about Gavin and Minecraft and randomly wondering if he went by LegitBrit online because wouldn't that just be ironic if he was the guy who won our giveaway to play with us in the game. I sleeping soundly and deeply, curled into a ball with the covers over all of me except from my nose up, when I heard my window open. I sat up, drowsy, and just made out a figure in the shadows. I reached wildly for something to defend myself with, although I came up handed, and suddenly heard, "Michael?" It was Gavin.

"Gavin? What the hell are you doing climbing in through my window like Romeo?" I asked, still half-asleep. He just chuckled. 

"Practicing for my part in the play next week, what else?" I flipped him off, thinking he couldn't see me, but was rewarded with a sarcastic gasp. "Well that's not very nice. No, you knob, I'm here to visit you, just like I said I would."

"But you said you wouldn't be able to stay tonight because of Dan."

"Ryan offered to make all the arrangements while I came over here to you, boi," he explained softly. I saw him move to the other side of the bed and sit hesitantly. "I'm all yours now."

"All mine?" I asked, a smile on my face in the dark. I saw him nod as he climbed under the covers next to me. 

"I'm your boi, Michael, and I'm not going anywhere."

We cuddled together in the dark, stealing kisses here and there. I didn't want to let him go, I wanted to always keep him beside me so I knew he would be safe and sound. The feeling of having someone next to me while I slept was one of the happiest feelings I've ever experienced. He ran his hand through my hair, occasionally getting caught in a tangled curl before smoothing it out, and I drew unimportant shapes on his stomach under his t-shirt, thinking of how I've been wanting this moment to happen for a long time. 

"Michael?" he whispered, just as I felt myself slowly drifting off to sleep. His hand still moved through my hair, causing me to hum contentedly. 

"Hmm?" I asked, unable to form actual words because I was in a state of pure bliss.

"I'm glad you're mine." I smiled with my eyes still closed and squeezed his free hand, locking his fingers with my own. "I mean it. Even after I made you depressed, even after I made you have to get pills to deal with it, to be happy again, you still believed in me. You still wanted me. I don't deserve someone as good as you."

"You deserve someone to make you happy," I murmured. "I know that I can make you happy no matter what, and I'm hoping that I can prove that to you for the rest of our lives."

"You do, Michael, you do make me happy; the happiest I've ever been actually." I leaned up and planted a sleepy kiss on his lips, lingering for a moment longer than necessary. 

"I'm glad you're mine, too," I whispered before laying back down, my head against his chest. 

"Goodnight, Michael."

"Oh, and Gavin?"

"Yes?"

"No amount of pills can make me as happy as you make me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs I listened to for this chapter:
> 
> This by Ed Sheeran and Silence of Siberia by Lowercase Noises.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, the long-awaited final chapter. I really hope you enjoy it, as I tried to wrap it up like I wanted to; I actually knew kind of how I wanted this to end, but writing it was so much fun because I added a lot of stuff in there that I thought needed to be there. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THERE FROM THE BEGINNING. I know it hasn’t always been the best story ever, but to those who tell me they love it, THANK YOU. Be on the look out for the college AU I’m going to be posting soon, and enjoy the final chapter of Here I Am. It was a pleasure to write this story. xo
> 
> Songs: Oh My Stars by Andrew Belle and, of course, We’re All In This Together (Graduation Version) from HSM3. <3

"Ray, what the fuck is that?"

It was opening night of Gavin's play and Ray, Geoff, Griffon, Tina, Lindsay, Ryan, Jack, and myself had all just arrived in the parking lot to walk in the auditorium together. Ray opened the trunk of Geoff's car and pulled out what looked like a sign that said 'You Can Do It, Gav!' in bold, black sharpie. He looked at me, oblivious to my confusion at his sign. "It's a sign for Gavin, you know, to show support." I face-palmed and wrenched the sign from his hands, throwing it back into the trunk and slamming it shut.

"This is a play, not a god damn football game," I laughed, smacking him on the back of the head. "If you bring that inside you're going to look like a total idiot and we're going to have to make you walk home."

"Not to mention if you hold it up people behind us won't be able to see, and Gavin probably won't see it anyway," Geoff added while snickering. Ray frowned, looking legitimately sad that he couldn't bring his sign inside. Tina squeezed his hand reassuringly. 

"You can always give it to him after, babe," she said, smiling. He brightened up considerably and nodded, pulling Tina along as they walked towards the building. I rolled my eyes and walked along with everyone else, Lindsay wrapping an arm around my shoulders. 

"Are you nervous for him?"

I nodded. "I mean, I know he's going to just absolutely slay the part of Romeo but it's still kind of nerve-wracking. There's always the chance he'll mess up a line or something, you know?"

"That's just part of dating somebody," Geoff said. "When Griffon does all of her creative shit it makes me a nervous wreck because I think she's going to mess up." Griffon slapped his arm playfully and he pulled her to him, kissing her lips gently. My heart thumped as I watched, anxious for the end of the play when I could run and embrace  _my_ Romeo. We walked inside, chatting amongst ourselves as we took our seats. We greeted a few people in passing as we waited for it to begin and I made sure my phone was on silent. God forbid my phone go off during it; my ringtone was currently set to Quagmire's "giggity", thanks to Ray and Geoff, and I just have yet to change it. I noticed Ryan put his phone away after pouting when he saw me change my volume settings. I just grinned, knowing there would have been at least one person determined to make my phone go off.

The lights dimmed and the curtain opened, spotlight shining. We sat back and enjoyed the first parts of the play; my heart did a dance and I smiled once Gavin made his first appearance on stage. He looked dashing, even while wearing the silly costume, and he said all of his lines with precision and focus. Although the play itself was, in my opinion, downright stupid (who meets a girl and automatically falls in love with her and then kills themselves three days later? I mean, the fuck, Shakespeare?) Gavin pulled it off well, as did the other cast, including the play's Juliet, a girl from one of my classes named Megan. 

When the play was finished, all of the cast came out and bowed together as we gave them a standing ovation. I cheered the loudest when Gavin came out and he noticed me, smiling even wider than he already was if that was possible. Lindsay nudged me when everyone began gathering their things and the actors came out into the crowd to talk to family and friends. Gavin was making his way to where we were and I just wanted to pull him to me and tell him what an absolute fucking great job he did and that I was so,  _so_ proud of him.

"I'm really glad you guys came!" he said once he reached us. Tina pulled him into a hug, catching him off guard, but he reciprocated, laughing into her shoulder. 

"Of course we made it! It's not like we've got better things to do!" Tina scoffed, beaming at the Brit. Lindsay leaned in for a hug next, followed by slaps on the back by the guys. Ray handed Gavin a single red rose, earning a confused look from him.

"What? I couldn't afford a whole dozen," he explained. "Hey, if you don't want it I can take it back." Gavin held the rose protectively to his chest and told Ray he would treasure it forever (or at least for as long as he kept it alive. Ray nodded, satisfied, and told me that he and the others would be waiting outside for us once we were done talking. I nodded and they left, Ryan throwing a suggestive look over his shoulder at me. 

"Fucking idiots," I muttered under my breath before facing the love of my life. I stepped closer to him, and he to me, and finally I just pulled him into a hug, burying my face in his shoulder. He smelled nice and clean, a total Gavin smell. He was a little sweaty from being underneath the lights for so long, and from moving around the stage a lot, but he smelled fantastic and that was all that mattered. "You were an absolute perfect Romeo."

"Does that make you my Juliet?" he teased. I pulled away from him and gave him a 'what the fuck' look. He laughed at my facial expression. "I'm only joking, Michael. You would look terrible with long hair."

"Very funny," I said, pulling him close to me once more. I really wanted to kiss him, to just melt into his embrace, but I knew that there were a lot of people around who probably weren't fond of gays, so I refrained, albeit difficultly. "Come on, let's go back to Ryan's and celebrate. Ray has something for you in the car, by the way." I snickered, thinking of his sign in the trunk, and dragged Gavin outside and to the vehicles where the others were just hanging out.

"It's about time," Jack said, leaning against Ryan's car. "I thought we would have to send somebody in after you."

"We were just talking, not fucking on the floor, Jack," I commented, resulting in a high pitched laugh from Geoff. "Ray, go ahead and give Gavin your present." He opened the trunk and pulled out the sign, showing it proudly to Gavin.

"The guys wouldn't let me bring it inside, something about blocking people's view," he scoffed. I rolled my eyes. "But here you go, if you want it." He handed it to Gavin and he took it gratefully, admiring it. 

"This is nice, Ray, thank you. I'll find somewhere to put it." We hopped in our vehicles and stopped by somewhere to grab food, seeing as we were all starving, and headed back to Ryan's to celebrate. 

"So, my parents aren't home and I've got booze," Ryan commented mischievously as he unlocked his door. We all cheered as we entered, setting out food down on the table and taking various spots on the couch and floor in Ryan's game room. He left briefly and came back with bottles of alcohol, beer mostly, and began passing them around (Ray politely declined and stuck with his Mountain Dew, remembering very clearly the last time he got drunk.) Gavin quickly set up a game of Halo, Geoff and Jack choosing to eat their food while playing. I scarfed down my burger and leaned against the couch, Gavin next to me. 

"Careful, Michael, you'll get a stomach ache." I shrugged.

"It'll be worth it; that burger was fucking  _delicious_ ," I said, burping for extra emphasis. He just giggled and interlocked his hand with mine, squeezing it slightly. We watched multiple games of Halo as we sipped our beers, choosing to play a couple of games ourselves. The more beer we drank, the funnier Halo became. When I killed Gavin's character the sight of the body on the ground threw me into a giggling fit that took five minutes to get under control. Gavin just became more talkative the more he drank, and a lot more touchy-feely. At one point in our match he was practically sitting in my lap. "You do know that you are in prime position to be tickled, right?" 

"What?"

I paused the game and set down the controller, launching a tickle assault on Gavin's stomach. He fell over and freaked the fuck out, his giggles and squeals becoming higher pitched the more I tickled him. No one joined in, they just sat back and laughed at our fight on the ground. Tina began ridiculous commentary, as though she were watching a sports game. "And Michael Jones comes in with a surprise assault to Gavin's foot, oh man it doesn't look good, our reigning tickle champion almost got kicked in the face..."

Ray decided it would be fun to join in. "Tina, it looks like Michael will  _stay_ reigning tickle champ if this keeps up, it doesn't look good for Gavin here. Oh, what's this? Gavin has just grabbed a white napkin from the table and is waving it in the air, signaling a surrender. There you have it folks, Michael Jones will forever be the tickle champ. Tune in next time when Michael will pick his next victim. I'm Ray Narvaez Jr., not to be mixed up with my father, and goodnight."

"You two are idiots," I commented, laughing as Gavin and I both laid in the floor, attempting to catch our breaths. I sat up after a few moments and my vision swirled. I felt really good and really brave because of the alcohol and when I stood up and began to walk to the bathroom I stumbled, having to hold on to Gavin for support, even though he was almost as bad as I was. "Well I don't think I need anymore beer."

"Fucking lightweight," Ryan laughed, sipping at his own. "I swear, you two cannot hold down alcohol for shit. What was that, like your fourth beer?"

"Fifth," Gavin slurred, causing me to laugh again. 

"Fifth, whatever, you're still smashed. Hey, where are you going Michael?"

"I've gotta take a piss, Ryan, and then I think I'm going to sit outside for a while," I snapped at him drunkenly. He just laughed, unoffended by my tone, and I felt two unsteady arms trying to help me up the stairs. It was Gavin. "Are you coming, too?" He nodded and grinned at me with glassy eyes. "Don't fucking fall or you'll bring both of us down." 

We both managed to go to the bathroom and get outside to the swing without killing each other, although I did stub my toes a couple of times and Gavin ran into a few walls in the process. It was an unusually cool night for it being almost the end of May, and the night air was strangely relaxing. We sat silently next to each other, not saying a word.

Finally Gavin broke the silence. "Are you ready?"

"Ready for..?"

"Graduation, you donut," he said, smiling softly. "I for one am excited and scared shitless at the same time." He leaned his head back to look up at the clear night sky, full of twinkling stars. "While I was still friends with Dan, I actually got a college acceptance letter in the mail."

I turned my head quickly to look at him. "You did? That's great, Gavin! Where to?"

He smiled at me and picked up my hand in both of us. "The University of Texas." 

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up in a wide smile. "That's where I'm going to college. Ray and Geoff, too." 

"I know. That's why I applied. I didn't want to separate from you after high school; I wanted to go wherever you went, regardless of what I had to do to get there. When it came in the mail, I just knew that I was supposed to be with you. But there was this voice in the back of my mind still telling me that you had it out for me, that you were a negative influence on me, and I got scared. Dan arrived too late to be able to apply and he wanted me to take a year before going to college so we could apply together and start together, but I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be able to go in the Fall and start what, hopefully, is the rest of my life."

"Fuck Dan," I said angrily. He laughed in agreement. "What's he going to do now, since he's pretty much the scum of the Earth?"

"I called his mother, and she's bringing him back to England. One way flight. I told her what he did, what he said, and let's just say he's not going to get a happy welcome when he lands. He's in the air right now, I think; Ryan dropped him off at the airport this morning."

"Good riddance; he was like a parasite to you, Gav. He just wouldn't let go." He scooted closer to me, his body visibly relaxing once he laid his head on my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around him and leaned my head against his own. 

"At least we were able to get rid of him," he murmured. "Now, nothing can separate us now, Michael."

"Over my dead body will anything separate us ever again," I said fiercely. He leaned up at my tone and stared at me, clearly emotional over my words. "I feel like I've gone through hell and back just to win you, Gavin. Just to show you that I am the person who will always be there for you; I'm the one you can count on for a smile, for a laugh, I'm the one you can call at three in the morning if you're having a nightmare and you can bet I will be over here to comfort you until you go back to sleep." I ran a hand through my hair, my brain becoming a little more clear, even though I was still slightly drunk. "I've always been the kind of person no one really noticed or cared about, you know? One of those wallflower type students. I never caused trouble and never drew attention to myself, so I was pretty much invisible. Then one day you showed up, and the last that I wanted to be was invisible. I wanted you to notice me, to talk to me and I wanted to get to know you."

He looked confused. "Why me?"

"Because you were new. You were different, you seemed charming and outgoing and just.. everything I wanted, everything I wanted to  _be._ I wanted to know what it was like to walk down the hallway and people call out my name, people slap me on the back in greeting, I wanted to know what it was like for everyone to know my name. I started crushing on you and I longed for you to notice me. Then, one day you did. And it was the best day of my life, or one of them at least. Then you left for the summer and when you came back, nothing was the same. You were cruel and you ignored me and I thought that maybe I wasn't good enough, that maybe I was just kidding myself when I thought that I could get over my wallflower status." I took a deep breath. "Then this year, at that party. We connected, and even after our drunken kiss, when we got closer, I fell for you even more and I realized that I didn't need to be visible to everyone, as long as I was visible to  _you._ You are the only person, other than my family and our friends, that I truly care about."

"On the night I ran away from my house," he said, placing his hands on my face, "I saw a shooting star. And you know what I wished for?"

I licked my lips, unable to break from his gaze. "What?"

He smiled. "You. I wished for you, Michael Jones, and here you are, right in front of me."

"Here I am, Gavin. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere," I said quietly, leaning in and pressing my lips to his, wrapping my arms around his neck. He pressed his lips into mine, parting them softly and allowing me to deepen the kiss. I could taste the beer on his tongue but I didn't mind; Gavin was mine, and he was always going to be mine. We broke away and I kissed his cheek, settling as close to him as I could get without being in his lap. We stayed cuddling like that for a while, completely losing track of time, until I heard Gavin yawn more than two consecutive times and I was getting tired myself. We reluctantly left the swing and entered the house, walking down the steps back into the game room. Tina was sitting in between Ray's legs on the floor, her back to him covered with a blanket as she sleepily watched him play what looked like Call of Duty. He had his arms wrapped around her and would plant an occasional kiss on the top of her head.

Lindsay was on the sleep already passed out, covered with a blanket. Geoff and Griffon were in their own little chair, cuddled together. Jack and Ryan were nowhere to be seen. "Where are the other two?" I asked Ray quietly. 

"Ryan has an extra bed in his room and Jack said he had back problems and couldn't sleep on the floor, so they're sleeping in his room. What time is it?"

"Just after two."

"Damn, and I'm not even tired. Want to play a game?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna pick a comfortable patch of floor and try and sleep, I think. Are you gonna be okay with Tina laying on you?"

He smiled. "Yeah, she's fine."

"Damn right I am," she mumbled quietly. I laughed and picked up a few blankets and pillows and led Gavin to an area of the room that wasn't occupied. I laid out one blanket and the pillows and then we laid down, covering ourselves with the other. He gathered me in his arms and scratched his nails lightly up and down my back, lulling me into a deep sleep.

The last thing I heard before I passed out was, "GOD DAMN CAMPERS."

* * *

 

The week leading up to graduation was full of excitement, stolen kisses, and lots of late night laughs with my friends and my family. My mom invited everyone over after my dad got back from his business trip and cooked up a large dinner for us, ensuring that she could meet all of the people responsible for 'bringing back [my] happiness.' A warm feeling in my stomach grew, watching my friends interact with my parents, especially the way they received Gavin. They were kind to him, laughing at his jokes and smiling knowingly when they saw us hold hands in between bites and stories. It was a wonderful night, even if Geoff did 'accidentally' throw food at me and even though I 'accidentally' threw some back. I was happy, truly happy, for the first time in months.

I had stopped taking my pills the night of prom.

 So when I woke up the day of graduation, I laid in my bed and recounted the past year in my head. I started off the year shy and pining for a guy who I had only talked to a few times. I had unrealistic day dreams of us getting together and living out our lives happily with one another, never once being apart. I was glad Ray and Geoff talked me into going to Lindsay's party; if they hadn't I still might be pining pathetically for him. I didn't even think about Dan, since he was finally out of the picture. I focused on Gavin, on how after I fought like hell to win him over, how I went through a literal hell for almost two months because I cared about him so much my heart just broke when he quit talking to me, when he let Dan brainwash him, and how prom will always be one of my favorite memories. There was a picture frame sitting on the table beside my bed with a picture of us from that night in front of the tacky background. Gavin and I were in the front, our arms wrapped around each other. Tina and Lindsay were on the ends with Barbara, Ray, Jack, Ryan, Geoff, and Griffon making up the back row. We smiled as the camera captured the happy moment to be forever frozen in time. 

My phone buzzed just then and I felt myself smile when I read the text.

> _Gavin Free:_ _Are you ready to walk across that stage today and start the rest of our lives together?_
> 
> _Me: I've been ready since the moment I met you._

\--

The building where our graduation was being held was already overflowing with graduates and their families when we arrived. I rode with my parents and directed them to where the others were parked so we could all walk in together. They waved excitedly when they saw my parent's car and I opened the door and hopped out before the car even came to a complete stop, much to my mother's dismay. We were all dressed alike in black robes, each of us wearing different medals and chords showcasing our involvement in school, whether it be academically or creatively. I didn't have anything around mine, but I did receive a few academic awards and scholarships at the award ceremony a few days earlier. Gavin was decorated with his theater chords and sash while Geoff and Ray looked exactly like me. 

"Hey, I passed and that's all that matters," Ray said when I told him my observation. Everyone just laughed even though he was completely serious and we walked toward the building, splitting away from my parents when we entered. We found where all of the graduates were supposed to be and were told to line up. The yearbook editor snapped individual pictures of each of us while were lined up in order and the nerves started bundling in my stomach.  _This was it. After I walk across that stage, this chapter of my life comes to a close._

Gavin turned around and shot me a thumbs up, mouthing at me to calm down and not to worry because it would all be over soon. I nodded and attempted to calm my nerves, failing miserably. The nerves heightened when the music began to play and we walked out to the cheering of proud parents and underclassmen friends. I tried nonchalantly looking for my parents and found them near the front row on one side, waving frantically at me. I smiled widely at them and when it got to my row I stood in front of my chair and waited until we could sit down. 

After about five more minutes, Principal Burns told us we could be seated and then began a speech about how high school was supposed to be some of the best four years of our lives, how we made many memories from our time here and how what we learned will stick with us when we go to college. "Bullshit," I heard Miles whisper from behind me. I snickered into my palm and continued listening to the speech before it was time for the Valedictorian's speech, which turned out to be, essentially, the same bullshit that Principal Burns just spouted at us.

Finally it was time to give out the diplomas; it was time for me to walk across the stage, along with my best friends and my boyfriend, and enter into the next chapter of our lives. I looked a couple of rows ahead to where Tina was sitting and she turned around slightly to shoot me a smile. There were tears in her eyes, and I didn't blame her for getting so emotional; I felt myself tearing up just a little too. 

When Tina got her diploma, I heard Ray cheer loudly from the back, "YEAH, THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND!" Tina turned away from Principal Burns, who had lost his serious composure for a moment, and shot daggers (albeit lovable daggers) at Ray before continuing her walk across the stage. When Gavin's turn arrived, I cheered loudly at my boi, at my Gavin, when he accepted his diploma with a smiling face. While I didn't shout out loud like Ray did, he looked at me and smiled brightly when he saw how loud I was cheering for the Brit. When it came to my turn I took a deep breath and walked up the ramp to where Principal Burns stood, hand held out for me to shake. I took it and smiled at him.

"Congratulations, Michael," he said fondly.

"Thank you sir," I replied before walking to where the superintendent held my diploma. I shook his hand with my left and took the diploma with my right, smiling briefly for the camera before walking the rest of the way across the stage and back to my seat. I heard my friends cheer loudly from their seats, Gavin shouting a fond "THAT'S MY BOI!" in that cheeky accent of his. Although  my hands were shaking with my diploma, just having Gavin cheer for me, to claim me as his own, brought peace and happiness to the bundle of nerves inside of me. The rest of our friends and classmates took their trip across the stage, and once Principal Burns announced our graduating class, we took our caps off and threw them in the air, cheering loudly.

_I did it. I survived._

We walked back, in order, to retrieve our things before being able to find our parents in the crowd. My mom hugged me tightly while my dad slapped me on the back when I emerged. "I'm so proud of you, Michael. My baby boy just graduated from high school!"

I grimaced. "Mom, what did I tell you about the whole 'my baby!' stuff? Save it for my wedding." Mom just laughed and embraced me once more. She let go suddenly and left to hug someone else; when I turned around I see that she had embraced all of my friends one by one. She saved Gavin for last, though, and held on to him for just a little bit longer. "Mom, you're gonna suffocate him."

"Nah, it's fine Michael. My mom didn't even show up, so it's nice to have a motherly hug," Gavin said, and surprisingly there was nothing bitter in his tone when he talked about his mother.  My mom pulled back suddenly and stared at him.

"Your mother didn't show?" she asked sympathetically. He shook his head.

"No ma'am, but that's alright. I count all of you as my family anyway, and you're all I need," he said, looking at me when he said that last bit. I smiled  and ran to embrace him, not caring who all was watching. I just graduated high school with everything I wanted and more. I was happy, oh so happy, even when Miles and Kerry came and ruined the moment by making teasing kissing noises as they passed by us. I pulled away and saw Arryn and Barbara dragging them away by their robes, scolding them about how ruining our moment was wrong of them and how they should be ashamed, all the while winking at Gavin and me.

I noticed Ray had disappeared with Geoff and shrugged, figuring that they just went to wait out by the car. I wrapped my arms around my mother and Gavin and led everyone outside to our cars, wanting to be away from the crowd of people that were still inside. We chatted about everything, about what colleges we were going to and about what we would do over the summer; I talked about getting a job, at least to save up a little before school, and everyone else really didn't know what they wanted to do. When we approached the cars I saw Geoff and Ray standing side by side with their hands behind their backs. 

"Okay what do you guys have? If it's silly string or some shit-"

"No no, Michael, it's not silly string," Ray said, smiling widely. I raised an eyebrow, not trusting him in the slightest. "I made another sign, this time for both you and Gavin."

Oh no.

"Ray, really, you didn't have to..." started Gavin before Ray interrupted by revealing the sign from behind their backs. I read it twice before I started laughing at the irony of it all.

It was a sign that read "Michael and Gavin Lived Happily Ever After" in really girly (albeit really nice) script font in blue sharpie. I laughed harder than anyone else, as they didn't really get the joke at all. "How the hell did you remember me saying something like that?" I asked in between breaths. Ray grinned.

"Let's just say a little birdie told me."

"By 'little birdie' you mean Geoff," I laughed. He nodded. "But there's no sunset to make it even more cliche," I pointed out. 

"Michael why did they make that sign?" Gavin asked, laughing but clearly confused. 

"Months ago, before Lindsay's party, I wished that when we got together that there would be a sign that said 'And They Lived Happily Ever After' like you see in Disney movies, or cheesy romance movies, and that we would ride off into the sunset, because at the time that was my idea of romance. I didn't think Ray would actually make it happen." 

"So you're the princess in this case and I'm the prince right?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows. I sighed and pulled him to me, pecking his cheek.

"Now Gavin, you know that you would look better with long hair than me," I tutted, grinning before closing the distance between our lips.

In the end, we didn't ride off into the sunset and our life didn't fade to black with credits rolling directly after, as a good Disney movie would entail. But I did secure my own piece of happily ever after and you know what? That was good enough for me. 


End file.
